I'm totally terrified of being a mother again.

I'm totally terrified of being a mother again.

There, I said it.

Change is always hard - especially for a tend-to-be-tightly-wound-and-like-things-to-go-according-to-plan kind of person like myself.

Am I worried about loving this little one and snuggling it until it can't possibly be snuggled any more? Of course not. Lawd knows I love my babies and I truly believe that each one is a blessing from the Lord. But still. Going for it again is a bit... nerve wracking.

For starters, my births have been anything but the beautiful, organic, down-to-earth experience that some mothers are blessed with. Mine have been risky, mechanical, and left me in much need of a serious recovery time (part two HERE).

I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm one of those woman who is pretty terrified of child birth. I don't handle pain well, I'm very uncomfortable in hospital settings, and I'm naturally unsettled sharing my business down "there" with anyone but my husband.

The third go round, one knows what she's in for.

I've had my first poop post giving birth and knows exactly what that involves.

I've torn out an interior septum and know the pain of recovering from the stitching.

I've passed out post-labor from blood loss and scared the death out of my husband.

I've pooped on a table in horrible lighting (as if there's good lighting for pooping on a table).

I've vomited in pain.

I've experienced the uncertainty and fear of being awake while a baby is pulled from my uterus via cesarian.

I've had catheters. And IVs. And fetal monitoring. And everything in between.

I know what's coming. And excited as I am to meet little Sprout, I'm surely not anticipating a romantic scene during delivery. For me and my funky reproductive system, it's just not in the cards. Oh - and should I mention that besides setting up a bassinet in Owen's room I haven't nothing else ready for this little one? Not. A. Thing. Oh well. Is that the way it goes with the third one? Throw a few diapers into your purse, along with a white onesie (after all, gender is still a mystery!), and head there when the time is right?

There's much less pomp and circumstance this go round. NOT that this baby isn't as important as the others - but as a seasoned Mom, I'm less inclined to color coordinate my diaper bag with my freshly painted nursery walls (that ain't happenin'). Frankly, this go round, I'm not even counting down my time left.

It's more of a panic, really.

"How many tomatoes can I get harvested and canned before delivery?!"

"Who's going to milk our cow if we're delivering at milking time?!"

"Will we have time to butcher the meat chickens before this all happens?!"

"Will be be able to have another successful VBAC? What if I have to recover from a c-section again?!"

And naturally, there's always the other two children to consider. What will they think of Sprout? If their love for my newly birthed nephew is any indication, we're do for some rough love. Smothering love. Aggressive love. It may be slightly hazardous.

Soon, all sorts of my body parts will be leaking a variety of fluid. Support bras will be required, as will pads and soothing salves. Soon, I'll be getting up in the middle of the night for feedings - kissing my sweet, uninterrupted 8 hours goodbye for a good portion of time. Soon, I'll be packing a wee little one down with me on my back to milk in the mornings. And soon, I'll be thinking of things like pooping and making love with an entirely new sense of precaution.

Sorry. Too much information? What can I say, it's the truth. 

I am over the moon excited to meet Sprout and welcome him/her into our family. I can't wait to kiss those sweet, soft cheeks and nuzzle that neck. I want to count fingers and toes. I want to hold and love and adore this miracle! And I can't wait to breastfeed again - I AM one of those Mamas who loves that.

So I'll cling to those desires and hopes. I'll cling to a peace that the Good Lord has given me and hold onto His promises. Even though He has "greatly increased our pain in childbirth" I'll forge ahead into the battle - because at this point, frankly, I've got no other choice. Even if I don't enjoy the childbirth part of it all, I do love being a Mom. And I love that we've been blessed with another little family member.

Even if I'm slightly terrified at the same time.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

And Amen.