Those days. Oh man. You know those days? Those days?
The days that, despite the biblical truths one knows and believes and loves, get the better of you?
Y'all. I'm there. I'm theeeeere.
My gang… my gang is cute as ever, aren't they? You know what else they are? Agitating. Poopy. Fussy. Disobedience. And all-consuming. Like emotional leeches.
I'm not trying to complain or fuss about the life of a stay-at-home-Mom, no doubt, any circumstances with children (working or not) presents it's own challenges. Children are just hard. They need you! Every second. Of every day. There is no morning commute to detox. No lunch hour to refresh. No weekends to just enjoy them – because, let's face it, you never get the chance to miss them. Oh no.
The other day I needed to run an errand for Stuart – my mission was to acquire two and a half dozen donuts from a local bakery. Heading to get them, I was already ruffled at the fact that it took us no less than an hour to get everyone out of the door with underwear and shoes on. And as soon as that happened the first time, Will filled his diaper again. And then there was a battle about me not allowing milk in the new car. And the fact that I brought the grey shoes and not the pink ones. And that the window wouldn't roll down far enough. And on it went.
“Let's have some quiet time!” Mommy pleaded. “Let's sing along to the music instead! Let's contemplate astrophysics in our minds! Let's do anything besides have impossible conversations!”
Mommy can only talk so much, y'all.
Seven princess stories later, we arrived at the bakery. I gave a quick run-down about what my expectations were and what our objective was. Please, no emotional breakdowns, temper tantrums, tears, whining, or donut battles. Please. I'm begging you.
Which of course there were. But we survived. Five minutes in the donut store and three trips to the car later, we finally had everyone reloaded into their appropriate carseats – donuts and all.
It wasn't a unique experience – I'm used to the constant battles with the determined four year old (dare I say, she takes after her mother) and the wild two year old (seriously, he's wiiiild). But that first moment that I sat in my car at the bakery, I felt like a hostage. Please! Let me out of here! All I want to do is take 2 minutes by myself to get get the danged donuts!
But, the reality is, Mamas don't get time to themselves. Ever.
Half the time I'm showering or using the bathroom, there's creepy little fingers sneaking under the door begging me to return to the circus.
Please don't tell me these times will pass. I know that they will. I know my days with my littles are limited and fleeting.
But even if the years are short, people, the days are long. Some days, naturally, longer than others.
Today, I've wiped up more poop off the bathroom floor and toilet seat than I'd care to talk about. Three sets of teeth brushed. Seven outfit changes. Three meals. Two snacks. Five nursing sessions. 1,293 sippy cup fill-ups. 47 sibling battles. 1,129,192,837 dirty dishes. Spitting. Screaming. Hair caught in bed springs.
It's not every day. But it was today.
Maybe some of you Moms are much cooler than me and can keep your head straight and your words calm amidst the chaos. I wish I had that superpower. The more I pray for it, the more it seems that the opposite takes hold, further driving me to my knees in desperation.
Lord, I know I've failed miserably. I've lost my temper, lost control of my words and my emotions. I've let my selfish desires drive my anger and resented those that need me the most. I've coveted my girlfriends who still just have one, adorable, semi-obedient child and pitied myself for being in the trenches of motherhood where it can be dark, isolated, and so, so messy. Like it's raining boogers messy.
I know it will pass. I know these days are special and important. I know they need a mother who approachs parenting from a place of peace and mercy, laying open and learning through the imperfections in herself.
I supposed my hypocrisy and brokenness don't disqualify me from parenting, but rather, qualifys me to speak truth about the depravity in us all and the perfection and forgiveness that we can all find in Christ. Together.
I'm still frazzled. But that, as this all will, shall pass.
I'm going to go throw these hoodrats into a bubble bath with some calming oils, cross-my-fingers that everyone stays in their bedrooms at bedtime, and pray.
For peace.
For forgiveness. Times a million.
For perspective.
… and for the soul-cleansing, Mama-saving power of the Gospel.
More of my writing on parenthood and motherhood:
Megan
Oh, I am there with you! Seriously, I totally related to this post. Children are a blessing BUT a lot of work, day in, day out. These past 4 years (I have a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old) have been the most sanctifying spiritual time of my life. God has really let me see the ugliness in my own heart. Dare I say, the 4 year old is strong willed enough to have made us hesitate to add a third babe. I know those battles you speak of (and i ALWAYS end up telling a million monotous stories in the car- ugh). BUT, but it is getting better; they are becoming more reasonable- the hard work is paying off! God is faithful! We push through and pray and ask for more grace. Praying for you today, too.
Davi
Ain’t that the truth…
Kelley
Even with 1 child “those days” exist…oh man do they ever.
Stacey
I remember those days, and you’re right I don’t need to tell you those long days will pass too soon. I have 5 kids 11 – 17 and I need to remind myself the same things that these days will pass too soon also. There are different battles at older ages but I still wonder if I can ever just have 2 minutes to myself!!!
Julie
I am with you word for word on this one. Standing with you in prayer for ourselves to be the mama’s our kids need, demonstrating both grace and patience, as well as showing them oh-so-clearly why we need the saving power of our Lord to even get through the day.
Helga Skowronski
Been there done that π You have not realized the necessity of having a pair of earplugs always available for long drives … You can still hear them , but it takes out those high notes that are so tiring and the drive is as jolly as anything π
Angela/Parisienne Farmgirl
I LOVE it that you said these days will pass… you know they will.
Honestly – I get sick of being told that. SICK of it! As if I don’t think about that all the TIME! I am OBSESSED with my kids and sob all the time at how fast time goes. That doesn’t mean I still don’t need some affirmation that I am in the trenches, giving my ALL to people who would eat me alive if needed! Really, aside from the mess, it’s the character shaping that gets the best of me. When I just want to throw a tantrum myself but can’t because I am “shaping little lives” and leading them, sometimes kicking and screaming towards the cross.
You are in the trenches. And sometimes you just want a no hassle donut.
Thank goodness we have His Grace.
Janet
Amen sister. We all have these days. This is exactly the kind of thing that’s helpful to read and know that it’s not just me!
Kristin
AMEN sister! I feel ya!
Karla
This is me. Every day.
Dee
Oh, man. I can SOOOO sympathize. And be jealous…..you see, my children are 32, 29 and 26 and seem to think they’ve arrived. They don’t want to snuggle of the sofa and watch a movie. Okay, that may have only lasted for 6.2 seconds, but 6.2 wonderful seconds.
No, I don’t have to fight to brush their teeth at bedtime, but I also don’t get to kiss them awake in the morning anymore.
No, I’m not changing a diaper poo-splosion, but I’m not getting those lovely, chubby-armed neck hugs that feel so good either.
The time DOES go so fast and I remember hearing those words from a woman in the grocery store, who was probably somewhere around my current age, which is…uh…never mind. I saw the mist in her eyes and thought to myself ‘not fast enough’.
But it is fast. So fast. My babies have made mistakes that caused them pain. Two of them have been to war. One of them knows the pain of waiting for God’s choice instead of taking matters into her own hands. Being the parent of adults is not for sissies.
So, when you FINALLY get them in bed tonight and you lie down knowing you babies are all under your roof, sleeping peacefully (at least for the moment), try to remember it will not always be a simple. I didn’t say easy, but simple.
Kim
Very sweet……..a good reminder to me with four children ages 10-14. Thanks π
Madelyn
Ok now I’m crying. π haha, oh goodness
katy
Here are some things the Lord has helped me with, just from one mom to another. Maybe these will resonate with you, maybe not. I offer these thoughts with the utmost grace and humility. The Lord brought to my attention that I would get frustrated and short with my children when I had ‘too much to do’ and they would want me to do things as well. I find myself praying many days that the Lord will help me get a lot done but not at the expense of my attitude to my children. I hope that makes sense. As a homesteader, I know the ‘to do’ list never ends but I pray that He would help me know how to rightly prioritize everything. I also write down verses on a bookmark (a BIG one) and pray them every day. Most days, I start my day praying, ‘Lord, please let me answer my children gently…let me give them cheerful looks (even when I feel silly) that brings joy to the heart…let me use pleasant words (bring to mind ways to encourage them) that are sweet to the soul…let me be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry…’ you get the point. I also pray that as I do these things, the Lord helps me realize right away that it was He who brought that kind word to my lips, because that is NOT me (I am naturally selfish) and that I would praise Him right away for changing me. And He has changed me. When I find that I do not react rightly to the children, I also pray that I would be quick to ask for forgiveness (SO hard for me) and I pray that God would let me move on, as my children have already forgotten the blowup (it is in my nature to dwell on things). Part of me wonders if I am a better mama now that I have help (the oldest of my 6 children is 9 now) but that is NOT to take anything away from the wonders of the Lord. HE has changed ME! Being entrenched in His Word has changed me, NOT ‘pulling myself up from my bootstraps’ and ‘just sucking it up’ and being a better mom! Oh, I also pray that I would not slack on discipline – that I would see the importance of it and of doing it right away and (again) with the right attitude. I hope some of that helps π To be so vulnerable is a hard thing. I am writing these things only as an encouragement!
Therese
I have two older children which is an immense help. I can duck out real quick and get a few things while they baby sit. But still my resolve with two toddlers only stretches so far. I hang on and on and then when hubby comes through the door 2 hours later than expected I explode. Not fair on hubby but it’s as though when he comes home the release valve on the pressure cooker lets go. Then after a cuppa and chat with an adult I feel sane again and have a breather whilst he gives them a bath. Yes it will be over at one time or other and I’m sure when it is it’ll be like childbirth and I’ll forget the challenges and long for those times again.
Susan
I swear…there’s a special place in heaven for mothers! Mine is off at college now, but I remember the loooong days all too well. This is why God gave us wine!
Jess the Mess
Haha! Word.
I am learning the same lesson. Stop, drop, and breathe, sister. Maybe you should check out Dr. Laura Markham. She’s a wealth of good advice, and has helped me a lot.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/Peaceful_Parenting
Kathy
I can definitely relate….been there and done that! All 3 of my kids are now grown and have children of their own. But when they were little they drove me crazy just the same way yours are but once they became teens my boys were really good and my daughter…..well that’s a different story. I wished she was little again! Of course now she is 40 and we are best friends
Sheri
This never happened to me. My life has been absolutely perfect! (Said no real human!) Lifting you and your adorable family up in prayer!
Rosalyn
Am I to understand you don’t have a dishwasher? Girl, get a dishwasher. Drop whatever anti-dishwasher thing you’ve got going on, and get one. 3 kids and one working husband – you’ve got other things to do!
Karman N
Oh so true!! I feel guilty for daydreaming of the time when it is just me and my husband at home. Sometimes I just have to try and find the beautiful parts in what seems like a very cruel joke. I guess I should add an ‘I really do love them!’ π
Karen
When they are grown and gone you dream of those wonderful days! THEN GRANDCHILDREN COME!
Mirabelle
Maybe you’re not sinful, but normal? Adding a burden of guilt on top of mothering a bunch of little ones seems unnecessarily harsh. How about thinking that you’re doing the best you can, and let it go at that?
daniela
Dear Shaye,
I am writting to you all the way from Croatia, a beautiful little country on the Adriatic coast. I have been reading your blog for quite a while now, I like your spirit and the way you write, especially about faith and profound connection with Lord that we gain through tending to “nature” i.e. animals and plants. You are a real inspiration on that matter. But just the other day when you were filling your blog with posts about pottager garden, trimming chicken wings, calving etc. I have honestly asked myself Are you for real? Not in a bad way, please do not missunderstand… I just thought … Does she really have three small children, huge garden, animals, house which she has to take care of simultaneosly (I have probably spelled it wrong, but you get me) together with all the other business aspirations, this blog, essent.oils, possible sheep business, cook books etc. Your children like all the other ones need to be fed, cleaned, put for a nap…they are probably ill sometimes…your garden and animals need tending…you mentioned new puppys some time ago and a broken femur… I just can’t believe that you and your husband do it all by yourselves, and he works fulltime! I liked you from the begining mostly because of your honesty and because you don’t begin yours posts with 6 ways to….4 reasons for…but now,I dont know…because I know that day has 24 hours and to be relatively normal we need to sleep at least 6… It is so easy to relate to your text above, it is quite familiar to many moms around the world, working or stay at home,to me as well, but I would like you to go back to real honesty about running your homestead keeping in mind that if what I said is all true, you are heading for a nervous breakdown and unhappy husband and children. I wish you positive changes with Lord’s help and all the best to you and your family.
kari
Oh girl! I am in this boat with you! 4 kids and a husband that works looong days. Bless that amazing man. You made me laugh and some days when it may feel like we are really in the trenches laughter is oh so needed. “She will be saved in child bearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness with self control.” 1 Timothy 2:15
Karen
And, sometimes the husband is just ANOTHER child to raise – and usually the hardest to teach! π
Life Breath Present
Motherhood Is so hard, it’s trying and troublesome. It’s hardly ever quiet and you don’t get left untouched for hours.
Then there are the days when things go just a bit smoother and you’re restored. Or maybe it’s the bedtime and not having to get everyone to quiet down and go to sleep. Those are the moments I try to remember…..BUT, I often fail!
We all “fail” at times, we all struggle. And that’s what’s so interesting about this journey called motherhood. What’s even better thoigh, is the ability to Talk about it, to share our troubles with one another, to gather strength, and to support one another. π
Claire
And then….. just when those days pass and you THINK you will finally get some rest the grandchildren start arriving and you don’t even want any rest anymore because those grandbabies are just so darn huggable, lovable… cant get enoughable. That’s where I am at with a 7, 4 and 2 year grandchild. It is wonderful!
Just breathe in and let out a sigh of relief when bed time arrives…. because tomorrow is another glorious day!
Angie
A friend once told me children grow so very fast. And five minutes is nothing but a fleeting moment in our lives. But five minutes under water is a long time. It’s all about where you’re at when that five minutes passes.
Karen
You don’t have to be ‘perfect’, just present! One of the most exciting – gratifying days I had was when my oldest told me “You were RIGHT, Mom”! I don’t remember WHAT I was right about, but it felt GREAT! That made all the bad days disappear.
Tammy
I remember those days (shuddering)! Whew! I survived and would most definitely go back and do it again. Now I’m in a different phase of those days, homeschooling three teenage boys. It’s not about poopy diapers and boogers anymore though. Sometimes I want to go back. Sometimes I don’t. The creepy fingers under the door have turned into Algebra papers with a hysterical whine about problem #5. I usually respond with a ‘Can I have a few minutes here? Can I? Now you have to wait to get your paper back!’ Haha I love my life! Seriously, I do. π
Ruth Juarez
Oh Shaye, you are not alone. I have 4 kiddos- 11 months, 3, 4, and 6. I feel like I could have written this post, though probably not quite so eloquently. Having a homestead and raising kids 24/7 is exhausting, some days more than others. We have a 2.5 acre homestead in Maine, wish we were closer, sounds like your kiddos would get along great with my wild, busy farm kids:)
Elizabeth
I just started reading your blog, and I love how you describe things. I just wanted to give you a quick word of encouragement, and maybe a word of advice. As a preschool teacher (for 9 years) I learned a thing or two about handling emotional outbursts and tantrums. If you acknowledge (and verbally identify) the child’s emotions, things will go a lot easier. Not really the reason why they are having them (for the most part your kiddos are too young for that step). Example: Mary is running and bumps into Bobby, causing Bobby to fall. He is not injured. He gets up and raises his hand to hit Mary. You interrupt and say, “wow, bobby. I see you hand his like this (you imitate his body language) and your face is like this (you imitation his face), I wonder, was that scary when you fell down? Would you like a hug to feel better? Mary, why don’t you give Bobby a hug to help him feel better?
Another example: you and Bobby are at the donut shop, you explain expected behavior etc beforehand, but Bobby still has a melt down after not getting a donut. ” yes bobby, I hear your voice like this (imitate his cry) and your face like this (imitate his face), I wonder, are you feeling disappointed that you didn’t get a donut? I can understand that. It’s frustrating to see something that you know tastes yummy and not be able to have some too. It makes my tummy growl like I’m hungry. Are you hungry too? Let’s go home and you can help me decide what would make our tummies feel better. ”
It’s important to ask if (blank) is what they were feeling, sometimes we name the wrong emotions, and it also gives them a chance to be in control, which is very important to them at that age.
Also, in my years of preschool teaching, I potty trained LOTS of kiddos. 2 pieces of advice:
1) relax. It’ll happen. This, unfortunately, is one thing you can’t do for your kids. This is something that only they can do. But, take heart, it’s not likely that they are going to go to kindergarten wearing diapers. Give it time, it’ll work itself out.
2) its not your poop. Why should you clean it up? 2 year olds are more than capable of getting a paper towels or toilet paper and wipe clean the poop off the floor or the toilet seat. As a matter of fact, they are very capable also of dumping the poop out of their underwear and into the toilet. If they are capable of changing their own underwear, let them. Have them put the wet underwear in the washer, wipe their own body (of course you go back over it as needed) and put clean clothes back on. It’s called natural consequences. If you walk outside in the cold without a coat, the consequences that you will be cold. If you wet your pants, you have to take your wet clothes off put them in the washer, clean yourself up, put clean clothes on, and clean up the pee on the floor. You don’t get in trouble for that its just something that has to be done.
Good luck to you!
martha
i just love this, been there done that, with three kids grown and gone now I am totally back there. The other day while driving my now 21 daughter to college she told me I was too needy. I needed help with my water bottle, with my lunch, with the air conditioning. She was so funny! She just wanted to get to school , unpack and be done with me. Three hours later all was well and we are still friends. Enjoy your little’s because they don’t stay little for long enough.
Emily
Can I please come and live on the farm for a little while and be your live-in mother’s helper? I’ll sleep on the packrat mattress. π