I'm totally terrified of being a mother again.
There, I said it.
Change is always hard – especially for a tend-to-be-tightly-wound-and-like-things-to-go-according-to-plan kind of person like myself.
Am I worried about loving this little one and snuggling it until it can't possibly be snuggled any more? Of course not. Lawd knows I love my babies and I truly believe that each one is a blessing from the Lord. But still. Going for it again is a bit… nerve wracking.
For starters, my births have been anything but the beautiful, organic, down-to-earth experience that some mothers are blessed with. Mine have been risky, mechanical, and left me in much need of a serious recovery time (part two HERE).
I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm one of those woman who is pretty terrified of child birth. I don't handle pain well, I'm very uncomfortable in hospital settings, and I'm naturally unsettled sharing my business down “there” with anyone but my husband.
The third go round, one knows what she's in for.
I've had my first poop post giving birth and knows exactly what that involves.
I've torn out an interior septum and know the pain of recovering from the stitching.
I've passed out post-labor from blood loss and scared the death out of my husband.
I've pooped on a table in horrible lighting (as if there's good lighting for pooping on a table).
I've vomited in pain.
I've experienced the uncertainty and fear of being awake while a baby is pulled from my uterus via cesarian.
I've had catheters. And IVs. And fetal monitoring. And everything in between.
I know what's coming. And excited as I am to meet little Sprout, I'm surely not anticipating a romantic scene during delivery. For me and my funky reproductive system, it's just not in the cards. Oh – and should I mention that besides setting up a bassinet in Owen's room I haven't nothing else ready for this little one? Not. A. Thing. Oh well. Is that the way it goes with the third one? Throw a few diapers into your purse, along with a white onesie (after all, gender is still a mystery!), and head there when the time is right?
There's much less pomp and circumstance this go round. NOT that this baby isn't as important as the others – but as a seasoned Mom, I'm less inclined to color coordinate my diaper bag with my freshly painted nursery walls (that ain't happenin'). Frankly, this go round, I'm not even counting down my time left.
It's more of a panic, really.
“How many tomatoes can I get harvested and canned before delivery?!”
“Who's going to milk our cow if we're delivering at milking time?!”
“Will we have time to butcher the meat chickens before this all happens?!”
“Will be be able to have another successful VBAC? What if I have to recover from a c-section again?!”
And naturally, there's always the other two children to consider. What will they think of Sprout? If their love for my newly birthed nephew is any indication, we're do for some rough love. Smothering love. Aggressive love. It may be slightly hazardous.
Soon, all sorts of my body parts will be leaking a variety of fluid. Support bras will be required, as will pads and soothing salves. Soon, I'll be getting up in the middle of the night for feedings – kissing my sweet, uninterrupted 8 hours goodbye for a good portion of time. Soon, I'll be packing a wee little one down with me on my back to milk in the mornings. And soon, I'll be thinking of things like pooping and making love with an entirely new sense of precaution.
Sorry. Too much information? What can I say, it's the truth.
I am over the moon excited to meet Sprout and welcome him/her into our family. I can't wait to kiss those sweet, soft cheeks and nuzzle that neck. I want to count fingers and toes. I want to hold and love and adore this miracle! And I can't wait to breastfeed again – I AM one of those Mamas who loves that.
So I'll cling to those desires and hopes. I'll cling to a peace that the Good Lord has given me and hold onto His promises. Even though He has “greatly increased our pain in childbirth” I'll forge ahead into the battle – because at this point, frankly, I've got no other choice. Even if I don't enjoy the childbirth part of it all, I do love being a Mom. And I love that we've been blessed with another little family member.
Even if I'm slightly terrified at the same time.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
And Amen.
Shaye, I appreciate your honesty! We’re expecting our first over here and I’ll admit I feel much the same, just without your seasoned skills at mothering to back me up! The sweet reminder that Jesus always provides has really kept me going even when my emotions have screamed that I can’t. In preparation for starting our own self-sufficient homestead, I often wonder how it can all be done… all I’ve done today is started buttermilk, made more laundry soap, turned out the sourdough, and started another batch of fermented carrot sticks, and I’m exhausted! You are one tough mama and while I know you will face this with all the strength and candor that you always do, I will be praying for you as well!
Blessings!
-Arielle
I hear ya girl! I’m not preggo, but I was thinking the other night how much I DIDN’T love the pain of labor with my last kiddo… And wondering if I’ll have the guts do it again without pain killers (I’m sure I will, but it flippin’ hurts, as you know…)
But it’ll be over sooner than you think, and then you’ll get to enjoy all the wonderfulness that comes with a fresh new baby in the house. 🙂
P.S. Your list of “to-dos” before baby arrives look just like mine did last time around–I canned ‘maters the day I went into labor, was watching pig slaughtering videos during contractions, and I INSISTED we stay home and NOT go to the hospital until hubby got the cow milked that morning…
Us homesteader-gals are gluttons for punishment. 😉
Ain’t that the truth! 😉
This article has really ministered to me, as well as others on this blog.
http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2013/01/embracing-the-pain-letting-go-of-fear-in-childbirth.html
And, yes, that is most definitely how the third baby goes. It’s alright, we are different women by the time number three comes around. We are stronger and wiser with each child.
Bless you, there is grace covering your journey. God knows exactly what is coming and he loves you, so He can be trusted. Hold on to that, that is really all we have to hold on to.
Praying for you,
Sarah Jean
I left a comment on another page.
Bless you!
You’ve got this! And from experience, you should totally hire a doula. I was so inspired by how mine helped me through my pregnancy and delivery and even postpartum, that I’ve dedicated myself to become one for other moms!
I developed a horrible anxiety disorder my third trimester, despite my urge to rock an all natural birth…through a lot of guided meditation, positive people, and positive words, I did get the birth I imagined. Write in a journal, read the crap out of some birth mantras, accept yourself, and enjoy the journey your sprout takes you on…hynobabies is a great resource too…it helps see contractions as progress and communication rather than physical pain. Read my latest post on Mantras, if you like! I carried my journal full of them to the hospital! 🙂 Be blessed & good vibes…and lots of prayers sent your way!
I don’t have any kids yet, but I fear the same things you do and really love your honesty about all of this!
This is EXACTLY how I’m feeling right now. Number one was a c-section, number two was a VBAC and who knows how number three will make its appearance! I wanted a third baby and but our house certainly doesn’t look like we’re anywhere near being ready for said baby to come! We still have to merge our older kids into one room, which makes me hyperventilate just talking about it.
I’m not ready. I’m not prepared. I have no idea what I’m doing.
It’s a good thing God does.
You can do it friend. You conquer so much on a daily basis. As an L&D nurse, you’d scare the poop out of me but I know it’ll be just fine. You are a female warrior. Be proud, be confident, and by all means, embrace it…one contraction at a time. With your sweet husband right there by you. Much love and thoughts your way!
Thank you for this. I’m at that point in my first pregnancy where I’m really starting to freak out as it sinks in that I’m going to go through child birth and have a baby. Somehow it’s nice to know that even an experienced mama as yourself gets scared about it all too. 🙂
I am praying for you. Praying for strength, peace, calm, joy, and no anxiety at all. I have had one c-section, two hospital VBACs, and two homebirths. One of my hospital births came after one of my homebirths. I get the hospital anxiety. This last birth I was terrified of the pain. God saw me through it. Even brought me joy during the process. You will be covered in prayer. Much love to you and yours.
Thank you, Heather!
I’m due first week of December. Is my second birth but I also have a step daughter. My child is 11 so it’s been a long time since I have experienced pregnancy. Is basically like being pregnant for the first time. Even my mid wife said labor will be like a first time pregnancy because after 11 years is like my body has reset is self. I’m a little scared but im birthing in a birth center if all goes well.
Oh Shaye! Have mercy child:) Spoken like a true homesteader though. I love the who’s gonna milk the cow part lol. I will be praying that the 3rd time will be a piece of cake for you!
Veletta
I had these same feelings in my last pregnancy (also my third) and my midwife said there is some kind of strange funk momma’s are in the 3rd time around. She said she sees it time and again the anxiety and irrational thinking of a mom her 3rd time around. So you are totally normal (or we are all totally crazy…or both)
It will all be OK. Take a deep breath Momma. We’ve all been there. It doesn’t seem to get any easier after the first two or three does it? Now not only do you know what’s coming, but you have way more Momma things that you feel like only you can do ( well the right way anyway 😉 ) It will be a juggling act, but oh so worth it. Make a list beginning with the most important things first. That will make you feel more in control and you can see your progress. Get everything done that you can, and try not to stress about the what if’s. That’s our Heavenly Father’s job. Don’t forget to get plenty of kisses and cuddles from your sweet husband and babies. They will help you remember what’s most important.
Lady. You are so brave and powerful. Thank you for writing this post. I know I don’t have children – nor do I intend to – but I want to empathize with you and tell you how grateful I am for you and your honesty and candor. I know we can’t say much to make the process more sane and comfortable for you but we can say this…. You can do this. You’re stronger than you know (though maybe you do know) and you aren’t alone. You’ve got this.
PS. My girl friends who have had babies have had midwives and doulas and they say that the kind of support they offer is holistic and invaluable. Not sure if this is a route you are going but maybe it could ease some of the anxiety?
xo
I remember feeling the EXACT same way two years ago before I gave birth to our third daughter. I have only had C-sections, so I knew I would be having another surgery, and was not really looking forward to that. Also, I was always so tired, so I had no idea where we would find extra time to take care of a baby. And I remember how surreal it felt to visualize a fifth person in our family.
Of course now we cannot imagine life without her and are totally in love. Everything worked out and it will for you, too. I will be praying for you!
Here is another scripture that I turn to often:
“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.” 2 Corinthians 9:8
And I would say child birth is a very good work. 🙂
Thank you for your encouragement, Lisa!
Awww, your fears are normal and you are good at this so try not to worry. You got this. 🙂 And we’ll be praying for you and yours. 🙂 Hugs to you and prayers for safe delivery too.
I feel for you girl, I just delivered my baby two weeks ago today. It’s been 8 1/2 years since my last baby, and number six for us! I was scared about the pain too, I knew I was going to have a natural birth with the midwife. No turning back if you know what I mean. It hurt bad, but as soon as I held him I thought I could do this again ( not for a year or two :)) I guess that’s how man kind keeps producing 😉 the first two weeks are always hard, but it will all come together and you have a great family.
– Abby Jo @ Forgotten Way Farms
Oh boy. I feel you.
The last two babies I about had a panic attack near the end thinking “What have I done?” I have to go thru all that again??? Praise God he made it so when those first cramps kick in your fighting spirit does too! I am sorry. It sucks. It hurts so bad. I too hate hospitals which is why I do it at home but oh man. I’ve see videos where they just spit the baby out with a little grunt. NOT ME. I carry on like a banchee. Barfing. The whole nine yards.
You can do it ( of course, you know that).
But tell me more about this back pack you carry your kid in? I have a big hiking one, is that what you mean? Throwing fat-pants on my back would make things so much easier.
-Ang
Ah, little Mama… As these now grandmotherly eyes read your precious words, I remember those sweet snuggles, fingers and toes inventories, as well as the pain which quickly turns to immense joy with just one look at that new, wiggling bundle of blessing. Just look at all those “firsts” that lie ahead for each of your precious family members. How exciting and grand it will be to introduce this little Sprout to the Creator’s creations! Thank you for sharing your journey. Rest while you can in His peace, knowing that Comfort has already come.
I was cool with the third birth. Now, for our fourth birth, I’m anxious about it. I’ve heard such wonderful things about doulas so this time around I’m trying one. They’re not cheap but they sound worth it. You might can find a doula-in-training for a significantly lower price.
Here’s a bit of wisdom that I plan to use this time. It’s so simple I don’t know what it never crossed my mind. During labor contractions keep reminding yourself that each one is necessary and brining you closer to baby. Remind yourself that labor will only last a while and that it will all be over tomorrow.
Take care!
I’m expecting my second “any day now,” and I’m feeling pretty terrified myself.
I was in triage yesterday and ended up going home…I think I was most bummed because I still have to go through the labor part. I’m feeling kind of glad that you put words to some of my feelings:-).
First off I love your blog..thank you for sharing your life. Although my boys are grown I had four complicated births. I know only too well the anxiety you are feeling. I just wanted to say you and your family will be in my prayers,
I’m really sorry that you have had such hard labors and deliveries! I know labor and delivery , I had 5 children at home, with only a midwife, and my husband of course! My smallest was 8.5#. The others were 9.4,10.10,9.4 and 9.3 pounds! I have a very high tolerance for pain but that means nothing when your whole body is being taken over in pain! The only thing that got me through was my faith. I am praying that this labor will be your best one ever! And that your faith will see you through again! Be blessed my young friend, and picture in your mind a perfect and peaceful delivery. Maybe not pain free, but the angels will help you cope with the labor, and delivery, no matter what Gods plan.
honey, you are gonna be just fine 🙂 I understand your need for planning but you know as well as anyone, that baby is coming when it’s darn well good & ready & it will be when you least expect it! My three all came early… 1st at 33 weeks and 2nd & 3rd both at 37 weeks….there is almost a 15 year spread between them all too!! you will rock this delivery – you know what to expect either way!! my first I delivered after 44 hours and he (was supposed to be a ‘she’) was a whoppin’ 4lbs 15oz & 18″ , talk about terrified to have another baby, – he’ll be 16 I less than a month!!! His baby brother arrived just over 9 years later via emergency C-section, took me that long to build the courage! and their baby sister (another c-section, breech & wouldn’t turn) just turned one in June. #3 was SO much easier than the others!! I would even do it again & I do not make pregnancy look pretty 😉
Momma Shaye, you are a beautiful woman and an amazing mother & wife-set your worries aside and just try to let it all happen (easier said than done when there are chores to do, I know…)
Best of luck with the rest of your baby cookin’ and we will all be praying for a safe and uneventful delivery AND we’ll be expecting photos of the little sweet pea as soon as ‘it’ arrives.
~Erin
My mom always said that while in labor with all 7 of us, she’d think, “Lord, there has GOT to be a better way out!” haha.
I never have loved pregnancy (except for the baby moving) and the only vaginal birth I had was traumatic (homebirth, injured son and mama!) and the rest have been c-sections. While I LOVE having a healthy baby and am sooo thankful for life-saving c-sections, I do not look forward to the recovery. After my 1st c-section, I knew what to do different that made my 2nd and 3rd ones better and faster but it’s still pain.
I love the babies, hate the process of getting them in this world (EXCEPT that conception part… pretty cool). 🙂 You are not alone!
Anyway, just hang in there. Vent and make sure to voice your worries, etc. Talk it through!
And yes, there will be suffocating love you will need to protect your little one from. I saved #3 and #4’s lives CONSTANTLY! Had all 4 in 4 years and you just can’t trust toddlers OR preschoolers.
Hi 🙂 I love what you do here and have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. 🙂 check out my latest blog post for more info! http://www.breadoralive.com.au/home/the-very-inspiring-blogger-award
Omg! I hear ya! We were in the process of moving to the country, remodeling a single-wide trailer (trailer-steading, y’all!), and trying to get all that settled in just as we were welcoming baby #2! DId I mention starting on a pig venture, my working full-time, my husband’s self-employment side jobs, and various chickens and garden!!??! Baby had minimal prep time compared to #1, and I had to let the cloth diapers go for this one (for more than one reason…). Just figure out what is the most important for your sanity and homestead and be thankful we live in a time where we don’t starve if we don’t get all of our own beyond-organic food put by for winter. There ARE high-quality grocery stores and sometimes momma’s health and sanity are worth shelling out some extra dollars. Like you’ve said before, time is NOT money–it’s far more valuable! Make sure to give yourself some! Most of all, give yourself some grace, and space to not be perfect. (Speaking from one perfectionist to [assumed] another, here. I know it’s HARD!)
Enjoy, momma!
A while ago you asked for name suggestions on fb… I am semi obsessed with naming baby’s… For some reason I think the name Nora/Norah sounds really good with Georgia and Owen. Another one that I thought sounded good with your other 2 is Magnolia. It kinda keeps with a southern theme since you married a “southern man” 😉
As for boys… I’ve got nothin’
My prenatal yoga teacher gave me a card that said
“I give birth joyfully, easily and without complication”
know the truth of these words, with the utmost confidence, without allowing any fear or doubt to creep in, and they will be true.
Shaye, I loved this post. I have the same condition – 2 wombs – but only one birth canal (it’s one NOW…I had a septum removed so at lease THAT part is kinda “normal”.) I carried TWINS! We made it to 35 weeks, thanks to much prayer and much grace from the Lord, and a sweet doctor who took great care of me. I carried them both in the left side… and they were both breech, crammed in there with no room for anyone to turn around. So I had a c-section. God was so faithful…and I’m so thankful that He fearfully and wonderfully made me to be able to carry two healthy, amazing little girls who are living proof of His mercy and grace. Now the 3 blood clots and the trip to ICU afterwards…well, that’s for another day! So I get “recovery issues” too!! But I wouldn’t trade the story God wrote for me…it’s where He meets me and lavishes His love an me, building my faith…and it’s where He does the same for you. But you know that already!! So you GO girl!!!!! Thank you for sharing EVERYTHING and ALWAYS from the HEART!! We miss you in south AL!!
Wow Denise – I think you’re the first woman I’ve met that has the same condition! I only have one birth canal too now – since Owen’s vaginal birth that tore it all out. Eek. Hoping for a less horrifying experience this time 😉 Blessings!