The hardest thing I've done in my life is live through the every day.
It's mundane. It's sloppy. And it's hard.
I want to be all like “Yay! Cherish the moments!” but secretly inside, I want to crawl away to a quite home where there are no little ones to constantly peck me to death.
Yes, peck me to death. Children are like chickens and having them around all day, ‘erry day is like being slowly pecked to death by a chicken. It's a blood bath.
I see you through the screen… judging me… “But Shaye! You are so blessed. You have wonderful children and they are a gift from God!” HECK YES, I am! And HECK YES, they are!
But the reality is that raising children is just like any other task in a fallen world – it's hard. As I slaved away over the dishes last night, the two boys grabbed wine glasses from the dishwasher just in time to slam them together with an enthusiastic ‘CHEERS!' before they promptly shattered and littered broken bits of glass over the brand new woven rug I'd just put down hours before.
I cleaned it up. And then I whole-heartily shouted to Stuart “I'm so tired of living in a fallen world!“… *insert anger shout*
And I suppose we should feel that way. After all, a Christian is a pilgrim in a foreign land. This is not our home. All of this world is smeared with sin and brokenness. Even something like parenting cannot be fully enjoyed because we're all so bound and entangled in selfishness and rampant sin. It's in everything and it's everywhere. We can't escape it.
As much as I can cling to my Father's promises, I do. But being the broken individual that I am, I still find myself longing for my children to be grown adults that can come to visit for supper, help me clear the table, and then leave so I can finally go to the bathroom all by myself.
I know I'll miss these days. I know that.
For the homesteading, homeschooling, work-from-home Mama, there is little breathing room. Very, very little breathing room. And today is just one of those days.
You mop the floor, they decide to make homemade lemonade while you're changing your clothes and trail it all around the entire house. You know the days I'm talking about…
…I can hear my husband now: “So you're upset that they're living in the space?”
Yes. Today I am. Today I want them to live in a different space, a tree fort outside perhaps, where lemonade trails make no difference. Today, I want them to stop kicking each other and fighting over who gets to push the mop over the sticky lemonade. Today, I want to feel like any of my words are making even the teeniest difference in their hearts.
A few weeks back, I was talking with my Mom about all the meals we ate growing up. For the life of me, I couldn't think of one meal that she'd made and served to me. I remember what we ate but I couldn't remember a specific time. It made her so angry! For almost twenty years, she made and served me three meals a day. She meal planned, grocery shopped, prepared food, and cleaned up. She slaved every day for my well being. And here I am, a grown adult, being like “Oh, thanks Mom, for all that stuff I can't remember that almost killed you and pushed you to the end of your sanity.”
Sorry, Mom.
…I can hear my husband now: “Just because we don't remember specific events doesn't mean they didn't have a lasting effect on who are as people.”
True, so true. He's so wise.
So as I mop and fold and scrub and clip and nourish and discipline and guide and pray and plead and cry, I'll try to remind myself that even these small actions, though they couldn't care less about them now, will (please God!) have a lasting effect on them. That somehow, despite it's insufficiency, the work will be worthy.
The hardest thing I've done in my life is not what you'd think. The hardest thing I've done in my life is get through the day with joy that only comes from knowing someone worthy died in my place. Christ died so that I could sit here on my computer and whine like a little baby about the sausage stuck to the bottom of my new sock or the spilt milk that is currently dripping from the table to the floor. I know the joy. But I don't feel it all the time. And that is the hardest dang thing in the world. To believe it when you don't always feel it.
God, help me with my unbelief!
I caved and let the littles watch Little House on the Prairie so that I could collect my thoughts enough to not go completely mad. There is literally sausage from lunch stuck to my sock (still wearin' it) and milk dripping to the floor. The kitchen I cleaned for two hours last night is littered with crumbs, dishes, smears, trash, and legos. The laundry that was empty yesterday is now two loads deep. Willy won't nap. There's a poisonous spider living in the corner of my staircase. I broke my favorite wooden spoon. It's raining, somber, and Stu is gone.
This is where I am.
The every day.
The hardest thing I've done in my life is to believe that these days will bring me one step closer to a heaven where my soul will be completely satisfied through Christ, wine glasses will remain intact, selfishness will turn to worship, rage will turn into praise, and for eternity, my heart and my body can rest.
And Amen.
More of my posts on family and motherhood:
Jerry
I’m right there with you. Some quiet “me time” would be awesome. Just to do whatever I want or nothing at all. Some days I want to change my name to Harriet instead of Mom, I get so tired of Mom this, Mom that. I asked for these kids(adoption) and what was I thinking at 50+ yrs old. Did I not realize that 10 years down the road I would have NO, I said NO patience with 5 kids 7-11 yrs old. I get how you feel about the fighting etc. it makes me crazier. Then one has the audacity to say “you don’t love me” sends me over the edge. Hang in there, we’re gonna make it.
Becca
I hear you sister!
Sharon Morrison
Oh honey! I can remember those days. just cry. you will feel better. I am 71 and my daughters are too busy with their own families to visit often, (they all live out of town anyway). Enjoy as you can, the meals you have now as.. a family because when they are grown,,,,it will be over except for holidays. You will have all the time in the world to yourself. Each stage of life is different and they all have their joys and sorrow. I love the peace now. I choose when to visit my grans, and great grans. After about 3 hours…I am ready to go home to my perfect home, with chintz fabric everywhere, sunlight, flowers, doggie, kitty, and absolute quiet. Wine and a good book. Life is good at 70.
The hardest part of raising children is yet to come. When they are little they walk on your feet, and when they are older they walk on your heart. But everything turn out good, I promise.
Tina
Thank you both for sharing! I’m currently in the “walking on my heart” stage and I needed both reminders today. They also remind me of the passage in my Bible I read last night, ECC 3.
ECC 3: 1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
Bobbie
Oh my heart. So true.
Kathina
Well said, Sharon Morris!! We too empty nest.
Melissa Griffiths | Bless this Mess
From this momma of 5, you aren’t alone. We’re in the trenches together friend.
Christopher
Be extremely happy that you only have 5 kids. I would so love to have only 5 kids!! But no. I’ve got 2 boys and 10 girls. If I could get away in a heartbeat I would but where? I’ve been stuck with my wife and kids on this island for 15 years now and still haven’t found a boat. ????
Elaine
Oh Shaye,
You write so beautifully and so REAL!
Life is hard. Children are a blessing from our Lord. It doesn’t make it any easier day to day.
Mine are grown now, one married, one engaged and one disabled.
The memories for me are like yesterday. Not so much for them. They are shaped by your hard work, caring and love.
Take heart.
Thank you for always showing “the good, the bad and the ugly”. We need you.
Elaine from San Antonio
Sue
We have all been there. But the first thing that came to my mind is that you are doing too much. If homesteading and homeschooling and doing everything for the betterment of your family isn’t making you happy, who are you trying to to please? Sadly it seems you are wearing too many hats and trying to keep afloat to prove your worth to someone and driving yourself crazy in the long run. Give yourself a break and take down the walls surrounding your “perfect” world and the real world. It’s not so bad out here. I learned that just because so & so can do it, didn’t mean I could or should have to! Live your life for YOU! Think about that and feel the release of guilt and stress of not trying to prove yourself and enjoy your time with your family. It gets easier. (In about 20 years.)
Deb
Oh Sue. I know you mean well but what you say is not really helpful. You seem to “know” Shaye is trying to prove something. You cannot possibly know that. Reading her posts for so long shows her true heart and maybe there is a part that wants to prove something, maybe. I think we all do to some extent. “Live your life for YOU” is not what a follower of Christ is called to do, ever. Laying down our lives is what we need to for Him and for others. Hope you understand.
Deb B
I agree Deb! Sue, I think Shaye said it perfectly. You love your life. Your husband. Your kids. You homestead and homeschool … and love it!
BUT there are always those moments that you feel so overwhelmed with everything going on that it feels like its all just too much…but that’s this imperfect life here on this earth. My husband likes to remind me that until we make it to heaven that’s how this life will be. (I love my guy! He always knows what to say to put it in perspective- and he makes me feel better!)
So you deal with the messes and back breaking days… and the sticky hugs – and you truly wouldn’t change it if you could.
But that’s the choices we make. I rarely ‘ go to town’ , I stay busy enough on our place with baking and canning and kids, and I wouldn’t change it. At the end of the day there is contentment with what you have accomplished that day…
I also have a sister I’m close to that thinks I’m nuts and LOVEs shopping, and going for lunch with the girls a couple times a week- something I can’t understand! I go into town every 6 months and hurry home as soon as I can- ‘ town’ just has too many people and cars and just too many things! I would have a hard time being content with that lifestyle because there’s always more things to see and more things to want…
Thanks, once again Shaye! You can capture what we feel in such touching words!
Rebecca Miller
Oh how much I love this post. It is like a healing balm to read the feelings I feel but cannot put into words myself. We recently thought we might move but shortly decided it was not the right time. I am quite content for the most part to stay where i am. I like my house but I lamented to my husband the hardest part of letting go of moving for now was going back to the mundane everyday nothing new. Thank you for this post and for being frustrated they want to live in this space!
Kim
I love love love your words. For me the lessons learned, meals prepared, and the great family memories of my childhood didn’t come back to me until I was in my forties. And oh the lessons, and the moments and the memories I can cherish now that my time is a little less hectic, a little less noisey and the moments of joy come a bit more often.
Thanks for sharing your day and your thoughts Shaye!
Tracy@OurSimpleHomestead
You just said what we all think, thank you for the wonderful words and for being REAL!
Melissa
Amen and amen!
Amanda
Thank you, really. And I have to laugh because children are so like chickens pecking at your head. In fact in my worser moments I may have even told my daughter to stop chicken pecking my head. Thank goodness they are so stinking cute, innocent and precious. Your words are really inspirational.
Brooke
Your words could not have come at a better time! This week has been hard on me with my husband out of town and my kids continually testing my patience and causing me to continually cry out to the Lord to forgive my selfishness! Yes thank you thank you for letting me know that I am not the only one dealing with the case of the every mundane day. I love being at home with my children every day and know that I am completely blessed in being able to do so, but it is so so hard at times and not always easy to express your feelings.
Karla
Hallelujah, preach it sistah! My kiddos peck me to death too, ha! It’s a shame babies are so cute and sweet and cuddly – makes you want to keep havin’ them. I just had #4 and I feel like I’m drowning, It’s hard to keep it in perspective when you’re living in the trenches of Motherhood. Thank goodness grace abounds.
Elizabeth
It gets better. Slowly. Unperceptively. Then your long, dreary, hard-to-take days are easier. Then they are gone. I wish everyday that my children were still under my roof. That I didn’t lay awake at night wonder if my 21 year old sailor boy will be sent to a dangerous place. I worry everyday that my daughter is safe at her work in the big city. I worry everyday for the college kids~ are they making the right choices. Everyday. Motherhood isn’t for wimps. But it is for prayer warriors.
Adrianne | The Shelton House
Oh, mama knows… I’m pretending not to hear crashes upstairs as I read this right now. Annnnnd here comes a tattler. Keep on keepin’ on moms! We got this!
Jessika
Oh, I understand your woes. I’ve referred to this as “there are too many tabs open in my mind’s browser, and once in a while the computer which is me longs to be turned off.” Poor, modern day analogy, but it’s true. I turned on a song the other day, and then another song on my phone started playing. I thought to myself: THIS is what my mind feels like all day, trying to keep tabs on multiple things completely at once.
For the not remembering little things, remember that you LOVE your mom. Her doing the little things created that love. It’s like a complicated recipe. When done, you don’t necessarily taste the individual ingredients…. but they are there and they created the end product. 🙂
Mchelle Swaim
Laughing. Girl, your boots are cute! The little things.
Heather
Ahhh . . . I remember those days well. One of my oldest child’s favorite sayings was, “I just want some peace and quiet.” Now, I wonder where she heard that !?!
I would also like to offer you some advice from the other side – post-pecked-head. First, of course you can’t remember what your mother did for you! Your brain is full of thousands of details that you need to remember for 5 other people. Caring for young children requires extraordinary presence of mind and concentration. You have to think of everything for them! There just ain’t no room for memories right now! It’s totally normal and totally ok.
Second, you are willing to pour yourself out for your children. It’s a testimony to the kind of love that Jesus embodied. But let’s be practical. A depressed, depleted, exhausted, and discouraged mother will have a very hard time being a good witness to the love of Jesus. Taking care of yourself isn’t bad; it’s absolutely necessary. If you need to let the kiddos watch Little House on the Prairie or do something else to give you some down time, then do it.
Third, I agree with Sue. You might have to rethink your to-do list and cut back on what you expect of yourself each day. Here’s a sobering exercise: add up the amount of time you spend each day on the necessities – changing diapers, feeding the baby, making meals, laundry, wiping up the spills, brushing your teeth (say, what?), going to the bathroom, sleep, etc. – you will probably be surprised to find that you’ll have about 7 1/2 minutes leftover for all those extras on the to-do list. If you’re really committed to that #1 priority then you might have to change your expectations (but killing yourself through overwork isn’t an option).
Jesus’ blessings on you.
cassandra
I have to say that i remember feeling the exact same way when my kids were “littles”. I am in the middle of teenage hell and wish for those day something fierce…it is really over in the blink of an eye. It’s the memories of those days that are pulling me through the teenage years..the verse that is carrying me through right now is Psalm 46:1.
Susan
Thank you for taking the time to write in the midst of your busyness. Love your blog. I’ve got 6 ages 8 and under. Take heart. We’ll survive. I hope….
A.C. Caylor
Oh I needed this. Thank you. 🙂
brit
me too. 4 kids at home, all day every day. all with varying disabilities, and not the laundry nor the dishes care that the kids alone are enough to push me to my drink, drive me insane, bring me to my knees, and have me worn so thin i can’t think straight (just the other day in the middle of a particularly difficult moment- i forgot-and had to ask-what sound the letter “z” made). still the dishes pile, still the laundry mounds, still the bellies want yet another meal, still the groceries have to be bought, and bills have to be paid. not to mention the important things like spending time enough with each child and your spouse! i’m thankful there’s no formula and there’s no right way. i’m thankful we can tweak and bend and manage what we can. i’m thankful we can trust our mothers instinct to know what, if anything, can be let go of today.
Holly
Thank you for these raw words and thoughts! Living in a fallen world is difficult and sometimes one cannot find the energy to be joyful through it all. To God be the glory, friend!
Shaye Elliott
Thank you for your kind words and for visiting my website!
Adria
I have feet the same way lately, my 2 little boys do the exact same things. Thanks for such a brutally honest post!
Allison Lavine
I love your posts… even the posts that remind us how frustrating life can be. My daughter is in her senior year of high school and I am trying to hang on to every second with her. The good and the bad. The Moody Teenager and the young lady she is becoming. Hang in there Shaye! We are all holding on by the tips of our fingers!!! Best wishes to you.
Kaelynn
Seems like maybe you could use some positive words right now, so I’m happy to say that I have some! Given that “the budget” just got a lot tighter (for a few reasons), my husband and I agreed on No Eating Out November for this month. That meant I got to stop whining and really do a weekly meal plan. I HATE meal planning. I’m a fan of spontaneity, so when I meal plan, I always feel like I’m trying to force myself into a box where I don’t want to fit–“but what if I don’t want to eat that when that day rolls around?” I know I’m ridiculous, but I just have some sort of mental block that I have a hard time getting over. But I DID IT. And you know what, it’s every bit as great as you say it is, I admit it. It’s so nice going through my busy days already knowing what I’m making for dinner! It makes so much difference. So, thank you! I appreciate all the step-by-step you’ve done to help make this process possible for me. You have changed my stress levels 🙂
Heather
Judging you through the screen? I think not. I have six of my own whom I homeschooling for 11 years, and I totally get where you are right now. When they get older (my oldest 3 are teens) it’s really not any easier, just hard in different ways. I believe God put us together as families not only for what we can teach our children, but also for what they teach us. And learning is hard stuff! Hang in there, you’re doing difficult things but you’re an example to many.
LeeAnn
Recently I was talking with my adult daughter about this very thing. We decided that our lives are supposed to be too full. That we should always have too many choices. The reason is the answer to the question: “Where can I turn for peace?” The answer: “He, only one.” If our lives are more than we can bear, then it causes us to turn to the One who can show us the way. The One who can answer “what is most important?” We can ask as often as we need an answer. Our footsteps will be guided and our paths will be made clear – but not easy, never easy. But always Good, very Good.
Thank you for this very real post about our very real lives.
Ginger
I’ve just found your blog, and feel like I’ve met a friend. It’s refreshing to see your posts amid an ocean of self-indulged and superficial internet content; something I can relate to, respect, and admire. It never stops amazing me how the Lord brings His children into community at these times when a connection is most needed. Just wanted to say that that life you’re living (and striving to when it’s hard) is a blessing to more than just your bunch. It blessed me today.
Shaye Elliott
Glad you’re here, Ginger!
Megan
For some reason I read this post, wanting to torture myself maybe? As a bereaved momma this is not easy to read. I wish my hardest thing was getting through the mundanity of everyday. Instead my hardest thing is living everyday without one of my blessings. Grieving my child. I know it’s hard raising children, and I agree in our brokenness we struggle. But oh, what I wouldn’t give to have those struggles!!
Shaye Elliott
My prayers are with you, Megan.
shellie
As a 58 year old Mom and Grandmother, who is too far away from my kiddos due to circumstances beyond my control at the moment, I want to encourage you to take everything out of your schedule and life that is not basic and necessary so that you can enjoy this short time of craziness. It truly is short, though I remember as a young mom thinking that it looked as if it would never end. Giving permission to let go of everything but what gives you strength to love your husband and children in this season is imperative. I am deeply, deeply grieving not having my beautiful children under my roof any more on an ongoing, daily basis. And the years that one lives in this later stage are much, much longer than the years of having them under your roof. Oh, to come into one of my teen daughter’s room’s again and snuggle into bed with them or massage their backs and talk about life. And once they get married, there is a whole other family to juggle Thanksgiving and Christmas with and it becomes complicated. May God give you the grace to embrace each day and remove that which causes life to become too burdensome. He wants you to have an abundant life at every stage! Take care of yourself. Have Mommy Days and get away to soothe your soul. A happy, rested Mama is a great Mama! How can one say that it is easy? It is not, but when you are my age and look back, you realize you had such a short season of craziness and then many longer years of personal peace and contentment. I miss so much having them pecking at me and needing me and always being there…..Hang in there, simplify, and enjoy! Truly it goes fast so put all you have into investing in their emotional and spiritual development. At this stage, we are focusing so much on keeping them fed and physically safe, that we don’t realize that this IS the most imperative time that you have to impact them spiritually and with values that will shape their teen years, which determine their adult years, which determine their destiny. Young Moms are often merely coping, but need to know that this time in your children’s lives is the only time that you have when they will truly listen and learn and receive from you in complete unadulterated faith. So it is so important to invest in them above all else at this time. It will effect not only theirs, but your, entire life henceforth. I regret going into survival mode and being involved in too many things, rather than taking advantage of their sponge stage and pouring even more into them than I did to set them on the right spiritual course. Blessings of strength, grace, and wisdom, be upon you for this season of divine motherhood and lots of messes! Sent in love……
Beth
“The hardest thing I’ve done in my life is live through the every day.” Yes. I’m there. My kids are all the same ages as yours, within months, but I have one extra (older I think). I was homeschooling until just a month ago when I sent my 2 oldest to school because YOU KNOW WHAT I just couldn’t do it anymore in this season of my life!! Every. Single. Day. Is a gauntlet of every emotion known to man, from the full knowledge of the blessing of my family to absolute despair and “Oh God why did you let me get myself into this??” and everything in between. Love and solidarity xoxo
Ashley Antkowiak
Shaye, this is so good. As a homeschooling, homesteading, work from home mom of 4 kids 7 and under, I know EXACTLY what you mean. And your words were like honey. I’ve heard (from my mom and other older women) that once you get through these years, you remember them with rose colored glasses, the way you remember child birth. You remember that it was “pretty hard” but mostly you remember your kids being little kids and laughing and loving you. We won’t remember the wine glasses or the lemonade or the 80 fingernails and toenails we had to clip every bath time. God is so good. For now we get to have joy in the cross and cherish the sweet moments that make their way in amongst the chaos.
Laura
I’m sure this post is older, but I felt I should comment anyway. I too have been through your walk. Homeschooling in the 90s was a challenge,9 men in my house had its moments. Trying to raise animals and do 4-H with said boys equally interesting. And having 4 of my sweet boys join the military was and still is a call to constant prayer.
But Lord willing time will pass and they do grow more independent and finally leave home. And you can actually use the bathroom without someone yelling your name!
At this point of my life, I find myself wishing I’d been a little better daughter. Missing MY mamma. Wish I’d taken time to visit her more, call more. And have some time to just sit with her. It’s hard to squeeze in that time. But all us busy mammas need to remember our mother’s miss us! They love those Grands but believe me they miss YOU! I’m 62 my mom has been gone for awhile, and I miss her.
Shaye your doing it right, and doing it well. Blessings dear one.
Emmie
Honestly if you think your life with 4 kids on a homestead is difficult, you should have tried it before the internet made it possible to make money advertising your predicament on a full color blogspot. Or from a sod hut where my grandparents were born. The internet brings you lots of exposure, accolades, approval, and money. Can you bring that with you, in the end? If not, lose it now. Your kids are growing up thinking your smartphone is more important than God. I truly hope you can erase the influence of internet in their hearts.