Sometimes, I'm reminded about just what a sinner I am.
Case in point.
As y'all remember me announcing last week, we're expecting baby number three this summer. Little sprout has made me feel pretty terrible these past few months and the just the idea of eating meat, particularly chicken, was enough to make me dry heave. Sorry. But it's the truth.
Because of said chicken-induced-dry-heaving, it's been approximately five (six?) weeks since I wandered down to the freezer in the barn where our lovely Rainbow Rangers were lined up beautifully awaiting their culinary destiny.
Last week, feeling I *may* be able to stomach the chicken, I skeptically made my way down to the barn to pick up a chicken for supper. When I opened the door, I found 18 of our beautiful chickens thawed. And stinky.
I poked it. Yep. Definitely squishy. No longer frozen. But for how long?
I sniffed. Hmm. A big egg-esque. Not horribly rotten. But not fresh either.
I counted. “One, two, three, four, five, six (tears begin to well in my eyes), seven, eight (tears fall down my face), nine…” I had to stop at nine. I couldn't muster up enough courage to count the remaining chickens.
I ran back to the house, wiping my tears away like a little school girl. And then, anger built up inside me. WHY!?!?! WHY THESE CHICKENS?!?!
And then, I shouted out loud to the entire world: “WHY?!? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO %*!&$%* HARD!”
I know. You can unsubscribe, quit reading my blog, and unfriend me on Facebook if you want. I understand. Because I totally swore… and out of anger. Sanctification process = failed.
After the anger passed, I instantly felt guilt. Guilt for getting so angry and questioning God's goodness. Guilt for letting something so trivial cause me so much anger. But it was my chicken, man! It was the chickens that I'd raised from the second day of their life. It's the chickens that I cared for and grew so carefully for months. It's the chicken that I fed an exclusive organic, soy-free, diet. It's the chicken that I built a giant pen for so that it could free-range in the fresh air and sunshine. It's the chicken whose life I took, whose blood I'd drained, who's bodies I'd cleaned, who's feathers I'd plucked. It's the chicken that was to supply our family with nutrient-dense meat for the upcoming year. It was a part of this homestead and a representation of the love that we put into growing our food.
That chicken is not replaceable.
Over the next couple days, I came to terms with the reality of such a huge loss in meat. Based on the cost per chicken, we estimate the loss to be about $435. A significant chunk, no doubt. And even worse is the months and months of meat that was supposed to provide us with – we planned a chicken per week for the entire year. 18 lost birds meant 18 weeks less of meat.
Although the thought of that wasted meat still makes me want to swear (sorry, it's the truth), I've since been able to thank God for His perfect and righteous ways.
Through this disaster, the Lord's taught me a few things (which I can give thanks for!):
1. Plan properly. Had we had an alarm on our freezer, we would have known that it had broken down. Normally, I check the freezer multiple times per week but since I've been so nauseous (and not eating chicken) it was far too long between checks. We've since learned that when that much money is sitting in your freezer, investing in a small freezer alarm is a very, very smart idea. Proper planning prevents poor performance, they say. Point taken. (Man, I sure wish I didn't have to learn lessons the hard way sometimes…)
2. Let it go. Crappy things happen, man. Annoying things happen. Bad things happen. And even though these are crappy, annoying, and bad, it's still a great reminder that things on this earth (even beloved chicken) is temporal. In the blink of an eye, we can loose anything on this earth. It's an ever important reality to be reminded of. Cling to that which is never ending and eternal. Let earthly things GO.
3. Keep perspective. It's easy to only see the fishbowl we live in, oblivious to the struggles and reality of life for others. Loosing a few hundred dollars is a punch that is hard for us to take, but not impossible. Many people have no chicken to eat, or no food at all. Come on, Shaye. It is chicken. So keep it in perspective.
I feel like I've passed the anger and sadness and am now at the point where I truly give the Lord thanks for this situation. I'm thankful to be reminded of His eternal nature and the fleeting follies of this world. I'm thankful to be provided for in such a real way that even with this loss of meat, we will not go hungry. I'm thankful that the Lord saw fit to grow me, stretch me, and strengthen me.
I'm also thankful that the same day we lost the chicken, a neighbor showed up with a 30-pound box of locally raised, pastured ground beef for us. He didn't even know that we'd lost the chicken.
The Lord provides.
And though I failed in the heat of the moment, I know that His work in me is never done. He'll continue to love me, sharpen me, and prune all that nasty anger right out of my heart. I am thankful we didn't loose all of the chickens and I'm thankful that we'll have the opportunity to grow and butcher more this spring (a little earlier than originally planned, but so it goes!).
The Lord giveth chicken. And the Lord taketh away chicken. And through it all, we can give Him praise.
Sandi Green
Thank you so much for sharing your heart!! My heart was blessed by your story tonight!!
Wendy C
Hugs
Ali
Hi. Great post. Yeah… bad stuff happens. Sometimes really bad stuff. You invested ALOT in those birds.
I wanted to share with you…. our youngest was born diagnosed Down Syndrome. I was 45 when we had him. Jack was eight when he suddenly stopped walking in May 2010. I made an appt. at the chiropractor’s and off we headed…. Jack in one arm (he’s kinda small for his age) and a big diaper bag in the other. I tripped on the way out… and we headed down … and would have slammed hard into the cement walk if God or an angel hadn’t carried us. We lay there on the ground looking at each other… kind of in shock. I look back on that now as God saying “I know what’s coming up ahead of you, and I’m reminding you of Who’s in charge”.
Well the chiro decided to send us off to the hospital for xrays which was unusual. And by the time that was done we were tired and on our way home which was a 35 min. trip. I got a call from the chiro and she said the xrays were read and Jack has something called Legg Calve Perthes Disease. Well she thought I wouldn’t know what that was. But I did. We knew of a boy who had gone from riding his bike and playing basketball to barely being able to take ten steps with a walker from that disease. And guess what? I SWORE. I said a bad word. Then I caught myself, said sorry, told her we are Christian and we’re giving this to God to handle. I felt sorta dumb saying I’m Christian… but I needed to take that stand. She went on to tell me he’s had it quite a while, and while we don’t have to head to the ER, he needs to see an orthopedist ASAP.
On the way home I prayed and I gave things to God. I chose to not receive their diagnosis. But I needed God’s help and direction. We got home and as my husband carried our little guy, Jack, into our home, my daughter fell into my arms sobbing.
We just waited on God… we just went through each day… reaching out to Him deep in our hearts. We decided to go ahead and make an orthopedic appt., but they wouldn’t see him for a month. Meantime he couldn’t walk a step… and he kept looking at us for an answer as to why his body wasn’t working. What he didn’t know was that the xrays show the top of his right femur almost gone.
But who is in charge? God. :0) We went to church on Sunday and Jack was in a wheelchair. We took him up front for prayer after service and God had arranged for the couple who prayed with us to have our answers. Their son had been diagnosed with Legg Calve Perthes. He had been casted for 2 1/2 years and the doctors finally gave up. But someone told them what to do. They were told to speak the Word of God over their son outloud. And they said he just gradually got well and finally started playing soccer. Well when you’re in the spot we were…. you need to keep knocking down vain imaginations and your own thoughts and just try and settle down and LISTEN TO GOD. They gave us afew verses and we went home and began to speak verses from the Word over Jack…. we cast the infirmity into the sea outloud and we declared he was healed by Jesus stripes outloud and more.
The next day, our Jack began to walk then RUN!!!!!!!!!! :0)
Since then, I’ve been back to the chiro’s with Jack just to say hi. I still think about how I swore with her on the phone…. wish I hadn’t. But… I still freely tell her God is my Lord and look what He did! Maybe it shows her that I’m just human and that GOD is who she should turn to. :0) She sure does get a witness when she sees Jack run and smile.
Satan is so evil. We do need to keep pressing forward even when things happen. And what is so cool… even when things look bad and feel bad, we have a God who made things right through Christ…. He is our HEALER, our PROVIDER, our SAVIOR and our DELIVERER. So….. no weapon formed against us shall prosper. I’m learning to speak the Word outloud and not go by feelings and circumstances. I’m so glad you know God is your Provider. He loves your socks off! :0)
God bless you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ali in IL <
For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring. Acts 17:28
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:21
Shaye Elliott
Thank you so much for sharing this Ali!
Heather Z.
Ali, to be honest, your testimony makes me want to cry. I’m just going to be a real live wounded soul here. I left the Word of Faith after 25+ years, because it’s dangerous and doesn’t work. All the declaring and decreeing, and taking authority, reading scriptures out loud, blah, blah, blah. My mother died of breast cancer, and I got to watch while she suffered for two years, with no meds, and no treatments, just her mountain moving faith to keep her going. I hope you don’t know what this is like. Like you, she chose not to accept the Dr.’s diagnosis, and I supported her 100% the whole time, until the treatable cancer she had, finally killed her. Yes, the kind of cancer she contracted, if she had sought treatment sooner, had a very good chance to be treated successfully. I think the most cruel thing about the Word of Faith business is that the leaders bad mouth doctors and tell you to be healed by faith alone, while they go to the doctors and many times, they secretly take their treatments, then they turn around and say, “Wow, look how Jesus healed me!” But if you don’t experience the same “victory” they do, then they snidely turn around and haughtily tell you that it’s all your fault for not having enough faith.
My son was born with special needs and is now 14 years old. For 10+ years of his life, I did all the Word of Faith rigmarole, then a fellow Word of Faither felt lead by “the Lord” to call me and rebuked me for not believing Jesus enough, for not reading Scripture out loud enough, for not taking enough authority over his condition, and more. I was so hurt and angry. Controlling myself, and operating in love, I told her that I had been doing all that I could, I even played Scriptures while he slept, read by a female pastor who was “healed” of breast cancer. My mom listened to it one night and she told me not to play it for him anymore, because the woman had a spirit of anger all over her. Now years later, my son is manifesting that fruit, he is the angriest kid! He always talks to my husband, our older son, and me in an angry tone. What I lost, thanks to these false teachings was the opportunity to deal with the reality that was before me, in a mature Christian fashion. And my family was robbed of being blessed by mom before her passing, because she refused to accept the cancer diagnosis from the doctors. She kept fighting until her last breath and left her 4 children wondering why she died. Why didn’t all that stuff work? And this false teaching taught me to almost loath my son instead of loving him regardless of his condition.
Thankfully through these bone crushingly stressful times, thanks to the Lord, I learned that Word of Faith is witchcraft, and now I simply put my trust in God to take care of me, no matter what comes my way, and no matter how many swear words escape my lips. Exactly what Shaye has learned. In stead of putting my faith in my faith, I have faith solely in Jesus. Yes, now I just rest in him and know he is God, no matter what happens. My mother is gone, but I will see her again, because before she died, she repented and asked Jesus to forgive her for many sins that the Word of Faith propagated (unbeknownst to us) in her life. As for my son? Thanks to God giving him to me, I spend a LOT of time in prayer, and he provides me with plenty of opportunities to refine my anger issues and patience quotient.
I truly hope and pray that your precious son continues to thrive and do well, but please don’t attribute God’s grace and mercy in this matter to the Word of Faith’s false teachings, because in my very real experience, that just isn’t the case.
Maria
Oh, this post made me tear up! First of all, congrats on the new addition! Little Sprout is due on my birthday, so I know he/she will be just amazing. 😉 But secondly, my heart went out to you. I had said the same words to my fiancé this week. “Why does life have to be so damn hard?” I swore like a sailor, too, when normally the word “hell” has me turning red-faced and feeling guilty. My beautiful, wise fiancé said, “Can I swear, too?” Through my tears, I said yes, and he retorted, “Shit happens. Smile, and move on, love. The bad times make the good ones that much sweeter and more appreciated. What glory would we give God if life were grand and perfect all of the time? This makes things a little more real.” I suppose that could apply to your situation, too. It hurts, and it’s hard, but hey. It’s real. BTW, my fiancé is in prison. He’s got two years left (already served a decade) and is the strongest, most faithful Christian I know. He puts me to shame. Hug your littles, kiss your bearded partner, and look forward to your new growing season, both in your belly and on your farm. Don’t lose your reason to milk and sing. Life goes on, Ob-la-di… ob-la-da…
Emily
I totally went “hissssss (as in sucking my breath in), aaaaaaaaah!” When I read that your freezer broke. That is truly the worst feeling, first the shock and the fact that there’s no command-Z in real life. I’m glad that you’re gaining perspective as time goes on and letting God work on your heart. 🙂
Jenn
I am so sorry! All the work you put into those chickens and that had to happen. I love your attitude though. God will provide. He always does. Sometimes being a type A planner and having things not go the way we want can be hard. I have been there many times. Not with chickens but with life. I just love your blog, and your writing, and your honesty!
Charlene
Thank you. This means a lot to me. I lose it for much smaller things and it would be very hard to understand so much effort and energy being lost. Thank you for your wisdom and ability to lead.
jfred
(And the Lord gives BEEF to those who are nauseous over chicken!)
Nihal
I am following your Facebook page since the incident I have been thinking a lot about this. I am really sorry that it happened to you. It must be hard. We are fridge/freezer free since we came here and while I dream about how I will stock up food it is always back in my mind that something like this could happen especially here with the black-outs. That’s why when I read your huge butchering post I was thinking to myself how it would never work for us and we better stick with butcher when you need it method. Allah knows best.
Connie
Very good. I can relate in a way because I’ve lost chickens to dogs 2 times. The last time was about 6 wks ago. Upon my discovery my pig also decided to get out. Long story,but the whole situation brought out an anger that made me feel quite guilty. I figure my loss( this last one) at 3 1/2 doz. eggs a week . My meat birds are down 2 from20. Anyway, thanks for your post. There’s always a lesson we can learn and use to grow in grace!
Ruthann
Shaye – I am sorry for your loss! We had a similar experience only our loss was due to the result of a wild pack of dogs! 🙁 Thank you for being honest and REAL! It’s refreshing to see just how the Lord refines people and in the ways He chooses to do so! Keep up the good work! We’re praying for you (and little sprout!!).
Heather
Thanks for sharing this 🙂
Ali
You’re welcome! It looks like you have lots of fellow homesteaders to rally by your side. :0)
I’m glad you’re going to visit your family soon. How fun!!!!! Hugs, Ali :0)
Katie @ Nourishing Simplicity
I think I would have swore too. A few months ago quite a few pounds of my grass feed beef got left out. and what do you know I was blessed by a friend with grass feed ground beef a few weeks later. The LORD does provide.:) it sure is humbling. Thank’s for being real.
Heidi
Last year my first garden crap would have yielded over 50 tomatoes. I was so excited, and then the deer jumped the fence and ate all. of. them. I (unfortunately) vented on the blog…and cried and swore a lot…and received the blessings of gentle reprimands and encouragement from friends and my husband, as well as a dear friend gifting us with extras from her bumper crop and pantry.
God is good, and He will “redeem what the locusts stole away”.
Alicia S.
This is probably my favorite post you’ve done. Not to knock any of you past posts! But really, it is so nice to hear when things go wrong. I feel like too many people gloss over the hard things. All that does is make me feel inadequate. So thank you for reminding me that things like that happen to everyone!
Heidi
Crop, not crap.
Oh, life is funny.
Sheila Menendez
Haha! Heidi – that was so apropos!
Sheila Menendez
Oh Shaye, I can imagine that I would have been horrified by looking in upon the squishy and somewhat smelly chickens that you’d worked so hard for. You’re right in all three of your points. We’ve been “homesteading” in some way, sort, or fashion for about 10 years now, and hard at it for about 6 consecutively – it is the most difficult way of life and the thing we love the most. We lost a dairy cow – she went down and could not get up – so she fed us for a year. We’ve had to sell our pigs so that we could continue to feed our hens (pigs are easier to replace than good laying hens) and so on. Oh, and my husband will tell you I can swear like a sailor, yet, I get up and seek Jesus every day.
Diane@Peaceful Acres Farm
Oh my….for the first few years of my homesteading (6 yrs ago) experience those too were my most often used words…..WHY does everything have to be so &#@* HARD! Tears almost on a daily basis. A cow that gave 8 gallons a day. Chickens to kill. Manure to haul by hand. Gates without latches…………..
Partly because it was all a new learning experience…that learning curve can be wicked bad!!! Secondly because we didn’t know any better….and thirdly….because the “farm” was my deal!!! Hubs swings the hammer, and does heavy lifting but it’s my deal! All of it….and this 55 year old woman has learned her points of breaking….the point when to say enough is enough…..learning I have NOTHING to prove to anyone. That unless this farming experience is pure JOY then my motives may be wrong…..it’s hard. It really is.
Step back and examine your heart. It’s a good place to start. Just think, you have SO many more years to get it “right” then I do!
Charity
I totally feel your pain Shaye…I haven’t lost meat yet, but we are always learning in our homesteading experience things that would just never have occurred to us before. Things we wouldn’t have had to think about before.
This life IS hard, but it’s so worth it.
And truthfully, I would have had much the same reaction. We are human, and you are right…it’s just chicken.
Hannah
I don’t know you personally, but I love you. Thanks for this…all of it!
Lauren Ann | The Farmhouse Blog
Great post and wonderful reminder about giving God thanks in all circumstances. SO very sorry for your loss though. I would have swore too. It makes you human. The fact that you were able to write this post makes you blessed. Hang in there!
Lindsey
I think it’s important though to remember that, we ARE only human after all… and to err is human. I don’t think that you should be ashamed that you were angry or upset in the moment- it just shows that you care! You cared enough to put the hard work, time, and money into raising those birds and the loss of them is more heart felt than someone losing a frozen chicken from the supermarket! I don’t think that there is ANYONE who wouldn’t have reacted accordingly and look at you, already learning from your mistakes! I’m sorry that that happened, how disappointing… but try not to be too hard on yourself buddy! I’ll be excited to see how the next set of chickens go!
Kendra at New Life on a Homestead
Dang woman! What a bummer!! I probably would have sworn too, lol. I hate it when stuff like that happens. 🙁 I’m sorry you guys lost so much meat. I’ve had several long time homesteading friends lose a ton of meat the same way, so don’t feel like it was just a newbie mistake or something. It happens to the best. Hopefully never again.
Ann
I love your heart. God bless.
Melissa
Hallelujah for the ground beef! I love when the Lord encourages and provides. Sorry about the freezer. I feel your pain. We’ve had our goods spoil because of bum freezers too and canned chicken that didn’t get canned properly all spoil. It hurts. Still, keep up the good work!
T
Thank you for this post! We have three freezers and none have an alarm. One is in our home and two are in the shop. My husband parks his car in the shop so he is in and out twice a day, but it would be nice to have an alarm for all of them. We have 1/2 a side of beef, chickens, duck, two deer, and will have 4 hogs in our freezers soon and I would hate to lose any of it. That would be a very expensive lesson. Don’t feel bad about cursing out loud. I would have said far worse than you. It’s hard when you work so hard on something, spend hard earned money and it not work out in some fashion. What a blessing for the beef. Just know that in a few short months you will have fresh chicken again. Blessings to your family and congrats on baby number 3!
T
Shaye Elliott
Thanks T! So wishing I would have read a post about this before I lost all that chicken… 🙂
Caitlin | The Siren's Tale
Your positive focus despite setbacks is very inspiring 🙂
Carly
Thank you for this post Shaye! There have been so many moments in life lately where the Lord has used trial to teach me and man, sometimes I wish He wouldn’t. Still, when I trust in Him I always end up in a better place than my own judgment would take me.
Marlene Mullet
I’m so sorry about your chicken! I know how hard work it is, butchering chickens. I have been Amish most of my 37 years and remember helping my mom with chickens too. By the way I LOVE your blog! So many great tips and some things bring back memories about how we used to do things at home or at my grandparents. Then it was just a way of life and more people “homesteaded” as we now call it:) I still do a lot of canning,gardening, and making things from scratch. We have three daughters and I sew most of our dresses so that keeps me busy too:) Anyway I am looking forward to each post! Keep up the good work!
Shaye Elliott
Thanks for reading, Mariene!
Lynne Anderson
Shaye Elliott, I’ve come close to losing a freezer full of home grown beef before but caught it just in time! Just lost all my berries that thawed. Sorry for you. I didn’t take time to read all the comments, but did anyone mention that your HOME OWNER’S INSURANCE may pay for your food loss when your freezer quit? You might want to look into it. I know ours covers such a loss.
Lisa
Sorry about the loss of your chickens. Your neighbor bringing the beef during that time is just a reminder of God’s faithfulness.
Shaye Elliott
Isn’t that the truth!
Angie
We recently butchered chickens, and the breast meat seemed to be so dark could you tell me why this is? Is there something we should be doing or avoiding ??
Thank you , Lots!!
Angie
Shaye Elliott
Angie, that’s a GOOD THING! 🙂
Shelbi
Thank you for posting the story…it made me laugh and also realize that these things happen. You’re very funny 🙂 Good luck with your bundle of joy!
Mike @ Gentleman Homestead
I know this is an old post, but I’m catching up.
This made me sick to read! (Not from morning sickness). 😉 Sorry for your loss of chicken. I’m just curious if you’ve discovered a good freezer alarm you recommend since you wrote this? Thanks!