What to say. Oh, what to say. More often than not, my words fail me (hence the need to type them out once my brain has had a chance to connect with my tongue).
A few months back, my husband took the pulpit to preach to our small, faithful congregation that meets each Sunday morning at 10:00am. I've seen these faces every Sunday for the past decade+ of my life and watched all of our lives mold, change, twist, and turn, as life causes them to.
This particular Sunday, Stuart touched on God's word and the proper ways to bring it to those who are grieving and to those who are broken hearted. Proper way? I didn't know there was such a thing. After all, it is God's word? How could it ever be improper to bring it to someone in any context?
Turns out, that wasn't his point.
What was his point was was carefully choosing which of those words actually brings comfort. Carefully choosing what to say.
Eight months ago, but a week before our little Juliette Ruth entered the word, a young couple we've known for years had to bury their five day old baby.
Three years ago, our friend had to bury her husband of only three weeks after he lost his battle to cancer.
Just a few months ago, a dear friend of mine had to bury her younger brother.
Yet another lost touch with her daughter who disowned her after a disagreement.
Yet another lost his love.
And yet another.
And another.
Look around you. Don't you see them? Don't you see the broken hearted? Don't you see the tired… the weary… the jaded… the hopeless? I see them. I see them everywhere. I see people who are trying to make sense of twisted world views, corrupt systems, natural disasters, evil intent, abuse, addiction, sin.
I believe in total depravity, so I don't have to ask why these things are. I know why – and I know how the story ends.
But what about in the meanwhile? What do we say to the broken hearted? How do we actually comfort those around us – or perhaps even ourselves – when we're faced with the unthinkable pain that is life?
Stuart encouraged our congregation to not bring people to God's word. Sayings like “God's in control.” and “He has a plan.” are good and true, no doubt. But what comfort do they bring? What comfort does it bring me to know that God has a plan, when in the moment, I'm bleeding?
I see people I love hurting. What do I say?
Stu encouraged the congregants (preaching through Job) to bring God's word to people. To reinstate God's promises to them… and to lay those promises at their feet.
We have to be careful with the way we offer comfort to those who are
suffering. It might be true enough that God works all things together for
good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose. But
how might that be taken by someone in the throws of suffering? Things
aren’t working out good for them at the moment. Does that mean they don’t
love God enough? Does that mean they aren’t called according to his
purpose? I think sometimes it might be more wise to avoid trying to provide
profound insight or that golden explanatory verse to people in great grief
and suffering. Job’s two confessions are true, The Lord gives and the Lord
takes away, Shall we not receive good from God and not evil also? But to
come to someone who as suffered loss, maybe of a loved one or even their
own child, to tell them that the Lord gave and the Lord took away isn’t your
place. It is significant here to realize that Job is the one who is able to say
these words. God gave him the grace to come to this truth and confess it.
And that is probably what is best for us to allow God to do for people in
their suffering. He will bring them to these great truths and usually He will do
it in retrospect and reflection (not in their raw grief). Some of the best advice
I have gotten about bringing scripture to bear on people who are suffering
has been to avoid analytic, systematic texts that require time in reflection,
time in processing, time to grow and to heal and instead offer to those in
their grief verses that bring God directly to them or take them directly to
God. So instead of saying “You know all things work together for good.”, say
instead, “Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you.” Say to them,
“The Lord is ever near to those who be of broken spirit.”
God comforts the broken hearted. Say that. Tell them that the Lord is near.
It may be that the dark night of suffering and trials never quite ends for
some people this side of glory. But for the Christian there is the hope of
resurrection morning and we get a glimmer of this hope from Job, who in
the midst of his suffering says these words in Chapter 19 – “For I know that
my Redeemer lives, and at the last He will stand upon the earth, and after
my skin has been thus destroyed, yet in my flesh I shall see God.”
And Amen.
Morgan
Stuart is so wise! Several years ago my oldest was diagnosed with terminal cancer (praise the Lord the doctors were wrong and she is alive and well today) and my husband and I were surrounded by well meaning people who tried to comfort us. We joked once that we could write a book about what not to say. A preacher friend sent us a text that was just a bible verse-and it was perfect. It provided so much comfort & hope-because it was straight from God! I now do the same when someone I know is hurting. I have a little book of my favorite verses that I share with the broken hearted bc Gods words are always right!
Cori
Wow so helpful. I never know what to say to people in serious pain, I usually don’t say anything or try to be “normal”. Or talk about light non serious things. But this is so wise and makes a lot of sense.
Liz rentell
I don’t think there are any words that you can say to someone who is recently bereaved without actually causing more pain….just being there( without platitudes) and being of practical help when appropriate is more worthwhile and helpful than words which can actually hurt….even if YOU think you are saying the right thing.
Crystal
Thank you. A ministry leader at my old church just passed away yesterday, and I got word that a friend’s mom died today. My heart is heavy, but I know theirs are breaking. Right now, I feel very impotent. Then I got this post as an email. Thank you for reminding me to point them toward God.
Maxine
This is so lovely and meaningful and needed. I think people avoid being around the broken hearted as much as possible because of this very thing… they don’t know what to say. Why is it we feel we have to say anything that would possibly be healing when we really can’t. Really just a hug and a hand holding is super comforting.
I remember when my father passed away, some things people said were not comforting at all and even a bit irritating. Perhaps it was because I was so raw emotionally and perhaps I was still processing it all. Perhaps my world view and my view of death were much different than theirs. What meant the most of a sentiment from far away friends and the hugs of family and friends. Time & prayer had to take care of the rest.
Connie
Thank you for sharing this.
This old GMa
Amen Stuart!
It’s a process to understand Job. I lost my Mom, and my family imploded, my husband (and best friend) had a heart attack, then he had a huge aortic aneurism (they gave him a 2% chance to survive but he lived), I lost a beloved friend to cancer (he waited until we arrived at his bedside to say goodbye), then our house burned to the ground and we lost everything, another beloved friend fought valiantly and lost to cancer, our business was nearly bankrupt by the recession , then I had breast cancer (and found there are moments of deep consolation when you yield). I agree with Stuart that there is a profound difference between what we can say about our own suffering and what others can say to us. In the deepest pit, friends come to share philosophies (like Job’s friends) but it is not comforting because you’re struggling to just hang on to faith. There is no comfort except that that comes directly from God. It is enough to say “I know that my redeemer lives”. And in despair you say, “Though He may slay me, yet will I trust Him”.
The entire answer is to look up. Who HE IS is the answer. Not why I must suffer.
I agree: gently and in deep humility, reassure the sufferer that God will never leave them or forsake them. And then after a while they will see that weeping endured for a night but joy came in the morning. Over a lifetime of weeping, you see that joy always comes and there is no darkness without His light. “Though you make your bed in hell, behold, He is there.”
Tammy
Thank you for your insight. So many know not what to say. I live constantly on both sides of grief, so to speak. I’m a Clergywoman who cares for others in times of deep need, a Woman who has suffered innumerable tragedies in my family, and one who lives with chronic, progressive, degenerative illness and cancer. I’ve officiated the funerals and sat bedside vigil for hundreds at the end of life, worked a suicide hotline, ministered to the poorest of the poor in Africa and Appalachia, kept women safe in a domestic violence shelter, helped sexually abused children heal in residential care. This is what I know for sure: saying nothing says, via silence, that you don’t care and can’t handle their grief – tell the brokenhearted just that, “I don’t know what to say but I want to be with you in your grief the best way I am able” and let them take it from there; quoting scripture will only be of comfort to someone who found comfort in it before their grief and/or shares your Christian faith background- this is not a time to proselytize or presume someone believes as you do – share in a way that says, “I’ve always found comfort in my faith, even when I’m doubting it, may I share a verse that I find comforting.” Hope that helps at least a little. Sharing your own doubts, grief, dismay and utter helplessness is not a sign of weakness, it’s a gift of humanity that proclaims, “We are all created in God’s image, no matter the mess we’re in, but none of us has to walk the journey alone.” That is the Hope and Promise of the Gospel…..Christ in two shoes….yours and mine!
Stephanie
This is such beautiful and useful advice. I’ve found that sometimes “I’m so sorry”, a hug, and a shoulder to cry on are more than enough.
Teresa Curtis
This is right on. I have a speaker and minister from Westside in Bend, OR who wrote several books while struggling through her husbands diagnosis of ALS. Thought it might interest you. Her name is Bo Sterns and her first book I “The Battlefield”. She also has a blog and shared her journey. Her and Steve, her husband have an amazing story.
Eliza
Having lost both my parents within three months of each other, I was numb with grief. I think the two worst responses I received from well meaning friends and co workers were–1. not acknowledging the loss and pain and 2. saying that he/she is “in a better place.” When you lose someone you love, you feel an emptiness in your heart that will never be filled with anything else because nothing can replace them. Nothing. Your world as you knew it is forever changed. That hole in your heart is always there. You go through all the stages of grief and in time you learn to live again. Your sorrow is there but you can still feel joy and gratitude for the time you had with them. However, those who are grieving need to be given the time and space to grieve. In my personal experience, the best thing you can say to a grieving person is simply—“I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. What can I do to help?” In my personal experience the best thing you can DO is to manifest your faith by your actions. Instead of quoting Bible verses, spend time with them and ask them questions about their deceased loved one—give them a safe space to talk about the person. Bring them a healthy lunch—food is very grounding. Invite them for a cup of coffee and a chat—that reminds them they are part of a social group—part of the living. I remember going out with a friend after work for some dinner and in the course of conversation, a giggle erupted from my throat. I remember how it took me aback. I thought—“I can laugh. I can still feel joy.” It was surprising to me, but it gave me hope that I would emerge from this grief. That friend took me out of my grief momentarily and that was a great gift.
Know this too——when a person is suffering from a personal loss–someone very dear to them—it can take up to two years for
the grief process to run its course. When outsiders expect you to be OK sooner, it puts more pressure on the brokenhearted. If you care about someone who has suffered loss—put your love into action and honor the time and space they need.
Steve
I find this very helpful. I often find myself struggling with what to say in difficult times. I have been blessed abundantly. I am thankful, yet because of it I often feel inadequate when speaking with someone who is bereaved. I am grateful for the insight.
Brandy
Thank you so much for writing this. Just last night my husband confessed to me his infidelity and I am deeply heartbroken. Your words (and Stuart’s) have really made a difference.
Brooke
Yes, your words could not have come at a better time, our dear friend lost her son this week, and I am always at a loss at how to comfort them or what or what not to say. So thank you… your posts are always wonderful for me! Like therapy! Thank you!
Jennifer
Wow, what a power message. Thank you for sharing this insight and perspective. I should not have read this at work as now I am teary eyed!
Andrea
So, so true. Thank you for sharing. A few years ago we had some friends go through unspeakable loss. I heard so many people say over and over how it was all a part of God’s plan. Really? I do not know of a single verse that says He planned for us to live in a fallen, broken world where we would experience such hurt and loss. But the whole Bible is the story of His promise that He has a redemptive plan, and that He is near while we wait for that plan to be fulfilled. Hurting people, in fact, the whole world, needs to hear these promises. We do not need to have our pain dismissed as part of a plan. We need to see the tear-stained face of the Savior as He weeps with us in our grief and longs to draw us near. Thank you for the reminder of that truth.
Autumn
Love it! Your man hit it head on. The heart of God. Thanks for sharing.
Dawn
I find myself unable to move forward, beyond the devastation of losing my sweet mother and then less than 3 months later losing my husband. My family was small to start with and losing the two closest to me has left me flailing, lost and unable to focus. I have never, in my life, felt so alone! I never realized how much I took a hug for granted until I had no one to hug….a simple hug can change someones day. I have learned that the only thing that helps lessen the pain is time, time for the wound to scab over. But oh to just have a hug from someone that cares, God knows I miss that. So, I would add that along with those verses of comfort you lovingly wrap your arms around those that have lost (sometimes the only ones they ever had) bringing them a moment of human interaction. A moment where (at least for me) you can exhale.
May God bless those of us that are lost, broken, hurting and alone, especially during the holidays, which can make that void all the more….
Kelley
Watching my mother in law lose her battle to cancer this summer and leave behind her children and her grandson (my baby) this post may be the best post you’ve ever written. People don’t know what to say especially if they’ve never experienced it and this is beautiful. Thank you for the words.
joanna
This has been helpful, really helpful and started the wheels turning on how to further my ability to comfort those suffering. I always seem to have my foot in my mouth. So I came across this amazing blog post http://www.betterthaneden.com/2014/01/scriptures-for-miscarriage it is specific for miscarriages but I think the verses could be applied to so many different cases
Indonesia farmer
Amen.
I love Elliot Homestead, your family’s awesome way for living this life, and especially your writings and views..
Happy New Year !!
And
Thank you ????????
Kelly
So timely. Last night my teen daughter learned that a boy she had dated briefly just over a year ago has passed away. He was at a boarding school, one she had worried about aloud to their friends was not a good place for him. There is no word yet as to what happened, which is not good. I barely know what to say to my daughter who had lost this boy once in a breakup and had grieved terribly, and now there is this loss of the worst kind for everyone. Thank you for your deeply thoughtful post, Shaye. Blessings.