I was running the vacuum through our bedroom for the umpteenth time last week when I accidentally sucked up the tail of one of Stuart's ties.
Don't tell him that.
And don't tell my Mom that I was using her vacuum that I borrowed, oh, I don't know… eight months ago.
(Neither of those is an important detail to the story… ahem).
Regardless, there I was in the bedroom, pulling the tie from the vacuum brush. Dare I say, I was upset. Sure, it was my fault – I, after all, was vacuuming. But I still stood there, cursing the tie's existence and the fact that it found it's way onto the floor… again.
You see – there's this chair. An old, worn, rickety chair that I picked up from the Goodwill years ago for $4. It was cute. It had potential. (Not that it's seen that potential, but once again, not an important detail). Our $4 chair sits patiently by Stuart's closet, awaiting the day when we'll love it enough to refurnish it in luxurious upholstery fabric, restuff it's sunken cushions with new foam, and give it that good cleaning it so desperately needs.
But instead, it sits. And each day, my messy hard-working husband comes home from work, strips off his navy blue trousers (that he looks realllllly good in), tears away the tie that's been weighing around his neck all day, and unbuttons the collared shirt that only further accentuates how goooooood he looks in those navy blue trousers.
He strips away the day.
And throws it all on the chair.
For the past six years, I've been confident that some day… one day… he'd put the clothes in the hamper (or even better, rehang the clean ones for another day!). And yet day after day, I disappointingly yanked the clothes piled up on the chair and found them another home – the closet, the laundry basket, the garbage.
(Just kidding. But don't think I wasn't tempted.)
But I'll wear them again! He says.
But I just needed to quickly change! He says.
With the rage of a woman facing a thousand loads of laundry, I cast away his excuses and continued my internal war of clothes vs. chair. I folded, tossed, and restacked. I moved the chair. I cleaned off the chair and put a pretty throw blanket over it. I dusted it. I requested that it no longer be home to those wool pants or that sweater vest. Please, oh please, just let the poor chair be.
And then the tie got sucked up in the vacuum.
I know when to cry Uncle and that tie, well, that tie was my Uncle.
When Stuart arrived home from work and went about the routine of stripping off school clothes, I calmly (ahem) and politely said the following:
“My dearest love and sunshine, I from here on and forever more shall no longer be cleaning up your chair. Please feeleth free to do with it as you wish. But please noteth, if your trousers are laid upon the chair, they shan't be washed, nor shall your sweaters be folded. All clothes laideth upon thee chair shall here by and forever more remain there until you shalleth decide that they be promptly moved to the laundry basket or the closet. If that meanteth that my love shall wear stinky clothes now and forever more, than so be it. My wifely affections are hereby withdrawn from thee chair and responsibility of it's contents and visual pleasantness is now upon thee.”
Oh – what freedom! What pure and utter joy it is to accept one another and savor that unique marital relationship. My nature is to control. Letting go of that chair and it's wad of contents brought initial anxiety (I just can't visually stand it!) but man, what freedom.
Instead of stressing, I let it be. I had to give it up and let it go. I accepted the organic relationship that is this marriage, recognized our differences, and decided that this chair was not worth my energy. If I spent as much time loving extra on my dashing husband as I did complaining about that danged laundry, I'd probably be in a much better place.
And so. Here we are.
He knows I love him and that if his clothes shall findeth their way to the hamper, I'll surely wash, fold, and stack the clothes away just as he likes them.
Until that day, I'm basking in the peace that comes with letting go and letting things be.
This isn't a relationship, or a world, to be controlled. But rather, to be enjoyed. And as much as I'd like to put a giant sign on the chair that reads “I'm not a laundry dump, dude.” – for now, I'm okay with learning lessons of grace.
Lord knows I need that grace too.
And Amen.
Jen S.
Pleeeeease know that you are NOT alone in your hubby struggles with half-dirty (if there is such a thing!) laundry! It has been a sort of aggravation for me and I had to just Let It Gooo…(and yes, I’m am singing the Frozen theme song…). I am sure there are things that I do to aggravate my hubby so I guess we’re even. lol But from talking to other wives, they have the same problem. So I guess God wired them that way…for some unforeseen reason that we’ll finally understand when we reach Heaven lol. Hang in there! π
Kendra at New Life on a Homestead
So my husband and I have had the EXACT same conversation about his pile of “I’ll wear them again” clothes on the bathroom countertop. Every time I clean the bathroom I move that pile to its appropriate places (according to smell of course). And then he wonders where his clothes are.
I keep hoping maybe he’ll start hanging them back up or put them in the hamper. Maybe it’s a guy thing? I wonder how big the pile will get if I start leaving it alone. π
Life Breath Present
Oh man oh many, oh boy. I Know this. I know all about it. Hun has his way about things. I once spent my time and energy (mental and physical) on his ‘mess making’. Then, I did as you and let it go. I chose to accept it as his way and that his way is different from mine and that’s OK. I also have a similar “rule”, things that aren’t in the laundry basket don’t get washed. Occasionally, I’ll ask if there’s anything that needs washed. Somehow this works. Somehow he never has an empty closet or drawers of clothes. In the meantime, I’m relaxed. π
Kat @ Where the Sidewalk Ends
This post is pure heaven π Thanks for the reminder in ye olde English about how to let go of little things and embrace exactly what is.
Angi
Wow. My husband is exactly the same. Only we have no chair, so they just go directly on the floor on his side of the bed. *sigh*. I always just pick them up and have only said something to him a couple of times. I am so bothered by them being there that I am struggling with the thought of “letting go”. I’m glad you have come to that place though, and hopefully I will make it there soon too! haha
Karie
If you let it go, you have to really let it go! I told my husband I would not wash anything that wasn’t in the hamper five years ago. He still walks on the pile next to his side of the bed every night. The clothes are still in a pile, but I haven’t done his laundry in five years. You decide which is better!
Sarah
At least they don’t end up on YOUR side of the bed! And can I please trip over your shoes just one more time that are placed in my way to my side of the bed?! Ok, sarcasm aside, I think this is a conversation that needs to happen. And it should also be addressed by pastors doing premarital counseling–it would save women about 1,000 mental angry conversations π Good for you, Shaye!
Angela/Parisienne Farmgirl
Ah men. I too have given up in this area. It’s a fine line. You can’t treat them like children but just like we must suffer the fate of not cleaning out our fridges… well… we all have lessons to learn.
I adopted this policy last year and I “gently” lay said items on the floor of his closet. It’s taking awhile…he’s catching on but frankly – I am a happier wife because I am not grumbling as I pick up his stuff off the floors… chairs… doorknobs…
Deanna
I never knew until marrying the love of my life that there were degrees of clean and dirty. My dear husband of twenty years has his pile and I leave it be. In return he keeps it neatly folded ( or draped)
Genevieve
God can I relate to this… though I still quietly put my husband’s clothes in the hamper myself (can’t let dirty clothes on floor, ain’t’ good for my sanity) I’ve long stop being mad at him or trying to teach him or whatever, that is way way better for said sanity π
Sue
Dear Shaye,
I think every woman has gone through this battle. In 2006 my husband deployed for 15 months. It was a very long deployment filled with longing for my husband to fill our house with his singing and I even missed his dirty laundry. I know it seems silly but I really did miss having to pick up his dirty clothes just feet from the laundry basket. After his return I have never complained about his laundry. I have met widows that would give anything to pick up after their hubby one more time. I understand the frustration because I’m a mother of four but take the the time to give thanks for that laundry. It’s a reminder of one of your biggest blessings. Saying a prayer for you. Thank you for your blog and sharing.
And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him. Col. 3:17 (KJV)
Rae
When my Husband was deployed I actually missed his stinky, sweaty, balled up socks scattered through out the house and the trail of clothes that went from the utility room to bathroom as he peeled off layers coming home from the farm.
I would like to say upon his return I didn’t complain…still working on that. I did put a hamper near the door from the garage he comes in from so he can throw the work clothes directly in. The socks are still everywhere.
Camille
My husband also has his chair, unfortunately its in the living room. He also has no distinction between clean clothes and used clothes and gross clothes, they all go on the chair and he just picks through it at random
Allison
This is too funny. I almost sent a link of this to my husband yesterday just because I thought it would make him laugh so hard. This morning, he opened his closet and laughed and his own pile of clothes and so I made him read your post. He did laugh.
Shaye, the part where you talked about spending less time worried about the laundry and more time loving on your hardworking man, my husband pointed at the screen and said, “Wow, how many women if they read that would have much more happy lives…”
Well said!
Kati
I am LOVING this post. This has been a ‘discussion’ at our house many times. It would be easier to let it go if I didn’t have to walk through his pile to get to our closet and bathroom. Maybe I need to get a chair for him, so I can let it go? On a serious note, my Mom had the same discussion with my dad years ago. He usually puts his clothes where they belong and when he doesn’t, he does the laundry. It’s a win, win for everyone.
Ashley
Seems all of our husbands are conspiring against us! I have yet to let that darn chair go….maybe now I will. Thank you for this!
Katie L
My hubs totally has a chair too! I was never nice enough to clean it off for him though…
sally
After 55 years of picking up his clothes, tools, books, & other stuff I guess there is no hope he is ever going to do it himself; I have been told I spoiled him, yes I did and I’ll be the first to say so, but all this picking up stuff is part of a larger plan as it is my way of showing my husband that I love and treasure him and will not abandon him as his family did after his Mothers death when he was 16 they walked away and he has been without their support since. Picking up his belongings is a very small thing in the scheme of life and I will gladly do it as long as he lives. Long ago I learned that just pick it up when you first see it and then it gone no fuss, no muss, just peace.
Barb
I love reading your posts and am always amazed at your insights! Back in the late 70’s I had two beautiful babies 18 mos apart. I was only 19 but I wanted to provide the healthiest lifestyle that I could. Home births, organic food, lots of cuddle time and fun. I too am a control freak and wanted things to be clean and in order but it also made me cranky. I still have my moments with my husband but he has matured now to the point where he OFFERS to do the laundry. So keep the faith ladies there just might come a day when it happens for you too! And then you can sit in that chair and say wow it only took 20 yrs!
P.S. On those cold, wet, grey days with little ones inside full of energy I would put on some up beat music and get out the wiffle bat and ball and would pitch it to them. It was great fun for all.
Tracy
We put an IKEA coat rack in our room, so there is a place to put those not yet dirty items. It works nicely. My husband still has a pile that accumulates on the floor before it makes it to the hamper, but he knows and accepts that it won’t get washed if it’s not in the hamper.
It used to take forever for me to turn all his things right side out too. After asking many times for him to do it before putting them in the hamper, one week I just hung them up and folded them as they came out of the dryer, most of them inside out. Now it is a rare occasion that I need to turn something right side out. I don’t mind a rare occasion and am happy to return it to him right side out!
Jess
This is fantastic. I wish I could insert a picture of my husbands side of the bed. Or… Floor rather (Which indecently is exactly 2ft away from our hamper). Same I’ll wear it tomorrow argument. Same grumbling when the clothes finally expire and are left on the floor one day. I feel like perhaps I’m being taught something today. And I am grateful for the lesson. π
Glenda
I wish it was my husband that junked/cluttered up the beautiful antique church pew in our bedroom .Then I could blame someone for the clutter. I am the culprit, you see my husband is annal , his clothes are always in their rightful place. I will fold clothes on my bed and not get them put away and then my daughter is sleeping so her clothes go on the pew. Something needs hemning or mending on the pew. Let us know how this is working.
Katie
Shaye….did you sneak into our house and take a photo of my husband’s chair?? This just sounds (and looks) all too familiar…
π
Katie
Darren (Green Change)
Am I the only guy who reads your site? π
I can totally relate to this. I have my pile of clothes that are still in use – maybe slightly dirty, but not enough to need a wash, but too much to put back in the cupboard where I’ll pull them out thinking they’re clean and then wear them somewhere important and discover they’re not clean.
I come home from work, change out of my work clothes (shirt and socks into the basket, pants often kept for the next day), and put on my home clothes (which only get worn for a few hours each night, so don’t warrant being washed after every wearing). There is often a yard shirt and shorts as well, which I use when I might get dirty, but I don’t always get dirty so then I can keep them again for next time. Oh, and a jumper which I’ll come back and grab if it’s cold, and a yard jumper which I can grab if it’s cold outside.
I hate it when my wife messes up my system. I waste time looking for clothes I know I had yesterday (or last week), and was going to wear again today, but then I can’t find them because she took them. And she doesn’t empty the pockets properly, because she doesn’t know what I’ve put in which pocket (there are many!), so hankies and little bits of hardware and receipts go through the wash in my pockets (if I’m lucky – sometimes they come out in the wash and “clear out the washing machine filter and pipes” gets added to my jobs list). And sometimes she takes my last decent pair of yard shorts, not realising I was holding onto them until a replacement pair came back with the clean laundry, and now I have to wear the stupid tight uncomfortable ones I hate and never wear. [Why don’t I throw them out, if they’re uncomfortable and don’t fit? Because I’m forced to hold onto them for the days like this when all my good shorts have been taken and put in the wash!]
When things need a wash, I put them in the hamper. If they don’t need a wash, I keep them in my pile. It’s simple. I don’t understand why it annoys anyone.
I think someone needs to invent a new piece of furniture. I don’t know what it would look like, but it’s not like a cupboard (because you don’t put not-clean clothes back in a cupboard) and it’s not like a chair (because girls hate clothes left on a chair). It needs to sit in the corner of the bedroom, easily take dumped clothes without requiring sorting or folding but still keep them handy without digging, and not look untidy.
Shaye Elliott
This made me smile!
Wanda Bivens
Well, lean in and let me share with all you lovely ladies how O BROKE my husbands habbit in just a few days.
I started by picking up all his cloths clean or dirty and pulling back his side of the bed sheets and depositing on his pillow.
His comment once he discovered his side of the bed had a different look, “whats all this about”.
My comment, “Enjoy your new hamper” I got it dirt cheap.” Lol had to throw the dirt comment in.
I said, “this hamper only goes away once you find where each item properly goes.”
Problem solved