Time on my knees.
1 Kings 8:56 Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses.
You know those moments where you're like...
"Dang...how's a girl gunna survive this?!
Well, my friends...I'm having one of those moments. And because you are my captive, digital audience - I feel it only right to share my overflowing emotions with you. You're welcome.
When I met Stuart four and a half years ago, he was a soon-to-be-college student who had just gotten back from backpacking around in Europe with his best friend, Alex. Stuart was set to start school in Mississippi, but after I told him that if he left to go back to the south I would surely die, he decided to enroll in a local community college instead. Two years, a marriage, and a pregnancy later, Stuart finished his A.A. Degree. And even though he had to take the class load slow so we could afford to pay for tuition, he finished. Whoop whoop!
Flash forward another two years...and here we are in his senior year at a University. In a mere six months, Stuart will be an official college graduate. Trust me - if you've ever gone through college while working, married, and with a baby - you can understand the sheer overload of excitement Stuart and I are feeling at this moment. Getting him through school has been a struggle. There are work schedules to think about. And expensive books. And student loans. And homework. And projects. And tests. And papers. And stupid, bloody book reports.
And did I mention a baby to care for?!
Luckily, we serve a loving and faithful God. We are not alone, nor have we been for even a micro-second of this college journey. The Lord has been very faithful in providing us both with jobs that are flexible to the ever-changing schedule of classes. He has provided us with us with the ability for Stuart to attend a University without us having to move or commute. He has provided us with the financial means to meet our financial obligations each month - and more. As I sit here and think about the ways in which the Lord has blessed us, I am truly overwhelmed at all the goodness that he has sent our way. Our family, friends, and church community have encouraged us, prayed for us, and helped us in so many ways along this journey. I could, literally, spend the rest of my life counting our blessings.
Deuteronomy 32:4 He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.
God is so, SO good.
But at the moment, I am in one of those emotional situations that we all get to in life. The "what's-next-for-us" situation. The "I-have-no-idea-what-we'll-be-doing-for-work" situation. The "once-college-stops-so-does-student-aid" situation. The "this-is-the-worst-economy-to-become-a-teacher-in" situation.
What will we do?
The Lord promises to provide for us. And I know He will - he always has when we've faced these situations before (and yes, we have faced them before). He has consistently proven himself faithful to us, over and over and over and over.
So why do I still fear what's to come?
Why am I afraid that Stuart won't be able to find a teaching job? Why am I afraid that we may have to relocate to Lord-knows-where? Why am I afraid that we'll have to move from our home? Why am I afraid that we won't be provided for - or at least, in the way I want to be provided for? Why am I practically paralyzed with fear that we're going to become broke and homeless? (Okay, fine, that last one was a tad dramatic).
Deuteronomy 4:31 For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your forefathers, which he confirmed to them by oath.
But seriously - I'll tell you why I fear. Because I am a dirty, filthy sinner that is incapable of consistently and faithfully trusting in God. I fail to trust in His promises. I fail to lean on Him for my understanding. I fail to seek Him first and I fail to ask him to work openly and boldy in my life.
Maybe it's the Lord's will that Stuart won't get a teaching job next year. Maybe it's the Lord's will that we will have to relocate to the Czech Republic to teach English. (I have no idea where that came from). Maybe it's the Lord's will that we will be torn from our comforts and broken down. Maybe He will use this situation to teach us and stretch us and grow us and build us in our faith. I suppose one never does quite know...
I'll tell you one thing I know though. This girl needs to spend some serious time on her knees in prayer.
Isaiah 54:10
Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.