An Unplanned Cesarean.
I'm only a few weeks away from having my third baby since starting this blog (way back when I didn't have any fine lines surrounding my eyes). Wow. I can't believe so many of you have been on this journey with me for so long.As super-pregnant, hormonal woman normally do, I've been thinking a lot about the new baby and what that will mean for our family over these past few days. Especially as carrying the baby becomes ever more difficult and painful. One starts to think of nicer things, like baby's life outside the womb, when one is getting nerve pain shot down the leg sporadically throughout the day.Deep in the woes of this emotional roller coaster, I found myself praying over and over.Lord, help me to trust you with this.Lord, help this to go exactly as you see fit.Lord, help me to approach this birth without fear.Lord, help me to be at peace with whatever comes.
As we've learned in both of our births, nothing goes quite to plan. At least for this slightly deformed/slightly unique Mama. But so it goes.Yesterday, I sat in a small room with my Doctor, along with a medical student. My Doctor was having me explain my situation to the medical student, who was hanging on to the words like he'd never heard anything quite like it. And frankly, he probably hasn't. You see, our first child was breech and even though we'd seen a midwife through our prenatal care, her birth resulted in a cesarean section despite all our desperate attempts to flip her. Our second child was positioned correctly and we were able to have a successful vaginal, although very 'medical', birth. But both those babies were in the right uterus.This baby is in the left uterus.Yes, I have two (you can read more about that here).So this uterus has never been pregnant. It's never seen a cesarean section or a natural labor. This is what they call an "untried" uterus. And thus, our attempt at a vaginal birth after cesarean section for our third baby was ACTUALLY just a regular vaginal birth.A non-VBAC-VBAC is what my Doctor referred to it as.Yes, I'd had a cesarean. But not in this uterus.You can see how complicated this can get medically to decipher. Even though we'd attempted to see a midwife for this pregnancy, we were quickly sent to an OB because there simply was NO medical documentation on any cases like this. It's a bit hairy.Anyway.Our OB has been very supportive and encouraging through this pregnancy - eager to help us have a successful non-VBAC-VBAC. Unfortunately, much to all our disappointment, we found out yesterday that baby was breech. Another. Breech. No wonder I've been feeling that giant lump up in my ribs all these weeks - there's a big 'ol head up there. And so here we are. Scheduled for a unplanned cesarean section. Instead of a 'non-VBAC-VBAC', I am now my Doctor's first 'Primary Secondary Cesarean' - the first for this uterus, but second for me. Based on my left uterus' size and fluid levels, the chances of baby flipping are slim-to-none. I've got to accept this is the dealt hand. After my two hour tantrum in which I cried and threw a little pity party for myself whining to Stuart about recovery time and catheters and all that jazz, I realized what a turd I was being. Shaye, stop being a turd. Get over yourself.I promised myself that if I ever went through this again after Georgia's birth, I would remember a few very important lessons. Ahem. They are as follows:
Shaye's Rules For Herself For An Unplanned Cesarean
1. Carrying a healthy child to term is a huge accomplishment.
Especially with my condition, in which pre-term labor is of very high risk. Here we are at 37 weeks and we're doing great. That, in and of itself, is more than I could hope for.
2. I am not validated by how I give birth.
I am a sinner, saved by grace, and redeemed by the blood of Christ. My validation is found in Him and Him alone. It is not found in my works as a wife, blogger, mother, or... birth(er). My works in the birthing room do not make me righteous or unrighteous. They do not add or take away from my sanctification or my salvation. They are an earthy experience with no eternal value. Let's gain some perspective here.
3. I need to trust in God and not rely on my finite understanding.
Hey Shaye, remember when the Lord said to trust him in all things? That he is working for good in the lives of those whom he loves? That he will deliver you? That he will care for you? That he will provide you with what you need? That he will calm your anxiousness? That he will be faithful in all things at all times?Do you trust him to do those things? Then trust him with this. Though my mind mourns for the cesarean scar that will be opened once again for this little one (those incisions hurt, man), I can already say that I've accepted the Lord's path for this situation. Frankly, this isn't about me. And it's not about the baby. It's about the Lord's perfect plan for this situation.Even though I did have a small pity party earlier (let's blame it on the hormones, shall we?), my prayer is that the Lord would be glorified through this cesarean section and birth however possible. My prayer is that I would be driven to my knees to honor and love him. My prayer is that through disappointment and fear, I would remain faithful in loving and trusting a gracious God who is ever faithful to provide his children with what they need. Who knows best how this birth should happen? Me? Surely not. I've yet to meet my third child and yet, my the Lord already knows the baby's heartbeat - it's name - it's every hope and dream - it's entire life story. The Lord has wonderfully created this human being, from every hair on it's head to it's (most likely) hobbit shaped feet. This child is the Lords. And it's His choice exactly how this birth will blossom.So I'm packing away the spinning babies techniques. And I'm packing up the violin that played me my pity party music all afternoon. Instead, I'm packing around the promises of God which hold true yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And Amen.