I'm only a few weeks away from having my third baby since starting this blog (way back when I didn't have any fine lines surrounding my eyes). Wow. I can't believe so many of you have been on this journey with me for so long.
As super-pregnant, hormonal woman normally do, I've been thinking a lot about the new baby and what that will mean for our family over these past few days. Especially as carrying the baby becomes ever more difficult and painful. One starts to think of nicer things, like baby's life outside the womb, when one is getting nerve pain shot down the leg sporadically throughout the day.
Deep in the woes of this emotional roller coaster, I found myself praying over and over.
Lord, help me to trust you with this.
Lord, help this to go exactly as you see fit.
Lord, help me to approach this birth without fear.
Lord, help me to be at peace with whatever comes.
As we've learned in both of our births, nothing goes quite to plan. At least for this slightly deformed/slightly unique Mama. But so it goes.
Yesterday, I sat in a small room with my Doctor, along with a medical student. My Doctor was having me explain my situation to the medical student, who was hanging on to the words like he'd never heard anything quite like it. And frankly, he probably hasn't. You see, our first child was breech and even though we'd seen a midwife through our prenatal care, her birth resulted in a cesarean section despite all our desperate attempts to flip her. Our second child was positioned correctly and we were able to have a successful vaginal, although very ‘medical', birth.
But both those babies were in the right uterus.
This baby is in the left uterus.
Yes, I have two (you can read more about that here).
So this uterus has never been pregnant. It's never seen a cesarean section or a natural labor. This is what they call an “untried” uterus. And thus, our attempt at a vaginal birth after cesarean section for our third baby was ACTUALLY just a regular vaginal birth.
A non-VBAC-VBAC is what my Doctor referred to it as.
Yes, I'd had a cesarean. But not in this uterus.
You can see how complicated this can get medically to decipher. Even though we'd attempted to see a midwife for this pregnancy, we were quickly sent to an OB because there simply was NO medical documentation on any cases like this. It's a bit hairy.
Anyway.
Our OB has been very supportive and encouraging through this pregnancy – eager to help us have a successful non-VBAC-VBAC. Unfortunately, much to all our disappointment, we found out yesterday that baby was breech. Another. Breech. No wonder I've been feeling that giant lump up in my ribs all these weeks – there's a big ‘ol head up there.
And so here we are. Scheduled for a unplanned cesarean section. Instead of a ‘non-VBAC-VBAC', I am now my Doctor's first ‘Primary Secondary Cesarean' – the first for this uterus, but second for me. Based on my left uterus' size and fluid levels, the chances of baby flipping are slim-to-none. I've got to accept this is the dealt hand.
After my two hour tantrum in which I cried and threw a little pity party for myself whining to Stuart about recovery time and catheters and all that jazz, I realized what a turd I was being. Shaye, stop being a turd. Get over yourself.
I promised myself that if I ever went through this again after Georgia's birth, I would remember a few very important lessons. Ahem. They are as follows:
Shaye's Rules For Herself For An Unplanned Cesarean
1. Carrying a healthy child to term is a huge accomplishment.
Especially with my condition, in which pre-term labor is of very high risk. Here we are at 37 weeks and we're doing great. That, in and of itself, is more than I could hope for.
2. I am not validated by how I give birth.
I am a sinner, saved by grace, and redeemed by the blood of Christ. My validation is found in Him and Him alone. It is not found in my works as a wife, blogger, mother, or… birth(er). My works in the birthing room do not make me righteous or unrighteous. They do not add or take away from my sanctification or my salvation. They are an earthy experience with no eternal value. Let's gain some perspective here.
3. I need to trust in God and not rely on my finite understanding.
Hey Shaye, remember when the Lord said to trust him in all things? That he is working for good in the lives of those whom he loves? That he will deliver you? That he will care for you? That he will provide you with what you need? That he will calm your anxiousness? That he will be faithful in all things at all times?
Do you trust him to do those things? Then trust him with this.
Though my mind mourns for the cesarean scar that will be opened once again for this little one (those incisions hurt, man), I can already say that I've accepted the Lord's path for this situation. Frankly, this isn't about me. And it's not about the baby. It's about the Lord's perfect plan for this situation.
Even though I did have a small pity party earlier (let's blame it on the hormones, shall we?), my prayer is that the Lord would be glorified through this cesarean section and birth however possible. My prayer is that I would be driven to my knees to honor and love him. My prayer is that through disappointment and fear, I would remain faithful in loving and trusting a gracious God who is ever faithful to provide his children with what they need.
Who knows best how this birth should happen? Me? Surely not.
I've yet to meet my third child and yet, my the Lord already knows the baby's heartbeat – it's name – it's every hope and dream – it's entire life story. The Lord has wonderfully created this human being, from every hair on it's head to it's (most likely) hobbit shaped feet. This child is the Lords. And it's His choice exactly how this birth will blossom.
So I'm packing away the spinning babies techniques. And I'm packing up the violin that played me my pity party music all afternoon.
Instead, I'm packing around the promises of God which hold true yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
And Amen.
KNice
Shaye thank you so much for always sharing your deep faith and reminding me of how much the Lord loves us and that His plan is perfect. I will be praying for a wonderful birth experience for all of you!
April
I know that you’re dealing with more than the typical last-few-weeks-of-pregnancy emotions, but I thought maybe this would help you, as it helped me during my last pregnancy:
http://www.mothering.com/articles/the-last-days-of-pregnancy-a-place-of-in-between
It’s a beautiful article written by a great midwife from near my hometown in northern MN. It was something that I read time and time again, and each time it helped to remind me and almost…give me permission to be ok with the flood of emotions and uncertainty that come with that time. It was extremely comforting to me, and I hope it will be to you as well.
Lauren
Even after recently giving birth to my second baby reading your #2 & #3 rules are such good reminders! My husband and I live in Haiti and I gave birth to our first one here, but something about giving birth to our second one scared me all the more. But as you reminded us, and so many of my friends around me at the time did, why don’t we trust God when He promises to be faithful? From one mom to another cling to these promises as the days lead up to your delivery. He will carry you!
Blessings to your family- Lauren
Betty Tracy
I don’t suppose there is any way your doctor would consider a vaginal breech delivery. I’ve had two and they weren’t bad (actually, they were the least painful transitions of my 9 births). Babies are fine today, though one was a bit hairy for a few minutes during birth.
Anyway, You will be in our prayers. Look forward to pictures of you new little Lamb:-)
bobbi
Amen. Thank you for sharing. π I will be praying for a healthy baby, birth and momma. And I really like the quote “I am a sinner, saved by grace, and redeemed by the blood of Christ”. We all need to remember that. I am sharing. π
bobbi
Just out of curiosity, do any of your sisters have the same Uterine condition you have?
Shaye Elliott
Nope! Just ‘ol me π
Rose
My third birth (last year) was vaginal, but my baby’s head was so big that he kinda busted me in half when he came out. My pubic bone separated during delivery, and when they rolled me over to clean up (not paralyzed, but I couldn’t move my lower half myself due to pain), my pelvis was twisted so as to be severely out of alignment. It was agony, and I had to use crutches and a wheelchair for about a month afterward. Definitely not the birth/recovery I had hoped for! BUT…all that to say…my baby was worth it. And yours is too. You gotta do what you gotta do. Be strong, mama! (((hugs)))
Jacque Campbell
As a mom who wanted a beautiful, natural birth and ended with a very traumatic c section I empathize with your stress.
You have challenged me because I am not there yet. Most OBs will not allow me at a TOL because of the type of uterine scar I have. I want more children but would still rather adopt before going through that experience again.
May God give you and your heart the peace that surpasses all understanding. You are brave to share this experience because it is so personal. So many willingly serve up advice without understanding the impact of their words.
courtney
Don’t give up hope yet! There’s still plenty of time for baby to change positions! It happens all the time. Find a natural chiropractor well trained in the Webster technique and that will help! My baby turned breech at 40 weeks so I had 1 visit with the chiro and he flipped. Born naturally at home at 41 weeks. Also, check out the exercises on the Spinning Babies website to help get baby in the right position. It is not too late. Birth does not need to be scheduled and traumatic (of course, there are rare exceptions, but American doctors are FAR too quick to jump on csections, since hospitals make more money that way). Gently helping baby change positions so you can have a normal, healthy vaginal birth IS possible. Best of luck!!!
LauraS
Shaye,
Your post is very inspiring and really puts into perspective what is important. I agonized for a long time about how my birth didn’t go as I had planned it a few short weeks ago. Your situation really helps me feel more at peace with everything. Thank you for your encouraging blog!
Angela/Parisienne Farmgirl
Wow girl.
You rock.
I don’t know what more to say.
This is so amazing.
I’ll refrain from blowing smoke you know where but we women need to share our strengths AND weaknesses with each other so God can be glorified.
I’m so excited for you to hold that baby.
2 is hard.
3 is a breeze.
You’ll see.
Much affection,
Ang
Jessika
Best of luck and wishes!
(by the way, the ad that appeared at the top of this post was an ad for pregnancy prevention… a bit way off-topic)
Lanna
” I AM NOT VALIDATED BY HOW I GIVE BIRTH.” This was so timely for me and brought tears to my eyes! I just had my first a week ago, and I was determined to go unmedicated. I did everything “right” and had done all the research on how to deal with various complications, but after 32 hours of fighting hard my body couldn’t take anymore and I am so thankful for that epidural that gave me a little rest. At 36 hours I was ready to push but between the time the nurse checked me and the time my (very supportive of natural birth) o.b. got there, she had gone transverse, her heart rate was dropping and she was too high to turn. I had to have a c-section right then. It was so not how i planned it but oh how God showed up for me and revealed more of himself to me through that. I keep saying he taught me how to walk on water that day. And our daughter is perfectly healthy. An amazing reminder of his goodness and faithfulness! Thank you for sharing your story and know that you are not alone! I’ll be praying that He would take you even deeper into trusting him through the last few weeks of pregnancy and birth of your sweet babe!
Lisa Deering
I admire your honesty, transparency, and how you’ve come full circle to putting your trust in the Lord. You have reminded me that when we trust, we are trusting the one who is able to do “immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.” That is my prayer for you, that you are blown away on your delivery day because He will exceed all of your expectations. π
Life Breath Present
What great reminders to yourself!, especially as you face an unexpected and unplanned situation that is very important!
You are doing wonderfully! You will birth beautifully! Your latest edition will be incredible! And things will go well as planned by you’re Higher Power! :mama hugs: π
raisingcropsandbabies
After having a traumatic homebirth (injured my son lifelong and me) I realized how I put my value in labels “homebirther” “breastfeeder” (which humbly enough never worked out either… inadequate milk gland number). I really learned the hard way my value does not lie in labels or in how I give birth… only label that matters is child of God!
I’ve had 3 c-sections now that resulted in healthy babies! Praise the LORD! After having an unhealthy, disabled baby, I am in awe of healthy babies… Such blessings.
My 2nd c-section was also MUCH easier than my first c/s (or homebirth for that matter) because I knew what to expect and what to do differently. Walk, walk, walk. Belly wrap. I made 6 weeks worth of healthy, freezer suppers and snacks and breakfasts, so meals were took care of (I did 1 big day of beef meal making and big day of chx and 1 big day of breakasts). Made activity bags and bought small thrift store toys for my little ones I could pull out when they needed distracted or wanted me and I just couldn’t do it… perfect. My 2nd c/s was my favorite birth and recovery of all 4 of my kids… there is something about that third baby too… Favorite memories.
Oh, and another thing i love to do during my c-sections is play a playlist of my favorite songs… I just bring a cd mix or my ipod and docking station and they play it in the OR! I cherish 3 of my kids were born to my favorite tunes
Katie
Is your doctor open to a vaginal breech birth? It is typically the pelvis that is considered untested and since you’ve had one vaginal delivery, there shouldn’t be any concerns there. Prayers and support for you however your little one arrives, but just thought I’d mention that as a doula and a mom who has delivered a breech baby vaginally at home π
Jennifer
Your writing is excellent…for one reason — honesty. Thank you!
Kisha
I had my third failed vbac attempt seven months ago. My baby survived, I survived, but my uterus ruptured. I then found out how many women lose their babies from vbac attempts and that uterine rupture is a small percentage but a very real VERY awful thing. I quit mourning not having a natural birth after that. Baby was alive, I was alive, glory to God!
Shaye Elliott
Yes, Glory to God!
becky j
Shaye…you put a smile on my 46 year old, momma of 3 Biggies {ages 22,19 and 15 π face…The Lord strong and mighty go before you and surround you with peace. May your delivery and recuperation go smoothly. In Jesus’ dear name, amen
Buffy Miller
Births are unpredictable. My first two babies were 8 lbs. 4 oz. and we discovered, both times, after many hours of labor that they were two big for me so I had C-sections. I had resigned myself to C-sections and was mad at my doctor when he wouldn’t schedule a C-section for my third baby (I was trying to avoid the labor with that one). When it was close to my due date with my third one, we moved. So I packed and lifted boxes. I went into labor 2 weeks early. The baby was a pound lighter and she fit! I was shocked to have a natural delivery.
I say pray your way through it. Relax and leave it in God’s hands. The point is to get the baby out with the least risk to you or the baby. Then the most crucial part of that baby’s life starts – Living and learning in a loving family.
I am praying for you and your family Shaye.
magda
Just wishing you the best, everything will be fine as long as you put your hand in His hand. Will be thinking of you!
Susan Livingston
Facing fear fuels our faith – it’s only by conquering the giants we fulfill our destiny. Well done!
Peggy
I’ve been following your blog for awhile. I love your writing, especially your humor. I’m awed by your response to this condition you are in. For such a young woman to trust. God so completely is amazing. You inspire so many other young women -also this old woman. Praying for a healthy baby and an easy delivery nod recovery for you. All babies are great gifts no matter how they arrive here.
Amanda
I stumbled across your blog a few months ago and can’t get enough.
Very best of luck! You are absolutely right the birthing process is not a reflection of who you are, and you will recover! Think only of happy healthy baby.
Neither of my births went as planned, the first I had wanted all natural but my old and wise doctor was adamant of epidural as I was only 20 and my husband was away on military duty, his wish was that I didn’t coming away thinking it was a terrible experience. I was angry at the time but thankful now, trust that God had given him that wisdom. Turned out my first had his umbilical cord wrapped around his throat 3 times, every time I had a contraction (without even trying to push) he was strangled to the point is heart rate would drop. The doctor actually had to reach inside me and cut the cord off of his neck to deliver, he was born vaginaly but with 13 doctors, student doctors and nurses in the room with recessitation devises in hand and me on oxygen. That child was born with Asperger’s syndrome a high functioning autism, they are lots of idea of what causes that in children but I have to believe a child developing in womb with little oxygen to it’s brain is my cause. My second birth at 28 I was all about that epidural! But from the time my water broke at home to his arrive was a short 45min! just barely made it to the hospital bed, no time for drugs just a happy, healthy boy.
Good for you for recognizing that what we have idealized in our head is not really important, it most likely will not go that way, that will save you heart ache later.
This is fun reading everyone’s experience, thanks all!
Abigail @They're Not Our Goats
Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for this beautiful post. I am a birth doula and had my two babies at home, but I often struggle with the attitude that so many of my peers have towards cesareans and “medicalized” births. You are so right that birth does not validate you as a woman or carry eternal value. Thank you for your perspective and your godly example. I will remember this post probably every time that I am pregnant and wondering how things will turn out. Thank you. I am sharing this!
Laura
I just came across your post almost a year later. I had a c-section last summer. It came down to the safety of my baby for me. But sometimes I still feel like I gave up too easily on natural birth. And then after pumping and pumping, etc., I had to supplement with formula. Double guilt. So your points were a great reminder for me. My worth isn’t in how I had birth. So true! And I’m not in control. God is. He can take less than optimal things and make them good. During the c-section, my doctor was able to remove the fibroid that was blocking my cervix. So it’s possible to have a VBAC next time. AND in the end He gave us an incredible baby that I couldn’t love more.
Caitlin
*Balling right now*
I have the same condition as you- 2 uteruses, 2 cervixes, and a septum (that was partially removed via surgery)
I am currently pregnant for the third time- my first (daughter) was on my right side and born at 29 weeks, 1 day after PPROM at 26 weeks, 5 days. Second I miscarried at nearly 13 weeks (missed miscarriage) and this one I am pregnant on the left again and 31.5 weeks. I am currently awaiting FFN test results as I have felt off the past couple of days. Anyway, the doctor today mentioned that she thinks this one is breech. Baby was head down at 25 weeks so now I am sitting here super bummed. I told myself when I got pregnant that everyday I made it passed where I had my daughter I would be so happy and a c-section is no big deal but now that it’s looking more and more like a possibility I just want to cry and throw a fit. I have dreamed of vaginal delivery pretty much my entire life. I always loved watching A Birth Story on TLC when I was younger and always pictured that moment in my head. Anyway, my daughters c-section was traumatic for obvious reasons and I was really hoping to get a shot at a vaginal delivery. I am going to bookmark this post so I can remember what is important-Gods will.
Thanks for sharing- I don’t know anyone else with this fun anomaly. π