At the end of it all, I have hope.
We lost our Lochy boy this past week. He ventured a wee bit too far from home (not far as the crow flies, but none-the-less, ended up on a 45 mph country road) and was struck by a car. A pedestrian happened to see him laying by the trees, down the hill from the road, and was thoughtful enough to call the number we had listed on the LOST DOG posters that were now strewn around our little town.
Stuart picked him up (I'm far too weak) and we buried him in the back pasture by the cherry trees.
Y'all. I hate moments like this.
I even messaged my brother in law: “You know that saying, ‘It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?' Well, that's crap. I wish I would have never known this pain.”
At the end of it all, it's not true. But in the moment, I felt it.
I'm so bloody tired of saying goodbye to animals. It is the very hardest part about farm life – to want to keep going when it all just feels all for not. I can't bear the pain. But I can, and I do, and we move on.
See the horrible paradigm I'm in?!
I completed a 23 minute rank to Stuart about how I don't understand how God could have created such a horrible… and beautiful… and painful… and joyful… and awesome… and excruciating existence all in the same. How could God have given me such a passion for this rustic life, while simultaneously giving me far too many situations where it'd be the better idea to just run for the hills with a bottle of wine?
I miss my dog. I miss Sal. I miss Toby. I miss the gardens we've left behind.
But here I am. Dreaming big. Pushing on. Moving forward. Because, to be frank, I don't know what else to do in times like this.
By the way, “pushing on” will most certainly involve getting a puppy. Because hello. Who is going to guard my sheep now that Lochy is gone? A puppy. That's who. I'm a dog-person. What-cha-gunna-do.
Are homesteaders just weird people? Are we of a strange sort that continues to touch the hot kettle, even when our hand is already burnt? Are we gluttons for punishment and torture? Are we missing some sort of brain chemistry that allow us to see life as the rest of the world? In what matrix does it make sense to build a garden, develop soil, order seeds, plant them, then wait 5 months to harvest a crop that can be purchased for .25/lb. at the local market?
In what instance does it make sense for a homesteader to fall in love with the twin lambs that she helped birth – the lambs that she's fed and tended to every day of their lives – before harvesting them for winter food?
Strange, isn't it.
Sorry to get all reflective and funky on ya, but it tends to happen whenever I lose an animal. I take a step back – I reflect – I question what I'm doing with my life, and then I move on.
In happier farm news, Ginny is due to have her piglets any day. She's so large, it's almost painful to watch her waddle around the pasture. Don't tell Hermoine this, but Ginny is my favorite. She such an affectionate pig. If she wasn't four hundred pounds, you'd almost mistake her for a puppy. I'm very much looking forward to welcoming new life on the farm, even though we're just now heading into winter.
Both gilts should farrow before the end of the year.
I'll be beginning to hatch chicks this weekend.
Cece *should* be bred and due to calve in June.
Rosie, Eleanor, Noel, and Gwen are all bred and should lamb in the late winter/early spring.
Life is coming! And yet it's also going…
With Lochy. With the five lambs due to be butchered in the next few weeks. With the 14 rabbits that will soon meet their same fate.
I don't understand it. I can't. I can't even pretend to. All I can do is show up each morning with an espresso in my hand and a dream in my heart to make this life beautiful. With good food. With healthy relationships. With flower gardens. With an appreciate for that paper thin veil that separates life and death.
I am more aware of that veil than I'd hoped.
But I suppose, at the end of it all, that's a very good thing.
And Amen.
Nicole @Little Blog on the Homestead
Oh no š poor Lochy! Going to give my Guinness an extra hug tonight! You can’t experience the good in life without the bad. Because without the bad you can really know how awesome and amazing and beautiful the good can be!
Linda
I am sorry, my heart breaks with yours.
Lovhy is blessed to be able to have room to run.
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Ruth
So very sorry. Hugs to you.
Steve
After living a very full and so far (knock on wood) long life (I will be 65 wed) I have seen so many lives come and go, both people and animals. I have come to this conclusion. If you study the properties of matter in all the universe, there is one constant that stands out. That is that everything consists of both a positive and negative energy. One cannot exist without the other. Therefore IMO we cannot envelope ourselves in all the joys that God has blessed us with without also partaking of many great sorrows. If there were no negatives, we would not understand or truly appreciate the true value of the positives. Live big, Love big, Cry hard, and in the end you will be able to say “I have truly lived”.
Jaclyn Krueger
Nicole is right -it is the agony that brings and allows us to feel the esquiste ecstasies
Terri
I’m sorry to read about your loss. About 10 days ago, a pit attacked our goat herd and we lost a lot. As in, my very best pet friend and six of her herd mates. All others required vet treatment. It’s hard every single time something like this happens. It seems a constant prayer for understanding. Two days later, our most critical concern kidded a big, beautiful, healthy buckling and his mama has been up and healthy ever since….and life goes on. So it will with you as well. Enjoy your new puppy when the time comes!
dani
Death is the hardest part of homesteading for sure. Sorry about your pup!
simca
So bitterly true. I can not even imagine my life without our catahoulas. Leo, my oldest/ youngest child is absolutely the best, most loving, protecting and obedient dog we have ever had the pleasure of owning. I feel with you Shaye. Warm hugs from Florida.
Sarah
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Stacie miles
We have lost two dogs in October 2015 and 0ctober 2016. The first was our two year old lab husky who got out out of our gate and got killed on my sons birthday in front of us. The second was due to old age but came very suddenly. We try and prepare our children for death. It is very hard work. Praying for your kids and you.
Sabrina
Never underestimate how much our hearts can expand to love more…and how human beings are eternally optimistic. Thank God he made us the this way. The endless ability to have a future and a hope….
gia
Amen
Jeanine
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost a pet in the same way, and it’s definitely one of the hardest things to go through. Praying today for your hearts to heal and for the right puppy to come into your life to help.
Joy
So sorry for your loss! We lost our first puppy a couple of years ago when her kidneys failed. Later that year our son passed away too. It is a difficult world in which we live but we have Everlasting Hope in Him! Just take it one day at a time and when you remember the pain and the hurt and the love lost, remember too that He is good.
Sarah
I am so sorry or your loss. It is definitely the worst part of homesteading. It actually makes me think I will loose my mind and it doesn’t get any easier. I struggle with blame each time I loose an animal. My hubby kindly reminded me though “you think this only happens here? It is part of farming whether others talk about it or not. We aren’t the only ones to loose stuff” I have to remind myself that all the time. It is good you are honest about it. Your honesty is encouraging to me. Chin up. You are doing a wonderful job
Janet
So sorry about your dog. Have you considered a great pyreneese? We have 2, and have never seen a cyote, but all our neighbors see them.
Do you know about this? http://www.biotracking.com/
You can easily check you cow for pregnancy. There’s are youtube videos on how to draw the blood, super easy. We just 10 cows last week. Wayyyyy cheaper than a vet check.
Miss Kitty
Keep some beer on hand for the piglet birthing. If the sow turns nasty, it’s the best thing to quiet her down enough to accept the piglets and stop turning on them. You can’t predict which pigs are going to do this, sometimes it’s the nicest natured ones. Better to be prepared and ready – but I’m sure you already are!
Elizabeth
Yup. Our experience too. Bread soaked in beer. She will welcome the food treat during and after labor and the beer will help calm her if the birthing was hard or scary for her. Pigs are funny. The birthing event is not always “natural” for them. Sometimes the piglets are frightening and the gilts react aggressively, you know~ “what’s-that-thing-coming-out-of-me-and-why-does-it-hurt-so-much”. (Of course, I felt the same way when I had my babies. A nice cold one would have been met with open arms after delivery here too) š
May
Very touching post. I’m so sorry about your dog š But I must say that your photography is lovely!!
isobial l jackson
Can totally relate, have had many moments of “what the hang are we doing this for!” same discussions you’ve probably had in your head with God too. But we keep going, celebrating the good, enjoying the ordinary and fighting through the hardships.
Keep on keeping on guys!
This is real life and the highs and lows are real living.
God Bless and big hugs xo
Tara Howard
This is the part I fear most about my homesteading dreams….THANK you for sharing your inner-most thoughts. I am so sorry for all your losses (my son’s name is Lochlan, but we only ever refer to him as Lochie!) but know that you give each and every animal a wonderful home no matter how long they live — and, that indeed IS something beautiful. ????
Aimee
Ugh that is terrible. I’m so sorry! There’s something especially sad when the animal enters pet status and leaves us. I love my chickens but have never felt so sad about them dying as one little silkie in particular who had become my pet. We used to watch TV at night together when she was a chick and she’d fall asleep on my shoulder. She was the sweetest thing. I cried for several days when another chicken pecked her to death. That love doesn’t even compare to how distraught I’d be if my dog died. Hang in there.
Mary Beth Elderton
Yes, Honey, homesteaders are just weird people. And I thank you. You taught me how to make whole wheat bread from flour I grind myself–a thing I can do in my little house in a large city. Through your blog I get to live vicariously now and then outside this city and in a place close to how life is…just is. I am sorry about Lochy. Take care.
Janae
I know the feeling, our oldest dog wandered out to the road last night and was hit by a car. Worst part was that my mother in law and brother in law heard the whole thing happen :(. So sorry for your loss.
Pam
Beautiful blog. I am so sorry for your losses. I too, am a glutton for punishment. Hugs.
LP in AK
“Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.”
Don’t you think that death, when viewed through the lens of an abundant life, only increases our love of life? Cute babies are cuter, old friends more precious.
And in the end, the gift that God promises: eternal life!.. an end to all pain, no tears, PEACE….. and justice too. I see comfort in your perspective – you understand. You’re a special woman. Keep looking up.
Peggy Gray
My beloved border collie was hit by a car and died this summer. The person who hit her was not nice enough to stop and tell me. I had to find her myself laying in the ditch by my house. I’ve never grieved a dog before like I grieved for her. She and I just got each other and had a special relationship. But I did get a puppy soon after and the puppy has made the loss much easier to bear.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you get a puppy real soon that will ease the pain you are feeling. I know what you mean about losing animals on the farm. It’s so terribly hard but seems to be a part of farm life. Thank goodness there is life to be born also.i’ll be praying for you.
kelliott
Losing your pets is heartbreaking. I have been struggling with losses myself, but even moreso, struggling to help my daughter grapple with it. She is vowing to be vegetarian. I don’t blame her.
Blessings
Amy
Totally agree!!! We have had to put down a pig a couple of weeks ago because he kept escaping. He had been the runt of our last litter and so we had gotten very attached to him. As had my dear MIL. Who told us (despite us explaining that we had tried everything to keep him in and he was going to start convincing the rest of our herd to escape as well) that there was just something really wrong with us if we were able to do such a thing. Which, makes you feel like a sociopath if not for the tears that were shed and the mourning for days after. It is def not a life for wimps! So, sorry for your loss!
Karin
Our K-9 companions are the heart and soul of our families. Loyal, unconditional, loving protectors. With tears streaming down my cheeks reading your breautiful missive about love and loss I’m reminded of a saying that has helped me through similar experiences, “Ong Namo Guru Dev Namo ~ May The long time sun shine upon you, all love surround you, and the pure light within you guide your way on.”
Tracey kelly
“I donāt understand how God could have created such a horribleā¦ and beautifulā¦ and painfulā¦ and joyfulā¦ and awesomeā¦ and excruciating existence all in the same. ”
And what was Stuart’s reply?
Cathy
I am so sorry…losing any animal is so sad..thanks for sharing with us! Hugs
Leonora Bradley
I am not good with words, but wanted you and your family to know that you matter. Your cookbook is opened up just about every day at my house. I actually think you have helped us here to be stronger and healthier and more aware of how precious the food cycle really is.
Sending a part of my heart to you for the memory of your dog. I have two manchester terriers. I don’t usually write to folks –just had to in this case
leana
thanks so much for sharing these sad yet so often we have to bear experiences, reality of life. yes I agree its better to have loved than not at all. animals become so close to our family and hearts, like our children. keep up the blogging, its really comforting knowing people like yourself.
Katie
I am so sorry for your loss! Being a dog person myself, my heart truly aches for you!!!
I am wondering if you will share with us about your rabbit setup? I have meat rabbits too, and I am just wondering how you have yours set up.
Doug at Arid Acres
So sorry Shaye. I just experienced a terrible loss on my homestead today. Apparently a family of hawks got tired of waiting for my hens to free range and they ripped apart the seam of the chicken wire covering the run and I found half my flock lifeless in the run. I had hand-raised these girls from day old chicks. I feel terrible and like a failure for allowing this to happen to my girls. I will rebuild and the feeling of loss will subside eventually. Unfortunately, death is part of this lifestyle and whether intentional or accidental dealing with death on the homestead is hard. Prayers for you and your family.
Kathryn Miller
In all of this joy and pain…you have been allowed to see and feel what our heavenly father feels as he looks at us… His beloved creations.
Yes we must experience it, feel it, and continue…. loving, investing our lives and being vulnerable to the pain it can all bring.
Revel in the JOY when it comes unexpectedly.
Rest in the PEACE when it quietly surrounds you.
and LOVE without reserve, even when you know it may hurt.
Your older sister in faith.
K. Miller
Shannon Smith
I’m sorry for your loss! I have had a tough enough time letting a dog go that lived well past when it should have. I can’t even imagine losing one like that. I love your blog and the fact that you share the good and the bad with your readers. I hope to continue to read great posts!
K
This post really speaks to me. I am so sorry for your loss. My family and I have been doing the small farming / homesteading thing for going on 2 years. We have lost several of our animals in this time (goats, sheep, numerous birds, even one of our dogs who got run over on the farm accidentally when she was sleeping under a tractor) and it hits me so hard every single time. I question whether this lifestyle is worth it, whether I should continue, and what I should or could have done to prevent the death. Thank you for sharing – while I am not happy to see that you go through this too, I am comforted to see that I am not alone.
Elaine VanVleck
I just wandered across this post on your site. I’m so sorry for your loss. As a farm girl born and raised I get asked repeatedly if losing animals whether it’s to predators, the highway, or to eat if that gets easier. I don’t think it does. I know in my heart that I’ve given the animals the best life possible. They’ve been fed well, take care of and loved, but in the end some of them are food either for me or in the circle of life. I’ve never known any other life than a farm life, but it’s still hard each season. We just slaughtered our beef for this year. I still grab a bucket to feed them during chore time and then realize they aren’t out there to be fed. We are weaning calves now and will have our next batch soon and the process will start over as it has for years.
I just thought I would leave a comment that I related to this post. I love getting to live this farm life. I love that I have meat to eat, eggs, and vegetables all produced on our little farm. But the process of getting those things isn’t always easy.