Have you seen that Jim Gaffigan skit where he's talking about one way to live your life? It goes like this:
Ya. It's sorta like that. When people see you at the store, they no longer say “Oh what a beautiful baby!” but rather they look at you with a flock of children and with sympathy/disgust they exclaim “Well, that's one way to live your life…“
Ya. It's sorta like that. We're still finding our groove as a family of six, and truth be told, when I was trying to get all four of the littles out the door yesterday, I briefly lost belief that a “groove” would ever actually come.
Juliette's poop somehow completely missed her diaper and instead found it's way up her onesie, onto her neck, and squished in between her fingers. Breaking the laws of physics around here…
The oldest one (who shall remain nameless) was having the attitude of… well, a little girl with a terrible attitude. Her brother was poking her. She didn't like the color of socks she was wearing. She wanted to eat a hard boiled egg before getting in the car because, by the way, I'm “starving her”.
The second oldest was pretending to be a T-rex and was thus bashing his head into all sorts of hard surfaces. Including his sister. And my legs. And the side of the house. He was also only speaking to me in “dinosaur language” so I'm not exactly sure if he was complaining about me too… What I do know is that when I asked him to put clothes on so we could go get in the car, it resulted in a tearful meltdown because “Dinosaurs don't wear clothes, Mama.”… but of course.
Approximately 68 minutes after starting, 3 of the 4 were buckled in. Diapers changed. Clothes on. Shoes. Sippy cups. Attitudes. Check.
… and by that time, the JuJuBean was hungry again… but of course.
Ya'll, if I couldn't laugh, I'd collapse into tears. And I have twice today. Not because it's bad or that I'd change any of it, but rather, because it's so good and so difficult and so wonderful and so taxing all at the same time. In a span of 2.8 seconds, I can be so elated with love that my heart just may burst and so angry I want to run for the hills with a bottle of wine. I can be so happy. And so sad. And so proud of my littles. And so challenged by them. The range of emotions is exhausting. And beautiful.
See? See what my brain is like? It's like a giant skillet of scrambled eggs up in here.
I certainly would never want my words to discourage any mother from ever considering having more children. It's not like that. Rather, it's like signing yourself up for a marathon.
10 miles in, you begin to question your decision. Who would make such a stupid decision? Why can't I be sitting on the sidelines, cheering these other mothers on, while sipping on a mint mojito and enjoying a clean house and structured work schedule? Are there bubble baths involved on the sidelines? Oh yes. Lots of quiet bubble baths. Dry bathroom floors. Sleep. Lots of sleep. The sidelines is where I want to be.
But right now, I'm in the race. I've got blisters on my heels. Sweat on my brow. Blood in my socks. My heart is racing. My lungs are on fire. My body is fatigued, my mind is failing, my spirit is weary. Mind you, I'm assuming this is what happens to people who run marathons because, let's-be-honest, this Mama ain't running anywhere (except for the hills with a bottle of wine, like previously noted).
The marathon brings pain.
But, as I'm reminding myself, the marathon ends. There is a finish line. Sure, in this world it might be death, but it's still a finish line. And would I prefer to finish having run this parenting marathon? Would I prefer to have left my heart in every painful footstep along the way – the good, the bad, and the ugly?
The hard days are what make the good days sweet. The mess is what makes the cleaning feel so refreshing. The overflowing sin is what makes forgiveness, and the good news of the Gospel, so joyous.
In fact, I'm only able to write you these words because I'm paying someone to play with my children while I sit in a local coffee shop with Stu (he's holding and rocking the baby). With barely a moment alone in my thoughts, it's easy to feel discouraged by the chaos of it all. Y'all… y'all… you should see my house. It was one of those “light a match and toss it over your shoulder on the way out” kind of days (okay, fine, weeks… months). And I write these words to encourage you in knowing you're not alone… but also to myself. Because I need to be reminded that it's so much bigger than dried applesauce on my dining room table, disobedient children, and stacks of neglected paperwork.
Yes, Shaye and world, hear these words: It's so much bigger!
We are in the marathon. These are the days of pure grit and horsepower.
We're farmgirls – remember? We're not the type to baulk at hard work and disappointment. Yes, we are going to feel things. Lots of things. Hard things. And really good things. But we're not going to let that break us and leave us in despair. We have a God that loves us and is working for our good, despite our bad attitudes. We have children that love us, despite our tempers. We have husbands that will happily eat omelettes for the 3rd night in a row because that's all we can muster. And we may not get to enjoy a bubble bath in solitude, but we get to enjoy one with our newborn babe curled up on our chest (even if the bathtub is dirty and full of legos).
Shaye, please don't loose sight of the beauty that comes with the pain. Get over your messy refrigerator, yard full of plastic toys, and mismatched socks. To everything there is a season.. and this is the season of the marathon.
And Amen.
I have loved following your blog, and these are my favorite posts. I am a mother of four also ages: 5, 4, 2, & 1. And you writing about how things are in this “marathon” ….just brings me such comfort. Knowing I’m not alone (because this is sometimes the loneliest place to be). Your words make me laugh and tear up with understanding. Thank you, Shaye, for being so real and honest, and for always pointing back to Jesus.
Love this post Shaye. Thinking of you!
Shaye, I may have only one (Lord knows how I truly wanted my quiver full) and she is special needs (in-uterine stroke) but I still have an abundant life and in many ways …. even with one (child) I can relate so well with you. Mom to Mom… be well> be blessed.> That is my motto/signature… it bears repeating over and over on days like these. 🙂 Thank you for writing. and on that note–Tell me, something sometime: How is it, you go down to the local coffee shop and write the way you do? The only time I can ever write is when I am not forced into a time mine. Do you take notes and such? Or does it just flow from your fingertips when you sit down with coffee….Truly you are an inspiration to so many, nonetheless. And that is the truth.
You have me thinking back about 22 years. I had two teens and adopted a sibling group of three little boys, all pre schoolers. Those preschoolers are all men now, full of adventures shared in their forever family. It’s not always easy, but it was so worth it. God bless.
Thank you for this! Getting ready for the arrival of number four in July! Sometimes you need to be reminded of the larger picture in life and just love your little ones and try to show them Jesus ‘s love everyday!
Hugs to you! This too shall pass! When I had my first 4 (within 4 years) I remember having to get ready 1 hour before leaving. Now I have 5, but the first 4 are 8,7,6, and 4-1/2 (then a 1 year old) and I can start 30 minutes before! WHOOT! WHOOT!
And, hey, at least the explosion happened at home! We went to gymnastics one time when my 4th baby had a poop explosion midway through gymnastics for her older brother. OF course, I had no extra clothes! So she was down to her diaper. Then my 1-1/2 year old had an explosion as well! No extra clothes. They were down to their diapers in the balcony. Then the baby had another one and got itall over ME! Then I wanted to cry, but I did the laugh/cry thing too. Dragging 3 kids to the bathroom and covered in poo, we were quite the sight. We ended up leaving gymnastics 20 minutes after it ended… with 2 naked kids and 2 crying kids (I had promised a trip to the store, but that was NOT going to happen).
Can laugh about it now, but I think I wanted to drink that night (and I don’t even drink!). 🙂
Your comment made me laugh so hard I cried!!! I can totally relate and picture it all too well:)
I’m sending peace, love, joy, and strength your way!!!!!! It’s always nice to share!! LOL. Hang in there girl you will get through it, remember it’s only temporary! Well at least that’s what I tell myself when I’m going through trying periods in my life, and I have been through many and when I look back I see that they were all just fleeting moments!!!!! Keep on truckin!! ????
Imagine what people say to my daughter with six, sister-in-laws with 12, 12, 9, 8 and a sister with 6! Strangers can be very unpleasant with the commentary! However, they handle it with grace and dignity. I admire them so much for the crazy they go through every day……but their children are such a blessing I know they all know it is so worth it! Thank you for sharing!
Just keep swimming! I have four kids too – but across 24 years! 🙂 My baby is now 3 and she will be our last – not by choice. So! Savor each and every moment – even the tough ones. Rest when you can. Laugh every chance you get. And don’t sweat anything. Our God provides. At this time in your life it is OK to do things you normally wouldn’t – like wear PJs outside of morning hours, and using paper plates, and small things like that. My prayer is that helpers will show up just in time – so that you get the relief when you most need it. Blessings to you and your family.
Advice that has really resonated with me is, “Go slow to go fast”. I read it on The Minimalist Mom’s blog. She moved internationally with her three children and that was her motto to get through it. I try to be conscious of that when I want to get out and about. The more I try to rush out the door the more frustrated I get and it ends up causing my kids to melt down too! Just being gentle on ourselves with our expectations is probably one of the biggest battles.
I always enjoy your updates and sweet perspective. The best way to live your life!!!!!!!!!
I can only say it does eventually get easier. A couple things I wish someone would have shared with me when I was ripping my hair out during those early age years. Lemon Balm it’s wonderful to help release stress and vitamin B, an absolute must. You’ll find that grove it just takes time. People would say in the mix of it all to take care of me. I would chuckle to myself, this was when my meals were the kids leftovers and I never thought I’d ever have a moment of peace even when I went to the bathroom. I know you can relate just remember it’s okay to cry and it’s even better to laugh. Hugs!
I love this analogy! It is so true and you summed it up perfectly! As a mom of 4 Littles with one on the way, it can be so easy to wish for the sidelines. Thankfully God gives us the strength and graces we need to carry on. You’re doing great Shaye! May God continue to bless you in your journey.
Amen sista! Life is hard and kids make those hard times harder. But then you get those silly moments and the snuggle moments and it somehow makes it all worth it! Keep strong and power on. I’ll be there with ya here shortly… #3 due anyday!
Bless your heart Shaye ♥ I love your way of looking at “things”. Prayers are sent your way for rejuvenation and peace thru those challenging days as well as others. Thank you so much for bringing inspiration to us all…….You are such a Blessing!!!
I can SO relate, Shaye! Oh, can I relate! Now that baby #4 is 2 (this Saturday), things are calming down in some areas, but they’re just getting started in others (I believe the “terrible twos” started early this time around). You have a great outlook on life, and I’m praying things calm down for you sooner than later… or at least enough that you feel like you have a grip on life!
Man, this was a GREAT post!!!
I love Jim Gafigan & that skit. I have 5 precious girls-ages 2 to 10. I told a friend the other day that people’s minds are blown 3 times with us-1st when they count how many kids we have, 2nd when they realize they are all girls, & 3rd when we tell them we homeschool. Most people truly think we are insane. And I guess we are. But I can’t even put into words the blessings I receive from this passel of kiddos that I have been gifted. There are extremely hard days where I feel so stretched that I think I will surely die this day (yes I am dramatic). But I am still alive & thankful for this life I live!
Well said! I love the way you express the way you feel (and all of us feel!). I always say after a new baby you have to find a new normal while baby fits right in he/she cause things to need to be adjusted, too;)
I so needed this! Thank you for sharing. I am right there with you. I’m expecting my 4th (it was a surprise pregnancy) in September. I’ve been struggling with my three and wondering how I’m going to do this with four. It really does help to know I’m not alone, and this is “normal”. That all children fight and misbehave, and that no house is clean all the time. Your words are inspiring to me and remind me that I CAN do this!
And I’ve seen the whole routine of Jim Gafigan, but that bit is my favorite. I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face! Thank you for sharing everything you do!
Laughed so hard I cried and cried….#4 due on Sat!
I second that. Our #4 turned out to be #s 4 and 5! Five under 5. I can completely relate!
Awwww, mama! It soooo gets better! I promise! I remember those days (my first was 5 when I had my 4th), and now, as a mom of seven with almost four teenagers, I can assure you, it gets better when they can all wipe their own butts and tie their own shoes. And you know this, there is such reward in all the effort. God is not slack concerning His promises, that we will reap if we faint not. Hugs to you and thank you for being real. Because it’s wonderful truth!
Let’s remember the hormone flucuation you are going through right now. #4 was the hardest on me and my husband but really once the age 2 and 3 rolled around it got much easier or we just stopped stressing so much.
Unless God works a miracle I’m going to be forever on the sidelines. Some days I find that really hard and then I read things like this and I’m like dang this mint mojito tastes good! Bubble baths in Lego free bath tubs for life! 😉
Thanks for keeping it real Shaye, and for seeing the beauty in the mess. There are many who would love to trade places with you.
So true, you got it down exactly! When #4 was about 6 months old, all of a sudden it all felt easier…maybe because I wasn’t nursing a baby all day long while trying to get anything else done… maybe because the older kids figured out how to help a little more …maybe I got it together – finally!
Maybe it was taking the advice of our elderly neighbor. She said to eat more nuts and greens and see if it helped, and it did! It took 2 or 3 weeks, but it seemed like it changed after taking her advice. Now of course we know it’s because they are high in Magnesium, and we are usually low…
Another great post…you keep us laughing through the tears… and re-living those heart warming moments that make it all worth it! Thank you, again! ????
Oh that place. I call that place the pit. Running a marathon is also fitting. The “pit” makes me shudder. It’s a place I have had to think really hard if I want to go back to. It’s so hard and feels so endless. I think everything feels terrible when there’s any sleep deprivation involved. I have to remind myself it will get better. It will end. Then I will be sad because like you said those dual emotions. I wish I could just feel one thing at a time. It’s almost maddening to be so angry with tiny children and be sad that there won’t be anymore of them. How can that possibly be the case!? What emotion do I trust? I first ask myself if I’ve eaten in awhile. Usually the world stops ending after I get some food in me and I can think more rationally. HA. You’re doing awesome! Hang in there and give yourself GRACE. Don’t expect perfection. You are enough.
I remember “bodily fluid days”…with three toddlers there would be days when every conceivable bodily fluid would be on my shirt – pee, poop, vomit, blood, pus, tears, (mine)…you get the picture. Now my youngest is 23 and what I wouldn’t give to go back to one more bodily fluid day with a baby on my shoulder, one hanging on my leg and one making a mess on the floor. The only thing I would do differently this go-round, is laugh. Laugh my silly head off at all of it, then scoop up a child and we’d head off to the bathtub or a mud puddle…whichever. 🙂
Just love this. A marathon, indeed. You are not alone! The days are long but the years are short…and what a blessing these long, tiring days are. Take it slow, breathe it in, what goodness we have in these children, in this mess!
Love your heart, and your encouragement!
Love from Indiana!
Such a powerful post! Thank you for sharing!
Oh Shaye, I love your blog!!! As a mother of 7 in 10 years (6 living), I can so relate! My youngest, and sadly my last because of medical necessity, is currently a very stubborn 3 year old! It can be so trying, but I would not change it for the world!!!! Our families are what it is all about, and God entrusted these children to our care knowing we could handle it:). I have to remind myself to take a deep breath sometimes, to focus on what matters. Thanks for all your encouragement you share!!! We moms just need to stick together and support each other. It’s a great work we are involved in, loving and raising God’s precious children. And while the monetary pay really stinks, the pay off is the best in the whole world. A hug and an “I love you mom” makes it all worth it!
I think you would be hard pressed to find any mom who hasn’t felt this way. I have seven kids and I wish I could throw a match over my shoulder and burn up the whole mess. My little guy, 6 weeks old, has had two explosions, one was in public with a few wipes and no clean clothes. I too want to run to the hills with a bottle of wine. But I don’t drink. It is a journey full of peaks and valleys.
You are doing well momma.
Shaye, I’ve been a lurker for about 6 months now. I have six, 10 to 9ms, and we officially moved into our 1300 sf home with 3 acres in February. 5 out of 7 days a week I feel exactly like this. Somehow, (by the grace of God) I keep plugging along, knowing that this too shall pass.
I’ll be your “long distance” running partner for a few years. ☺️
I love your writing. I just had two. iI was never that bad, but there were some interesting experiences.
Thanks for taking the time to write this – it really spoke to me. I needed to hear it today. All the best. x
As a mumma of four aged four and under, this post made me laugh and cry at the same time! Sometimes it feels like you are the only one, so hearing your words made me realise, we can do this, and it is ok if the house looks like a tornado and the children looked like they haven’t been bathed ever, when it was only half an hour ago. Thank you for such a real post xx
Wow! I remember those days! So hard, but so precious. I’m struggling with the idea that I might be done. I miss the tiny stage. Our youngest (of eight ) is three next month. I can hardly believe it! Hang in there! And never, ever turn down any offers of help!????
I had six littles. Two of those littles are now married and have given me and my husband three grand littles. Life hasn’t slowed down even though my littles are not so little anymore. Hoping, praying for more grand littles. They are a blast! (I love my adult littles, too.)
“Motherhood is a Marathon” should be a tshirt. 🙂 The days do get easier (and the nights!) as they get older, even if you keep adding more babies because the older ones get more helpful. But…we still plan for an hour to get ready to go somewhere, even though #11 is three.
Wow! I cried. This is my favorite of your writings so far. So relatable, so encouraging. Thank you! I’m running the race too. We only have two so far. I wonder if I’m crazy all the time. I want more. I am crazy. Lol. It’s so wonderful and amazing but so so hard.
As a mother of 10, I feel for you. But over the years I’ve learned that there is nothing wrong with help, especially in the form of a sister, mother or friend. After doing it alone for so many years, one of the many things I learned is that family living close by or even next door can be such a blessing. Even though I’m from a large family myself, I’ve never had this and I see the difference. My husband’s family all live in a row on their street in Sicily Italy. They all helped one another in good times and bad so life didn’t always have to be so difficult. Modern times and job searches brought about much distance between family. I think if we work toward bringing our families back together, we might see how it was meant to be. My children especially see the importance of it and most of them want to live near one another. Many blessings on your new bundle!
Thank you I’m a mother of two under three and I admire your family of four. You made me laugh and you made me cry. It was truly a beautiful article and was nice to know I’m not running the marathon alone. Congratulations on your new baby girl she is beautiful! If it’s God’s will hopefully we will have at least one more. Thank you again.
Shaye, I am so glad you write about real life! I have 8 kids, 10, 10, 11, 11, 12, 12, and 2 grown kids, 22 and 24. The six littles are adopted, special needs kids. I could tell you stories about all the comments we get!
Years ago, I followed a few blogs of others, who always painted their life as perfect, which led me to feel depressed and drowning in the chaos that was my family. I had to totally stop reading those blogs, to save my sanity, and stop judging myself against them. Truth be told, I know their life wasn’t all rosey, but they never wrote about challenges or bad days.
You are wise beyond your years, you have taught me so much….and I’m almost 50!
Very well said! Old people always tell me it will get worse, which is so very helpful! ????
Thank you for sharing this. It’s great reminder for us to remember that we all have these “seasons” in our life when we have children and it’s ok. We will survive and it too “shall pass”. I am a mother of 8 (3 being adult children and now raising 5 more, ages 14, 9, 5, 2, and our newest addition that was born the same day as your little Juliette. In the past, I always felt in control for the most part and balanced as I had my older children to help out, but for once in my child rearing, I have been feeling the opposite some days. Your post encourages me to post about our journey as well. 🙂 Anyways, thank you again for sharing and I just love all of your posts!
Stay strong mama. Getting out the door with 4 eventually does get easier (and quicker) and in the meantime just tell everyone you are trying a new French lifestyle where it’s fashionable to be late. That’s what I do. 🙂
Ha! Shaye, ‘running for the hills’ is a common phrase in our household to gauge my day… Hubby: “How was your day, babe?” Me: “See those hills over there…?”
A week and a half ago, our brand new heifer calf got spooked, and I was behind here when she tried to take off…shattered my lower leg. I’m in a splint, residing mostly between bed, living room sofa, and other various chairs around the house between home PT, and doing what little I can from those “sidelines”…helping with homework, reading books with the kids, and playing board games, while hubby takes on his new role as mommy and handling all the daily farm chores. He has a full-time job he’s taking sick leave from (thank you Jesus he has so much!)
How I long to be back in the marathon, for my leg to be healed to run the race rather than for the hills. I’m thankful for the perspective Jesus is giving me in the midst of my severely limited mobility to be eager and ready to get back in it! Hang in there!
My youngest is 16 now. The other 3 are grown. The last 3 weekends, it’s been me and the dog mostly. Husband and I have been separated for 5 yrs. I am embarking on a new phase of this life journey and trying to be excited. After all, we live in exciting times and were hand picked to be alive right now. Oh, but what I would trade for the days of littles. I had a love/hate relationship with the chaos…mostly love. I know Father will bring new breathtaking things, but…those days. ????
I absolutely loved this post and can totally relate! I just had #3 also in early April (others are age 4 and 2) and I’ve been ever so in tune with your account of pregnancy and life with littles the last few months. I find myself using that marathon analogy often and trying to enjoy the beautiful crazy ride in this season of life. Cheers to you, mama 🙂
Absolutely beautiful and a great reminder. I am running the marathon with a 12, 9 and 7-yr-old right now and frankly, I seem to regret my attitude with the oldest more days than not. Middle schoolers are hard. Even more so when they are rural kids who “hate living out here” and “miss out on everything my friends are doing.” Thank you for putting me back in the right frame of mind!
I have 4 as well and this post is everything. There have been days when I question my ability to “handle” 4 kids and collasped in tears, then guilt for feeling that way, then overwhelming love.
We’ve been in a good place for a couple weeks but I can totally feel the storm brewing again, as school and fall sport start again.
Oh sister mama farmer friend! I love how you just poured it all out in these words. Love it! And Amen!
XO!!!