I'm a terrible parent.
No, no, before you try and come to my defense, let me just tell it to you straight. I am.
But being a terrible parent is such a large topic, I think it's important to break it down for you.
Where to start… wait a second… I think I just heard Owen drop something in the toilet…
…no worries. He was just licking the toilet bowl. Perrrrrfect. Now where were we?
Oh ya. I was talking about being a bad parent.
Reasons Why I'm a Bad Parent:
Reason #1 Why I Feel Like A Bad Parent: I'm selfish.
Georgia, please quit interrupting me. I'm trying to get this done.
Stuart, can you change the diaper? I'm obviously quite busy on Pinterest at the moment…
Owen, I need you to keep taking your morning naps. Don't you know that it's my gotta-do-stuff-so-I-can-feel-better-about-my-accomplishments time? I neeeeeed it.
There is no defense. I am a selfish human being. I savor my time spent working on the blog, baking in the kitchen, or planning the spring garden. And when I become focused or fixated on these projects, I tend to get particularly selfish about my time and exactly how I'd like to spend it. Poopy diapers? Broken plates? Missing socks? Ain't nobody got time for that. Don't these kids know I'm on MY schedule?
Reason #2 Why I Feel Like A Bad Parent: I'm short-tempered.
If I could grasp my husband's temperament and somehow implant it into my body via some form of Frankenstein science, I would totally do it. Praise God that I was given a level-headed, cool-under-pressure man. Because I'm anything but. And when you've redressed your daughter for the fifteenth time before eight in the morning, filled so many sippy cups with milk your head could explode, cleaned far too many floating turds out of the bathtub, and brought the dog in just so he could lick the spilt applesauce up off the floor (hey man, one less chore for me) you may understand where I'm coming from. Children. Require. PATIENCE. And lots, and lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of it. Because they're not all rainbows and sunshine, my friends. They test you. And tear you. And manipulate you. And break you down.
Don't believe me? You must not have children.
Unfortunately, in this world, we all have our struggles. Patience is mine. And when Georgia is screaming over the broken crayon (that she purposefully broke) that she can't find (while she's holding it in her hand), I'll admit – sometimes, my emotions get the better of me.
Reason #3 Why I Feel Like A Bad Parent: I'm short on grace. For my children, my husband, and myself.
Anyone else out there quick to throw stones at the ones they love?
Why can't you just help me more? Can't you see I need someone to wash the dishes?
Why are they being so difficult?
I'm so horrible at this, why would the Lord even give me children in the first place? I'm just going to mess them up!
Sometimes, I feel alone in these thoughts. But I know that I'm not. Giving others grace, as well as giving ourselves grace, is a difficult thing to do. And when one is in the trenches of the little years it's even more difficult. I'm so quick to expect things out of my children that I'm not even able to do myself (am I not still selfish? lazy? disobedient to my Father?). We all are in need of grace and so desperately long to receive it – from the Lord and from others – and yet, we are so slow to dish it out to the ones we love. Instead, we expect them to earn it by acting right, treating us well, and doing what we wish them to do.
Oh ye of little faith.
When my husband was at his school the other day, he was approached by a reader of the blog (whom I don't know, personally). She said to him “your wife is like Superwoman!”. Stuart replied (as I would have wished him to) with a kind “thank you, but she would be upset to know you thought of her that way”.
Hear my, dear readers: I am not superwoman. Just because I make cheese and raise chickens does not make me the coolest person on the planet. It doesn't even make me the coolest person in this room (and the only other one in here with me right now is my dog). If you could see the ins and outs of my daily life, you would see that it's monotonous, difficult, frustrating, challenging, and messy. I loose my temper towards my children and have to ask for their forgivesness all the time. I burn supper. I loose bills on my desk. I pick pieces of crayon of my baby's nose. I clean up dog throw up off the floor. I slip on the snow going down to the chicken coop and dump a bucket of water all over myself.
And somedays, I feel like a really horrible parent.
BUT.
Yes, fear not, there is a but. And a big one.
Not a big butt. Just a big BUT…
But God does not leave me in the trenches, covered in poo, soured milk, and baby drool, alone. He doesn't give me disobedient children and then throw me to the wolves. He doesn't give me frustrating circumstances without giving me the tools to work through them. Because somewhere between the tantrums and the pile of dirty diapers, there's a glimmer of hope in my children. There's a “yes ma'am” or a smile in obedience that brings me hope.
Even when I don't have grace or patience for my children, my King does. He sees them, in their filth and frustration, and loves them. He sees ME, in my filth and frustration, and loves ME. Even though I “feel” like a bad parent because of my selfishness, my short-temper, and my shortness of grace, I'm not. Because the Lord promises that He loves my children as much as He loves me. When the cirumstances in life are too much to bear, the Lord bears them with me. And if the entire purpose of parenthood is to bring me to my knees in utter dependence on the Lord… well… then I've officially “arrived”.
Isn't that what the Lord hopes for? That we learn how to love others and extend them grace? That we come to recognize our dependence on him? That we actually LIVE the gospel each day in our homes by recognizing our sinfulness and our need for forgiveness and a Savior?
I'm going to be straight: left on my own, I'm a sinner. And not that great of a parent. See reasons #1, #2, and #3 above.
But PRAISE GOD I'm not left on my own. The Lord equips me for the service He has called me to!
I'm forgiven and I get to pass that joy of forgiveness onto my children. I'm a sinner and I can recognize that in my actions as well as in my children. I'm also a child of God and I get to celebrate in that mercy for myself, as well as for my children. As our Pastor reminds us: The Lord can draw straight lines with crooked sticks. And Praise God for that, too! Because I can trust that despite my feelings and despite my crookedness, the Lord can (and will!) accomplish his great purpose in my children, in our family, and in the world.
I'm free in Christ (of reasons #1, #2, and #3 above). And I'm forgiven! And I'm loved! And that knowledge, belief, and understanding is the only thing that makes me a GOOD parent.
And that joy is worth sharing.
Sarah N.
Love it! I often feel as you do. Raising kids is tough, but our God will give us strength. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Ragan Wesson
Shaye,
I’ve been reading your blog recently, you are a great writer. Thanks for your vulnerability in this post. And even though I don’t have children, or a cow, or chickens, or homemade cheese, or really anything that you speak of… I can totally relate. Because when it comes down to it, we are all sinners who need Jesus! No one is superman or superwoman. I appreciate your honesty and reminder of the gospel.
I’ve heard a lot about you from my mom (Lisa Brock) and I’m so glad she introduced me to your blog. I hope to meet you someday if you are ever back down in the South!
-Ragan
Shaye Elliott
Aw, thanks Ragan! Your Mom is one of my favorite people in the entire world and I will definitely be down to stay at Casa de Brock in the near future! π
Mel
Shaye,
Thanks so much for writing this! This has been such a struggle for me since we started our homesteading journey. Working full-time, caring for the animals, and trying to be a great mom AND wife is HARD! Sometimes I get eye-rolls at work from co-workers, like “Sheesh, Melissa does it ALL.” But I don’t. Sure I would love to, but it’s reality. We are human and we can’t allow ourselves to believe we must do it all and that we must be the perfect parent/spouse all of the time. Because Lord knows, my family isn’t perfect either! π
This was great Shaye – Lovely motivation for my morning. π
Mel
megan
I can relate to this post on so many levels it’s scary! Thank you for putting out there what it’s really like for families. No matter if you are on a homestead or live in the city, I truly believe us mama’s can totally relate to this! Rock on with your bad parenting
Siobhan Brown
Thanks so much for your honesty! I needed this today!
Jill
We have more in common than I thought! I could have written this post myself… right down to the letting the dog into clean applesauce off the floor and fishing the baby out of the toilet on a regular basis. My hubby is a lot more even-tempered than me too– thank goodness! I think God musta planned it like that. π
I loved your encouragement at the end of the post–needed that today as I have dishes piled in the sink, a messy house, a fridge full of milk that needs to be made into cheese, frozen water hydrants, and below zero temps outside. π
Ginger
The other day I caught my daughter with a cloth wipe in her mouth that she’d pulled out of the dirty diaper pail! They’re just building their immune systems…
Karen
Feel this way…EVERY DAY! Thank, God for His mercy and grace.
Allison
This is one of the reasons I love your blog…because you impart practical, healthy, homesteading thoughts, but you also stand aside and let the love of our Savior shine through (all the while being hilarious). So, thank you. I need this reminder, especially when I’m traversing the blogosphere which can be an exceptional reminder of all the things I’m NOT doing and “should”. It’s nice to come across a nugget of what REALLY matters. π
christine@onceuponatimeinabedofwildflowers
Oye! I totally get you.
Says the mother who just finished washing puke out her kid’s hair (the kid who she *knew* was sick, but neglected to take the time to braid her hair…
(You’re wrong about the cheese thing, you know. That *is* cool!)
Becca Gordon
A million thank you’s for posting this today!! I needed this motivation badly as my 21 mo. old toddler son has been testing me something fierce this week (with this frigid cold snap and me being sick not helping matters). It’s lovely to see such honesty and positive thinking; something to try and keep in mind when I’m losing my temper and patience around here. Hope you’re staying warm!!
Jessica
Oh Shaye! I really needed to read this today. My “baby” is eleven now so I’m not dealing with all the little kiddie stuff, but boy – sometimes I wonder where my son went to and who this is who’s shown up in his place. And then I tend to blame myself for whatever it was that I did or didn’t do that made him this way. And then I lose my temper. And, well, you get the picture! Thank you, thank you, thank you for your precious words today!!
Jamie
I also really needed this today. I too have an eleven year old and have had your exact thoughts – who are you and what have you done with my little boy? It’s a challenge to stay focused and not blame myself and not lose it completely.
Melissa
Great post, Shaye! Well said.
Cindy Penrod
Love your honesty and candor. I am a nurse, a mother, a grandmother, and the wife of a full-time pastor, and I can admit all the things you recounted above. God’s grace… I breathe it in huge gulps. I need Him ALL THE TIME, day & night. And I have found that the truest test of my walk with Christ is in my very own home, with my very own family. Sounds like this is true for you as well. Fresh courage, Jesus-Sister!! We are BOTH going to make it, because our eyes are on the One who’s love & grace make it possible. Hugs.
Rachel M
Thank you for this. Each time you talk about yourself, I feel like you are the female version of my husband and I am the female version of yours. Have no fear! I have also figured out plenty of ways to display my sin nature as a mother. I feel like this year I am in extra need of Christmas. That God came and dwelt among us and then died for us is the only thing keeping me going. Thank you for this post. We all need to be reminded of the truth.
Jessie
You just described me. I struggle with the same, exact things. I don’t have my own children, but I run a daycare out of my home. I have 6 children in my care 5 days a week. This week I lost it a little. I had a temper tantrum. One baby screaming all day will do that to ya as I’m sure you know. Afterward I felt like a failure. You just lifted my spirits with your post today and I thank you.
Christina
Wow. Could have written this post myself. Almost word for word. I haven’t dumped a bucket of water on myself on the way to the coop, and it was dried beans I was taking out of my kids nose, but besides exactly the same. It’s my personal war.
Erin
Thank you. Seriously. I needed this today (and yesterday, and the day before) π Blessings to you, your family, and your ministry- in your home and on this blog.
Heidi
We’ve had a pretty rough week, and this was encouraging to read. Thank you.
Rebekah Harris
Thanks for being transparent!! God is so faithful!!
Jessica
I’m a new reader but I just wanted to say thank you so much for this post. I feel like I’m constantly worried over how horrible of a mother I am, and to hear another mom be so open about her struggles helps me to feel not so alone! Thank you!
Jaclyn
I’m in tears… thanks so much for your honesty and for remind us mommas that are in the trenches with you that His grace is sufficient, even if ours is not. I love to see you share your faith- just another reason I enjoy your blog!
Vanessa
Perfect, Shaye. That was just what I needed to hear, and it was well-written. As an added bonus, I like you even more now that I know you’re NOT actually perfect! π
Gabi
I must say it feels good to know others share those feelings. Thanks!
Melissa
Holy moly kind kitties, this post came at a perfect time for me! It is good to know I’m not alone struggling in the trenches of little ones. Thanks for writing this!
Jeanine
Well said and so true – the part about your righteousness being found in Christ, not about being a bad parent. It’s all about grace anyway, and God’s got this!
Aimee L.
Thank you so very much for posting this. I have thought of you as the ultimate Superwoman, wondering how you find time to do it all! I certainly never imagined you to have the same issues as me, with patience and temper and being selfish with your time. I hate to say it but those are my big issues, too. I actually came across this post while searching Pinterest for parenting advice/encouragement/commiseration, even though I do already follow you on FB I must have missed it! I love all the way out on the east coast but am in-real-life friends with your neighbors, Dan & Renae. π Thank you again!
Cortney
That was such an inspiring, down to earth honest truth. I needed to hear that. I have 4 boys 4 & under! So it gets and is so crazy. Thanks for being open and sharing Shaye π
Lin
I love it. Praise Jesus. We are no longer identified by the darkness and sin that we once walked in. God’s grace is sufficient. I praise Him that he see’s the new creature and sealed me with His Holy Spirit to remind ME that I am no longer who I once was . That I am no longer seperated from Him. That He is working in me, giving me the desire and the power to do what pleases Him. Phil 2:13.
Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God – truly righteous and holy – Eph 4:23,24
We have light from the Lord. So we get to live as people of light! For the light within us produces only what is good and right and true. Eph 5:8,9. Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God – truly righteous and holy.
All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put out trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect 1 John 4: 15-17a.
A surrendered life, dependent on Him and flowing in His love for us. I reckon this is why Jesus told us to give up our selfish ways and carry our cross daily. Oh how I love Jesus and realize moment by moment just how much I need Him.
Thank you for your beautifuly honest blog.
Shaye Elliott
Thank you for this, Lin!
Karli
I really needed this today. Thank you.
Karmen
Pretty sure you just took the thoughts out of my head and wrote them down for me because this is EXACTLY how I feel most of the time! From the short temper to the total lack of coolness… Love this post.
kari
One of the most refreshing and honest things I’ve read in a long time. You pretty much summed up how I feel. Thank you for writing this!
Raia
Well, that was encouraging. π Thanks and praise Jesus. π
Whitney Hsu
This was so wonderful! It’s the first post of yours I’ve ever read and what a perfect one to pick! Thank you for sharing it!!
Elizabeth
I just want you to know that this post rocked my world at 4:30 am. I woke up to nurse the baby and layed there feeling terrible about myself. My toddler totally almost drowned yesterday and my 10 year old saved her from the pool….I didn’t even know she was out there. My baby is growing up (5 months) and I feel like I’m missing it. Which makes me feel terrible. My home projects and “superwoman self” is ruining me.
I was literally writting myself a “I hate myself” letter and it was entirely the holy spirit that brought me to your blog this morning. Thank you. In my journal I literally copied what you wrote “I’m free in Christ” paragraph.
What a blessing you are.
Feeling like I can go back to bed, then make breakfast and live in grace this morning.
Michalai
I really needed this today but now I feel terrible again as I don’t have God. I cannot see that I can just trust that I can be forgiven for the way I often speak to my children. My 6 year old told me today that I’m “always grumpy” & I have honestly never felt so worthless. I love my children more than anything but man…life is hard! My husband has depression, our sons are 6 & 3 (&the youngest gets me up several times EVERY night), I’m a litigation solicitor and quite honestly spread too thin but trying to hold it all together….