Regret.
It was a small instance that triggered my emotions this morning. As I drove up the road to my friend Lauren's house to drop the kids off for a few hours (as I've done a dozen times), my view caught the street sign - 'Dana'.If one were to drive down Dana, then take a quick left on Jefferson, they'd quickly find themselves at my high-school boyfriend's house. I spent many an hour there with him and his family, year after year. We were high-school sweethearts and dated for much of my teenage (and even part of my college) years. My mind instantly began reeling - thoughts, smells, teenage emotions, breakups. This triggered a thousand thoughts of high school... of college... of my college boyfriend... of my life for the first few years after college... of time before I really lived the Christian faith I had professed to believe for years. That one street sign triggered regret. Triggered a feeling of weight. A feeling of shame.The emotions began to continually snowball until I felt suffocated. I never want to travel back down those roads... down roads where words that shouldn't have been said and actions that shouldn't have been taken exist. Naturally, we all have these kind of memories. After all, we're not born mature. We're born sinful. And it doesn't take long for that sin to erupt in our life.
As I finished my drive to Lauren's, my eyes welled with tears. ...how could I?...why would I?...it was too much.And then I remembered. I remembered that even now, in Heaven, there is a perfect man pleading my case. Saying "Yes, my Father, she has sinned gravely. She has lied, cheated, stolen, spoken blasphemy, failed to trust you, to follow you, to love her neighbor, to pray for the weak and lowly. She has committed all these sins and more. Please, Father, accept my righteousness on her behalf. Don't hold these sins against her. Free her of them for my sake. I have lived righteously for her. I have not sinned so that my pureness can be counted towards her. Blot out her transgressions. Allow me to sacrifice my life on her behalf."OH THE JOY! To know that my life doesn't need to be perfect - neither do my actions - to be loved by a Holy God is such great news! There is nothing in this world that I am more thankful for. Immediately, the weight and heaviness I had been feeling subsided. The tears drained from the corners of my eyes. I have been saved. I have been SAVED! Free from the weight of my sins - they are no longer.And while their memory continues to serve me through this life (much like touching a flame reminds one to not flirt with fire again), I am ever thankful that their memory is just that - a distant memory. The reality of my sins no longer exist - they have been wiped from my heart by Christ.There are no words to express my thanks to him. ...deep breath...May I always remember that sin doesn't win. Christ does. And Amen.