Once upon a time, I was pregnant.

Ah – who am I kidding. I've been pregnant or lactating for the last six years of my life. But this time, I was pregnant.

There I was… minding my own business picking out paint colors on Pinterest for the new farm… watching orders come in for Family Table… when my friend Angela messaged to tell me she was eating a burger and onion rings.

Why, Angela, why?! You cruel woman.

For the next 28.174 hours, all I could think about was onion rings. I contemplated hoppin' in the ‘burb, driving 20 minutes to town, hitting up a fast food joint that (no doubt) fried their chemically-laden rings in rancid, GMO vegetable oil, only to feel terrible 183 seconds later. And in my first trimester, I probably would have.

But now that I'm in the beautiful second trimester – the trimester without nausea or a gigantic belly – I scrounged up enough energy to make my own. And delicious ones at that.

These are not your traditional battered onion ring – I've opted instead to ‘bread' them with ground nuts and Parmesan. A little extra protein for my large-and-in-charge self. Then, I fried them in lard made from our pigs. Because lard makes everything better – and that's the gosh darn truth ladies and gentleman.

Pecan Crusted Homemade Onion Rings

You will need:

2 pounds organic onions

3 cups pecans or nut of choice (soaked and dehydrated is best)

1/2 cup finely grated Parmesan cheese

1 teaspoon garlic salt (check out my homemade version in Family Table!)

3 whole eggs

1/2 – 1 cup lard, tallow, or coconut oil

Directions:

Peel the onions and cut into 1/4″ slices, across the width, to create ‘rings'. Use your fingers to break up the slices into ring segments.

In a food processor, grind the nuts until they're a fine meal.

Add in the Parmesan…

And the garlic salt. Pulse to combine. Then, pour this mixture into a large bowl.

Meanwhile, heat a large cast iron skillet up on the stove. Put the lard into the skillet and allow it to preheat as well, until shiny and just barely smoking.

Crack the eggs into a bowl and gently whisk with a fork.

While the skillet finishes preheating, let's bread those rings – baby! Sorry. I don't know another word to use for bread… there is no bread involved in this homemade onion ring recipe. No gluten even. For those interested. Where we were? Oh yes… dip a few rings at a time into the eggs. Shake off any extra. Transfer the egg drenched rings into the pecan mixture. Gently toss the mixture around with your fingertips to coat the onion ring.

Transfer the coated onion rings to the hot skillet. Cook for 3-4 minutes per side, until golden.

Voila. Pecan crusted homemade onion rings. Real food onion rings, too. Fried in nutrient dense lard. Highlighted by soaked and dehydrated nuts (this helps for optimal digestion!) and enhanced gently by the tangy and salty Parmesan. I'll take a big ‘ol plate please.

In reality, I got to enjoy two of the onion rings before my gangster family snagged the rest. Hood rats, I tell you.

And in reality, I had to make this batch before the sun went down so I could photograph them. So I did. Then, for actual supper time, I whipped up the rest. And then I got distracted by my gangster family and burnt them. Because – well – that's reality when a hobbit pull a fairy's hair. And little babies find their way into bags of rice.

Needless to say, it's time to make more of these homemade onion rings. Because I'm pregnant. And I love to cook things in lard. And because now they're all I can think about.

I'll pretend like I didn't have a complete pregnancy mental breakdown when my daughter asked me for the 12th time at the supper table why I chose to burn the onion rings. And I'll pretend like I didn't run back to my bathroom, shut and lock the door, and sit on the floor crying for 20 minutes about God-only-knows-what.

I'm not even a cryer. Pregnancy is weird, man.

…whatever. I guess it's time to makes some more stupid onion rings. This time, I'll try and snag more than 2. And maybe I'll even be able to stop myself from burning most of them.

‘Tis life, my friends. ‘Tis life.

And Amen.