By Stuart
“A safe fairy-land is untrue to all worlds” -J.R.R. Tolkien
Mention homeschooling in conversation and you will inevitably get a variety of responses ranging from general suspicion to out right silence behind a look which reads, “Get me away from these crazy people as soon as possible.” One of the consistent criticisms aimed at the homeschooling community is that they are sheltering their children and raising them to be socially inept. “You aren’t preparing them for the real world,” the argument will most likely turn to. Upfront I think it is important to recognize that this really means that homeschooling parents aren’t preparing their children for a certain version of the real world. And to this I say a hearty, “Amen!” Not only do I have no interest in ‘educating’ my children to be assimilated into a certain version of the real world, I am actively and intentionally educating my children to adjust their entire being toward a different version of the real world. Through their imaginations, their intellect and their loves I am offering a rival story in which they are characters, which will in the end form them to be (i.e. have their being) a certain way in the world throughout their lives. That is of course what all education is doing whether we recognize it or not.
With this in mind I think it is important to ask ourselves if we really are adjusting our children’s being to what is real in the education we are providing at home. I think that if we have chosen the path of homeschooling primarily to keep them safe from “the darkness out there” then we are motivated out of fear. I would caution us to recognize that this is not a healthy fear but one that will undermine the very adjustment to what is real that you are attempting to cultivate their hearts and minds in. True education does not dismiss the darkness it deals with it.
It is a constant hang-up for parents when they encounter what Tolkien called “The presence of the terrible,” in literature. But Chesterton was right:
Fairy tales, then, are not responsible
for producing in children fear, or any of the shapes of fear;
fairy tales do not give the child the idea of the evil or the ugly;
that is in the child already, because it is in the world already.
Fairy tales do not give the child his first idea of bogey.
What fairy tales give the child is his first clear idea
of the possible defeat of bogey. The baby has known
the dragon intimately ever since he had an imagination.
What the fairy tale provides for him is a St. George to
kill the dragon.
Part of what we must do in adjusting our children to reality is deal with the dark because it is a part of what is real and it is a part of our children already. It’s already in their imaginations. Every child knows that a nightlight will make the hours of darkness just the right amount of bearable to finally close their eyes in sleep. Every kid knows that when their light switch is too far away from their bed they must run and jump several feet before the edge of their bed to land in safety from whatever lies in the darkness beneath. And every parent knows it does no good to tell them there is nothing there. The monster lives in their imagination because monsters live. And that shouldn’t scare us. Let Tolkien impart some wisdom on us, “On callow, lumpish and selfish youth, peril, sorrow and the shadow of death can bestow dignity and even wisdom.”
I ran across some interesting research having to do with people who had been adjusted during their most formative years in ‘darkness’. Subject to abuse, forced to take drugs, unloved, and uncared for. My father-in-law is a juvenile probations officer. He tells me stories sometimes of the kinds of things his kids have done, but then he is quick to add the kind of life they are subjected to. It is nothing short of living in darkness, which is of course very formative on children and how they come to ‘be’ in the world. Many of these kids will continue to walk in darkness, but some will find a way out. The research suggests that those who do find a way out and come to a more well adjusted life are the ones who are able to make sense out of their dark experience within the context of a larger story. In other words they were given a story (a certain version of reality) that allows them to deal with the dark.
I fear that in our attempts to keep our children safe we will not adequately deal with the dark. They know, as Tolkien has said, “A safe fairy-land is untrue to all worlds.”
Elizabeth
A- MEN!
Sarah
As a former teacher and mom to one two-year-old, I find myself thinking about homeschooling (or not homeschooling) a lot. Preschooling is being pushed earlier and earlier in my area, where parents enroll their kids as three year olds with a certain future college in mind. This article really makes some excellent points. Three cheers for Tolkien, and Chesterton almost any time, in my book. 🙂 You seem to be advocating homeschooling at the beginning, but not as a way to sort of protect your child from ‘the darkness’. How (and when) do you expose your kids to disappointment of sin in the world? Do you just encounter it in daily life with them, and address it as it comes? I think about the reality of porn, tech addiction, child abuse, violence, racism, materialism, broken homes, poverty, drugs/alcoholism etc. which in daily life my daughter just doesn’t run into. I will have to plan ?? to introduce her to these dark things so that she is taught how to deal with them as a young Christian. Of course we want to keep our children safe, and arm them effectively, but there the article seems to stop short. How do you advocate exposing them to and teaching them to deal with sin/darkness (aside from being in the Word) in terms of facilitated real life experiences?
Brittany
Great post! Looking forward to “Part 2”!
Stacie
Great post! I agree that we must “deal with the dark.” But I also believe that the dark can be postponed until children reach an age that they are so formed in their faith, family and security that they will be able to recognize it for what it is and make an educated choice of fight or flight. I fear that some children (me, as a child, for one) are exposed to dark during formative years and without the tools to fight or fully formed knowledge of good and evil, it was easy to be swept away in it all. Teach intentional living and discernment, the true, good and the beautiful first……….then deal with the darkness.
SFE
Hey Stacie,
I think I see what you are saying and agree that dealing with the dark with our children will take discernment and wisdom. We need to be sensitive to where they are developmentally and as individual personalities and deal with the dark in appropriate ways. But if Chesterton is correct then the dark is not something that can be postponed till later. That would be asking our kids to deal with it on their own. In part two I will try to talk about good ways to deal with the dark even with our littles.
Caroline
So true.
Jeanine
Wow, great post, which I’m sure I will be pondering for awhile – can’t wait to read part II! My son encountered “darkness” when he went to middle school, and that’s when I took him out to homeschool him. He just wasn’t equipped to handle the bullying and pure meanness there, and I could see the light going out of his eyes. I believe that he wouldn’t be the man he is today if I had left him there. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Kati
Hello Jeanine. My son is in 5th grade in the public school system. I have two children who are thriving in public school and I would never dream of taking them out, but I have been contemplating homeschooling my son for the past three years. He has been diagnosed with Asperger’s, ADHD, ODD and Generalized Anxiety which fuels frequent struggles to meet the executive functioning and social demands of public school. He is more explosive and angry than he has ever been. My question to you is this. How did you know pulling your son from public school was the best decision for him? I am surrounded by homeschool haters and feel immense pressure not to make the wrong decision for fear I will ruin his chances of being a smart productive human being. I appreciate any incite you (or anyone else) can offer. Thank you!
Linda
Hi Katie, I come from a very different perspective as my son is always homeschooled ( I have two other children too ). The son I am writing about is 9 and has ADHD, Tourettes and OCD, so similar but different to your son. We’ve had many many years of hard graft with this young one, but we’re now seeing him blossom! Finally he is able to deal more with compulsions and impulsiveness ( they are still there! ) and were seeing him really emerge as this amazing being! He loves to build things, his intelligence is huge, and has actually been supported by homeschooling ( for what it’s worth we unschool ). His skills in building, making and design are well ahead of any kid his age, he is able to work at such a fast pace. I have no doubt he will go on to FLY as an adult as his sense of self has never been impacted by a system that has told him he is broken as so many ADHD etc kids are.
For what it’s worth, my other two kids are on the spectrum, my eldest has a severe anxiety disorder too. Pretty sure school would have killed the eldest literally. Her development is lagging in many areas, but she is HAPPY! School would not have given her the tools to be smart or productive. At home we can help with that, if not the smart, very much so the productive as we can continue to work on real life skills she will need to navigate life as she grows.
The good thing about homeschooling is that it’s not a forever decision. Nor is schooling. Stop listening to the haters and look to your son and see where he could go if he was allowed to explore being all his amazing self can be….if he was allowed to follow his interests and passions as much as his heart desired ( and I’m not talking video games lol! ). Good luck with your journey xxx
sarah
Well said!
Cori
When you say darkness are you referring to sin? I feel odd using fairy tales to teach children right from wrong and good from evil, this is why God gave us the bible.
Young children don’t sin, they act out of the flesh, their bodily needs. And also how they are trained to act. This is why the doctrine of sinful nature is incorrect. If sinful nature were true then nobody would ever be able to do good without being saved and we know that this is not true. Someone could outright deny the gospel yet know that it is wrong to murder someone and sustain from doing so. This is a link to my favorite speaker explaining this with scripture and all.
http://nogreaterjoy.org/video/michael-pearl-nature-of-the-child-shindig-2013/
SFE
Those are good and important questions, Cori. When referring to darkness there is a sense in which most people probably have a gut level understanding of what that is whether they are coming at it from a Christian worldview or not. If I had to define it I would say it includes our own sin but also the effects of sin we see on the world.
I would also say that, referring to your other question about the use of fairytales or other good stories to help form categories for our children to deal with the dark (among other things), the Bible does not need to be the only source we look to as Christians but it should be our ultimate source. I think I would appeal to the long and rich tradition throughout church history of the use of stories (Pilgrims Progress for example) to do just that. Within the text of scripture we also see the use of stories to help illustrate important truths (think Nathan and David or Jesus’ parables). But more importantly there is no prohibition found in scripture against such things which indicates that we are expected to use wisdom and discernment in exercising our freedom there.
As to the sin nature question, I think we do have different ways of understanding that. If you are interested in fleshing that out more feel free to email me. I’m not trying to be dismissive I just think big discussions like that happen best outside of the comments thread.
Allison
This is very deeply true. Thank you.
jennifer lawrence
This is a wonderful perspective! I love it, can’t wait to read part 2!
Lisa
As a homeschooling mom who has now graduated both of her children, I want to speak from my and my husbands thoughts on “the dark”. The world is very real and too often very scary. Our beliefs are that parents are to appropriately protect their children giving them time to mature to be able to handle what’s in the world.
I was a public schooled child from a dysfunctional family that was exposed to alcoholism, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in my immediate and extended family. I was also bullied at school. This was during the late 1960’s through the 1970’s. I had definitely seen the dark and I had done so at a very young age.
What I wanted for my children was a parental filter. I knew that my children would eventually be exposed to the dark that’s out there. Probably my son’s first view of this was September 11 and the terrorist attacks on the United States. He was 7 days short of being 5 years old. From that point and through his homeschool, high school graduation he experienced plenty but my husband and I would either filter what we determined he wasn’t ready for or we debriefed and discussed with him what went on.
My daughter was adopted at 3 months short of being 13 years old. She was adopted from China. She had also seen plenty of the dark and a very different version than my son. She was homeschooled with us from her adoption to her graduation.
The main point both my husband and I thought of during our homeschooling years was that it was us that determined at what time was best for our children to experience some things and to be the ones that determined the explanations, comfort, help, etc. that was needed with the things that they were exposed to because they still lived in this world.
My son had no problems adjusting to college and is comfortable with both his peers and with his superiors. My daughter is a new graduate but, especially considering she’s only been a part of our family for 6 1/2 years, is doing quite well.
No offense is intended to anyone. This is just what worked best for us and what my husband and I determined was the way we were being led for our family.
ann
Thanks so much for this post!!! It made me think!! I think there is lots of kinds of dark…the dark of fear of natural events and loved ones being gone temporarily and being sick. There is the dark of death, even of a pet. There is the dark of someone being mean and hurting you, even if it was an accident. I am with you in that we have to let children see there is a way to deal with the dark, even when it seems a small dark, such as the fear of the dark or monsters under the bed. For as you said, dark does grow bigger as we grow bigger and dealing with small darks can give children tools to deal with bigger and more real darks.