I wasn't always this person. But don't remind me of that.
A decade ago – I was much, much different. Those of you who have read my testimony (part two here) can… well… attest to that. I'm not going to tell you who I was because I don't want you to know her.
But this past weekend we sat around with my brother-in-law (Hey Jer!), reminiscing of times past over grilled summer vegetables and a few glasses of wine. We laughed remembering our younger years – a time that was much more free. Oh, we had no idea how free we were! Hopping from town to town, taking weekend trips on a whim, hitting up all the concerts, spending way too much money on sushi and beer – oh, what a time. Jerry had just dusted off a stack of old scrapbooks littered with photographs of our old clan, years before marriage and kids and moving – I imagine there were far fewer wrinkles and worried lines back then.
Conversation drifted, as it tends to, to our fateful meeting at that bar a decade ago. Yes, we met at a bar. And even worse than that? I had a boyfriend… and a serious one. One I'd devoted years of my life to. One that I had intended to settle down with and raise a family with.
And then there was Stuart.
When this circumstance was brought up in our conversation, I could feel the prickles come up my spine. It's never been a memory that I love to wallow in. I don't wish to be reminded of the girl I once was.
Who was she anyway?
The desperate part of me wanted to shout “No! Don't! Don't remind me of what I've done and who I used to be. Don't remind me of her. She's a turd.” I don't wish to be reminded, particularly by someone from my past, of something I've said… or something I've done… or who I used to be.
She seems like a different person – living in a different world. I don't remember what it was like to think her thoughts and feel her emotions. It wasn't until after meeting the Elliott brothers at that bar that I became a Christian – the type of Christian to profess a saving faith, by God's grace, through the work of my Lord, Christ Jesus. My old self was cast aside.
Sanctification isn't that easy, unfortunately, and she continues to bubble up more often than I'd care to welcome her. But still, the Lord now holds my heart and I am glad he “delights to draw His straight lines with crooked sticks.” Hint: the crooked stick is me.
The night was calm – crickets sang and a lone chicken far away continued to make herself known. The air was still and just barely touched by fall's sting. The house smelt of smoke from the grill and pork chop and peach juices mingled on the supper plates. I sat there, running my fingers along the edge of my now empty wine glass, listening to stories of her, I began to formulate in my mind what I wanted to say to the world (not the boys… they've heard it all): Don't remind me! Don't bring it up, don't talk about it, don't remember.
But then.
But then I remembered that the dirt that soils my history, those relationships I should have handled differently, those actions I shouldn't have taken, the words I shouldn't (or should) have said, the surplus of horrible decisions I made – those are what make grace so amazing.
Instead of saying “Don't remind me of the sins of my past!”, I can joyfully proclaim: “Yes, that is my history. But let me tell you what God has done for me!”
Paul, the apostle, used to murder Christians. Imagine his story – God brought him from the depths of his sin to a new life. A place of forgiveness. Paul's past is what makes God's work in him, and through him, extraordinary.
And so I sat (and poured a wee bit more into the wine glass). I didn't say a thing because I soon realized that I didn't need to argue against my past self. Rather, I needed to delight that God forgives for Jesus' sake. I needed to delight in the fact that he brought me from a place of death and destruction to a place of mercy.
By God's grace, this past decade of life has brought with it maturity and wisdom. Sanctification is a painfully slow process, but it's progress none-the-less. And I can truthfully say that I'm thankful for her. She allows me to experience the depths of God's forgiveness. And I'd rather experience that than any form of a perfect history.
“God loves you just the way you are, but too much to leave you there.”
Eyahna Smith
I can totally relate. Amen sister! This is the path that many of us walk. Praise the Lord.
Kim
Beautiful, and just what I needed to hear today. Thank you!
Deb B
Thanks, once again Shaye! Looking back myself, there’s much I don’t care to remember either, but the way you put it is wonderful! I’ll have to remind myself when those memories come back, that those days are gone, and forgiven…and you found Stuart, and your faith. What more could you want? ( well, besides a home full of babies and a farm full of animals!)????
Shaye Elliott
Thank YOU for your kind words. <3
Andrea
Inspirational words for those struggling with their past selves (hint: me). Thank you for sharing this post with us, Shaye. God is Good…Jesus is the Key!
char
Thanks Shaye,,, written straight to our forgiven hearts.
Carrie
beautiful…. thank you.
Aubrey
This made me weep… such truth. I’m a sucker for “but look what God did” stories. You are loved…
Kay
And amen!
Lori S
Beautiful Shaye! All of us have a “her” in our past before Jesus. I’m thankful for the cross today and everyday. Thankful that what was is no longer and that his forgiveness is what marks us now. Miss you sweet friend and so thankful that you share your heart so openly and honestly!
Jolie Hauff
Brilliant Shaye! You always amaze me and move me in some way! I too have a “her” I try to forget, but after reading that, maybe I dont need to. Maybe I should just praise God for not letting me continue to be her and for allowing me to be forgiven and closer to him.
Erika
You are not alone in feeling this way. I had my conversion to Christ through my husband as well. The difference was night and day for me. It was so hard to find my way without the Light. Thank you, Jesus! Blessings on you and yours!
Margie
Shaye,
A beautifully written, honest post. Thank you for placing yourself in such a vaunerable place to reach others!
Buffy
I am amazed at how many times I will read something from you and think that it was written just for me. Thank you.
Allison
I think we can all look back on who we once were. Even as someone who was “saved” at a young age, it wasn’t until even a few years ago that I really started to know who I was in Christ. Looking back can be painful but freeing to as we can say, “Look what the Lord has done.” Thanks for always sharing your heart so freely!
Lea
Shaye as I read your testimony and this post, it just came to me, the more dirt we have in our past, the deeper our roots can go when we become His. Those of us who have been forgiven much, have much to give! So let’s let Him compost all that old dirt so our roots can go deeper and fruit be richer for those others still wandering in their own ways. Lord knows we all need some Elliott Brothers to give us a piece of fruit that’s not full of worms and rotten in the middle!
Thank you for sharing, reading this was like eating fresh-picked tomatoes while sweating and weeding in the garden…juicy and nourishing refreshment!
Jaimie Ramsey
Just a few minutes ago, doing my Bible reading for today (1 John 3) I was saying to myself that I understand grace now so much better than even just a few years ago. I was baptized as a baby so I can say I’ve been a Christian my whole life… but it’s only been in the last four or so years that I’ve really been able to live fully in God’s grace, not wallowing in my sin and self-pity. Only as I’ve matured have I come to understand that sin isn’t my defining characteristic. Love is–and all, only, because of Jesus. Because I am a child of God.
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I think we all have similar ones. What amazing things God has done in our lives! And we can point to them and say, “Look what God did.”
You are loved, friend.
Barbara A McKinley
Oh my, how I relate……you told this in such a powerful way! You are such a beautiful person Shaye and God is so good all the time and it’s always in His timing! Thank you for sharing ♥
Rhiannon
Reading about you life and how you were able to change through Christ makes me so much for comfortable and giving me good faith that mine will work out as well. I’m in college now, but my entire high school career something I am not proud of, but I’m glad to know that part of my life is over. This post inspires me so much to keep pursuing the change I crave. Thank you!
Terri
You just touched my heart and soul. Thank you so much. Feel exactly the same way. So very blessed to be forgiven.
Candi
Thanks for having the courage to blog about your faith.
I feel as Christians it is important to speak the truth….. I love to speak about cows, pigs, rabbits and everything farm – but at the end of the day I must speak about my Savior.
Sending Love,
Cj
Adrianne
This is good. There is a young lady I’m really feeling convicted to talk to and encourage in this area. This is a good read to help me understand the “other side” with compassion. Thank you!
Shaye Elliott
Thank YOU for reading! We appreciate our readers!
Clair Russell
I don’t think we appreciate grace until we are a little older and realize where we have come from and what we could have been without the Lord. Great post! Thanks, Shaye.
David Lindner
Thanks so much for sharing. If we weren’t all blemished, there would be no need for grace. It’s not always easy to let the past go!
Shepherd's Handmaiden
I am new to this blog and am thoroughly enjoying it. I just read your testimony and this post. And I wanted to say…. THANK YOU for sharing. This is what I needed to hear! (Or read, rather…) God is such a good God!
Shaye Elliott
Thank you for your kind words and for being an awesome reader of my ole’ blog. 🙂
Rose
LOVE THIS. <3 <3 <3
Mike S.
You wrote a very self revealing blog. Many times I have thought of what it would be like to go back to that former self and tell them what life would be like in the future. It would probably give my former self a big laugh !! I might have even changed directions back then that would have altered my life today, which would have ruined everything I have today.
It has turned out to be a wonderful life for you and me. Age and wisdom really do make a difference. As I contemplate retirement I am finding out that I will soon be free again to do what I would like to do as in my youth.
Youth is wasted on the young. – George Bernard Shaw
Tara
Yes. Yes. Oh, and yes. ♥️ Thank God for Grace and even “HER” I once knew.