Spare me the sympathy. The stares get a bit old.
The looks of sympathy. The “Oh, poor thing!” glances. Please. Spare me the sympathy.
Sure, sometimes I'm dragging fussy children through the store – a year and a half year old hobbit trying to climb out of the cart, grabbing at shelved (and most likely breakable) items and corraling an almost four old with eyes full of tears that I won't let her buy that Hello Kitty backpack she “…really, really needs, Mama!”
With a giant, pregnant belly. (Whaaaat? She's bringing another little terror into the world?)
In my dirty, grubby, farm clothes – mascara streamed down my cheeks from the tears that were shed when I clocked myself on the 4×4 post outside of the barn that (quite literally) came out of nowhere.
I may look old. And in need of sympathy. And frankly, quite pathetic.
But I'm a Mama. I'm a Mama to three beautiful children. And damnit. I want to hold my head high.
Instead of hearing “Oh, you've got your hands full!” I want to hear “Oh, you've got your hands full of beautiful blessings!”
Because here's the reality my friends – as difficult, challenging, humbling, and exhausting as this motherhood and pregnancy is – IT IS A BLESSING FROM THE LORD.
And the Lord that I serve faithfully sees children – not as an inconvenience and burden – but as a rich blessing:
Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3-5
When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. John 16:21
At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” And calling to him a child, he put him in the midst of them and said, “Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18: 1-3
Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their fathers. Proverbs 17:6
See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. Matthew 18:10
I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. 3 John 1:4
But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Mark 10:14
Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me. Mark 9:37
To say that Jesus holds a high view of children is an understatement. …”for to such belongs the kingdom of God.” So why does our culture see raising children as simply something to ‘survive'? To ‘get through' so that we can enjoy our years of boredom and retirement? Why do we judge others for choosing to have “a quiver” full of children? Why do we escape at every possible opportunity from our responsibilities as parents, teachers, and caretakers of our children?
We don't value them. And we should.
Are they dirty, stinky, disobedient, sinful, and frustrating? YES, YES, and YES.
But so are we.
Each day, we sin against a just and holy God. We repeatedly do that which we know is wrong. We repeatedly turn to behaviors that are displeasing to our Father, just as our children do. And yet each day “His mercies are new” and our sins are forgiven seventy times seven times. No amount of sin can keep us from the love of our Heavenly Father. But that doesn't mean we are spared his discipline, to correct and straighten our ways.
And so it goes with our children.
We repeatedly discipline and teach. We repeatedly forgive their sins and bring them back to a place of joyful fellowship. It's such a beautiful example of the Lord's unconditional love for us – His children.
So Mama, as you're tromping through the grocery store aisles with a disobedient toddler, or when your teenager makes a poor decision, or your baby is throwing their food across the kitchen for the eighth time that day, or the fussing coming from sibling interactions is enough to make you want to slowly dip yourself in a scalding pot of hot lava or gouge your eyes out with a dull spoon – have peace.
Have peace in knowing that these crazy moments are from the Lord. They are teaching and shaping your little one's hearts and they are teaching and shaping your heart as well.
These crazy, poopy little humans are a blessing from the Lord.
Don't believe the lies of our culture.
It's not important that you look like a runway model or that your house is freshly cleaned and straightened. It's not even important that there's a from-scratch meal on the table three times a day.
It's important that your children know they are loved. And that they always will be – by you and by our Heavenly Father who loves them even more than we can comprehend!
He is at work in your home – he is at work in your heart.
Give grace to one another. “Oh, I'd never let me kid do that…” “I'd never let my kid eat that…” “My kids will never…” “Why don't they do that with their kids?”…”I can't believe they do that with their kids…” “What is that Mother thinking?”… “Those poor kids…” “If those were my kids I'd discipline them for that…”
So Spare Me the Sympathy.
Let's stop doing this to one another! Let's encourage one another. Let's lift one another up. Let's stop focusing on all the wrongs our children commit and focus on the forgiveness we get to offer them in the name of Christ! Let's stop having a meltdown every time our child has a meltdown (talking to myself here) and instead see it as a teachable moment in their life. Let's stop acting like these child rearing and child bearing years are just something to power through – can we not SAVOR THEM for the incredible learning and faith building experience that they are?
Each day, even though we fail, the Lord gives us grace.
Let's give that grace to one another.
Yes, Mama, your hands are full. They are full of beautiful blessings.
And Amen.
More of my ramblings on motherhood and parenting:
Monica Culjak Cromwell
Amen! Beautifully written…what an inspiration!
Maggie Esch
Perfect! This is exactly the subject I was discussing with my husband! Honestly it was more like a rant on my part than a discussion, but ….. anyways…… we have 4 beautiful children and are hoping to adopt more, and some of the reactions are so strange. “Why would we want more kids?”, they ask. “Don’t you have your hands full already?” Yep we do! And our hearts are full too. There is no limit to God’s love for us, and no limit of our love for our children! Is my house a mess? Yes! Is my life chaotic? Yes! Do we get tired? Yes! Would we trade it for anything? No! Thanks for being a breath of fresh air in this world full of negatives 🙂
Carol
Golden words. I am going to share this with my MOPS group. As a mother of 6 I have also heard the comments and seen the sympathetic glances. Now that my oldest is 21 and my youngest is 5 I don’t get as much of that. But I do have people assume that my teenage daughters are the 5 yo’s mom. I try to give grace to those people as well. Be blessed!!
Amanda
Amen! My thoughts exactly – just worded a little better than I could – cause you rock at that sort of stuff!
Laura
The struggles of parenthood. As if it wasn’t hard enough already, now we have to take vocalized judgement from strangers! I am so tired of the sarcastic ‘You’ve got your hands full!’ line. People never know what to do when I respond that atleast my hands are full of good things. And I only have 2 kids!
Here is a little post I wrote concerning motherhood:)
http://cinnamonsticksblog.blogspot.com/2014/04/a-little-bit-of-crazy.html
Jen Johnson
This is exactly how I feel! Mine are a little older, but I make sure to take every stinkin’ opportunity to praise any parent I come across. I know there were a few times I was brought back to the bigger, beautiful picture of parenthood by a kind comment from a stranger, or my mother, or grandmother. Loving, and teaching, and letting go of guilt(still working on that one!) it’s an amazing gift from God. I’m proud that my 17 year old daughter doesn’t want to leave home yet! I figure I must not have messed up too much! 😉 Thanks for the happy tears this morning! JJJ
Lin
Blessed be the name of the Lord Shaye! With each glance and/or sigh of sympathy there are oh so many more that envy the life and beautiful blessings you have. Continue to speak those positive blessings on your children, over yourself as their mother and your husband as their father. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it. – Proverbs 18:21. God see’s it as confirmation of your faith and work in your life to bring it to reality.
You are doing a wonderful job and this is a blessed life you have chosen.
Donika
AMEN!!! I remember when my teenaged boys were little and we would go somewhere. The boys are 19 months apart and my youngest had autism (you would never know it now) and would throw horrific tantrums. I got the pitying glances, the looks of pursed-mouth-disapproval, and unsolicited comments. “I don’t know how you do it,” like, I was going to give up and drop my kids off on a street corner?! You slog through the rough times, because the good times are so precious, and those little arms around your neck and the sweet, soft cheek resting on you erase the troubles of the day. Each child is a precious gift to be treasured, not a burden!!!
Amanda c
Amen sister! Love it!
Elizabeth
Amen! Thank you for your lovely words of encouragement.
Suzy
Dude! I am so glad you wrote this and I will be sharing! As a mom of 5 ranging in ages from 11 years To 2 years I seriously get this. I could write a book on how messed up our society is with our view of children, parenting and the family unit. Am I tired? YES! But I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Jessica
Thank you for writing this!! Those comments when we’re in public just break my heart. Most of the time my children are behaving and it’s a comment of “OH MY WORD!!! Three kids you have you’re hands full!” or something like that. Which I try to kindly reply “If you think my hands are full you should see my heart!” Once I was at the park with my husband and our three kids and a women stop me and said “Three kids!” I thought here we go again and she continued “How blessed you are. Congratulations!” It was so nice to hear something positive.
Jackie
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now….a friend told me about your blog about a year ago. You see, we lived in Wenatchee for about 2.5 years (late 2009-early 2012). We had moved for my husbands job and are now back in our hometown in SW Washington. I enjoy all your homesteading adventures!
This post was so timely for me. I have two littles and on some days it’s just daunting! What a beautiful reminder….your words are really what I needed this morning, so many thanks.
God bless!
Jesse & Katie Hoffmann
Love your post. Keep them coming!!!
Stephanie
Amen sister! Thanks for sharing your heart on this subject, and for providing so much scripture back up! It’s amazing how pervasive the enemy’s lies are in our society. It’s refreshing to know there are many of us who still believe to have our quiver full of those special blessings! Keep up the good work!
carolyn schwartz
Yes I remember when people would say Boy! you have you hands full!!I always thought to myself what are you talking about??? I really did not think of it that I had my hands full! We were BLESSED with 6 children only one at home anymore good times when they were all at home!!
Rebecca
Divorced when my fourth child was a newborn and my oldest of my four children was only five, I worked a full time job as well as tried to be the best mother that I could. Do I regret my marriage that produced these four beautiful stair-step babies? Never! I regretted that my marriage failed, but these four wonderful blessings from the Lord have been the best blessings of my life! All these years later, adding the in law children and grandchildren, I have twenty “arrows in my quiver” and I give thanks for them every day! Was it hard to do as a single mother? YES! Kind of “refiner’s fire” hard. Was it worth it? ABSOLUTELY YES!!!! My fridge is graced by children’s art, my floor is often covered with toys, and there are often kiddos sleeping over on Nana’s floor – and I count my blessings! This is what I wanted all my life! Amen Shaye! You said it well my friend.
Melissa
My three kids are 22 months apart, so I’ve heard the “You’ve got your hands full” more times than I could even count. I do think most of the time it is well meaning, but it is so refreshing to hear someone throw in “What a blessing!” every so often. Also, good to know I’m not the only one to throw tantrums alongside my toddlers 😉
Lori
I raised 6 kids, all born within 9 years of each other the middle 4 are stair steps the biggest gap there was 18 months, the first 2 and the last 2 a little over 2 years apart, and my youngest also has autism and was very hard to raise with the other 5, but we did it, the hard part was not the children but their father who had addiction and violent tendencies. The children were and still are a joy, although I had a friend tell me a long time ago when their little they trample, on your feet, and when their grown they trample on your heart, this is so true as they turn into adults and some parents themselves, it hurts you to see them hurt and struggle, and all you can do is pray and encourage, and help out when necessary and possible, I’m helping my son raise his own three children until their if/when their mother can safety and adequately parent the children and thus be reunited with the family they were in foster care for 2 years and have been with me and their dad for the last year and a half, and for all their issues they to are most of the time a blessing now that we for the most part doing our best with what we’ve been dealt and they feel safe and even when they weren’t in a way they still were blessings in disguise, and yes there are times my hands are full but I don’t want sympathy I want encouragement, for no child should ever have to feel like their a burden, and parents need to get of their pity pots and deal with them as blessing and not burdens, ok now I’m on my soap box, so I’ll say good bye at that and thank you for your post that reminded me of that cause some days are more challenging than others.
Fred
Awesome. Very good writing
nan
And when you are old(er) your house will be filled with beautiful grandbabies. What a legacy to look forward to! As a recent empty nester it is the part of life that I most look forward to after 28 years of having children, wonderful, fun, remarkable children, in the house. Enjoy!!
Audra
So glad that you shared this. I had to stop at two children. I am not the personality that could handle more, I love the Lord with all my heart, but my nerves were stretched beyond what I needed to stretch them. I always wanted to have a little woman family but alas, nope. Maybe one of my girls will be better suited to having a large family.
Allison
I just had my fifth beautiful baby. Whenever I get the “hands full” comment (which is quite often) I just smile and say, “I like to think my heart is full.” They usually don’t know what to say after that.
joanie elbourn
Yes! With 5 kids- at one time they were newborn, 2,4,5,6 years old- I heard that alot. My usual answer was ” It’s so much better than empty “- People usually stopped talking then : )
Shelby
Whoa! Do I ever know what you mean! I have 6 Blessings, with another due in December, and I hear that ALL THE TIME. I think it was more difficult to have just two little ones (the first and second) than any of the others. Once they get a little older, they can be so helpful and be a “productive” member of the family (instead of just a consumer)! What a joy!
Allison
yep, we hear it all the time with our “herd” of six, the sad thing is they say it in front of the kids, do they realize what attitudes they are communicating to innocent children? We have our struggles and days of exhaustion and chaos, we never intended to have this many children, I never thought I could handle it, there are days when I’m sure I can’t, but with each bedtime and God’s grace, I face another day afresh. Now I wouldn’t change it for the world. And now I catch myself feeling sorry for those people who make insensitive comments, they don’t know what they’re missing.
Stephanie
Thank you for the encouragement. I am 11 weeks pregnant with my first and I literally just vomited before reading your post. Thank you for reminding me that morning/all day nausea is a blessing from the Lord! Thank you for reminding me that he is at work in my home and my heart!
Sarah
Thank you so much for these words! What an encouragement to read. I will have to store this graceful response for when I get the “your hands sure are full.” I’m currently pregnant with our first, due in October, and I’m already aware of the numerous comments and judgements people offer so freely to momma’s. May I search my own heart and repent of judgments I make on how others choose to parent.
Tricia Bush
Thank-you. You know who hates that negative comment more than me? MY KIDS! They are not deaf… and we hear it all the time AND my kids are not always misbehaving when people say it. But, I love to respond with, “No, they are a blessing and I would not rather have any other job”. My kids really love it when I stand up for them like that. We homeschool so I take every opportunity to let them know that (even when it’s hard) I love having them near me. I love my five beautiful babies and God is faithful to equip us momma’s. Oh, and I love that you said, “Damnit” right before you quoted scripture. I am not being sarcastic- it shows your passion and conviction. And, it cracked me up 🙂
Angela/Parisienne Farmgirl
Perfectly said.
“You’ve got your hands full.” I hear it EVERY TIME I leave the house.
The other day I said snarkily “Oh, I’ve never heard THAT one before.”
But usually, as you said, I say, “No, I’ve got my arms full.”
Sadly they don’t know what they are missing out on.
You rock.
Now, I’m off to set some of my little blessings straight! Grrrrrrrr…..
Sarah
Thank you for this post! When people see me with my 3 children and comment, “You sure have your hands full!” I reply with a smile “With love”
Camille
We are a blended family with five blessings aged 20, 13, 9, 7 and 7, with another on the way. I loved what you wrote and it captured how I feel perfectly. My heart is full indeed. Thanks for writing this piece!
Deana
When mine were small I found out that if I changed my tone/answers to those that made comments it changed the way I felt about them. It somehow gave the judgement less merit. To the “You’ve got your hands full” I smiled & replied “Yes, isn’t it wonderful that I was blessed with these boys?” To the “Wow he got dirty today!” I answer “They love to play in the dirt when I garden it is so much better for them than video games” and so on. I noticed those same people would smile and speak and seem genuinely interested in me & my kids the next time they saw us rather than judgmental looks. It also made my kids feel good to know how proud I was of them – dirt, climbing, & all. This later let to better behavior as they love for me to be proud of them.
As tired as I was when mine were small I would now give anything if I could go back and have another day enjoying the wonder of small children now that they are are nearly teenagers. I really miss it.
Madelyn
Sigh……. thank you.
Erin
Amen sister!!! One mama’s heart to another!!!
Sabrina Green
Being a mom is the most rewarding and challenging thing I have ever done. My kids are grown now, but I remember the knowing smiles from older moms. I didn’t take their comments as criticism or judgement, but as an acknowledgement of how hard it is to keep everything moving in a positive direction. Of course, it is a blessing to be in that season of life. But sometimes it was helpful for someone to notice how much work it is, too. Moms, be confident in your skills as a parent, act deliberately, and not reactionary. When you begin to really feel that way, you will not feel criticized at every turn. Most people mean well, and aren’t judging you harshly.
Stephanie Crooks
Dear Shaye
Still on catch up with the blog! Been having a tough couple of days with adolescent grandchildren and feeling unwell. I have been threatening to divorce them! Never was this post so timely! Thank you for wise words today even if they were written 4 years ago. Steph in UK.