I threw my hands and words up to heaven like a maniac.
Lord, you don't know what it's like! Your son was obedient! You told him to go die on a cross and he listened. I'm asking mine to stop wiping poop on the walls and he can't even manage that!
I felt stupid as soon as the words came out of my mouth, but I said them none the less. These days, I seem to be taking that “it's better to be hot or cold than lukewarm” verse a little too far. I'm sure the Lord appreciates honesty. But disrespectful anger and questioning? Possibly not so much…
Regardless, there I found myself. Again.
Angry. Frustrated. Drowning in a sea of princess dresses, half eaten banana peels, and sour attitudes. There was 3 different varieties of fecal matter smeared on my jeans – some human, some not. I'd just burnt the potatoes I was cooking for lunch. A certain unnamed hobbit was testing the boundaries of obedience, or lack there of, and another unnamed princess was sure to yell and scream at him to put him right.
By the way, this went down on Georgia's 5th birthday. And this was before someone took a sneaky handful out of the cake.
Most days, most moments, I can handle it. The constant cleaning. The constant bickering. The constant “That's not fair! You're being mean!” (Yes, believe it or not, even my angelic children mutter such words).
So sorry I didn't allow you to eat chocolate for breakfast. You're right. I'm a terrible mother.
The truth of the matter is that I am a terrible mother at times. I lose my temper far too often. Some woman cry when they react to stress or emotions. I don't. I get angry. I'm selfish with my time. I don't want to pour another sippy cup of milk. I don't want to clean up the bathroom mess. I don't want to take the time to explain for the zillionth time why we're not allowed to hit… or bite… or smear food on the windows.
Is it too much to ask that my children act like adults?!
Ha. See how ridiculous ‘the consequence of my ideas' are? The fact is they ARE children. They ARE learning. And… well… that's messy.
Messy is an understatement. As one of my favorite authors says, frankly, it's a “bloodbath”.
… and yet.
These past few weeks, after learning that a fourth child would be coming, I've been ever more aware of this bloodbath. And what it means for our family.
90% of the time, when I tell people we're expecting our fourth child, I get the looks of sympathy.
Oh man… you're in for it now…
Why, on God's green earth, would you choose to do that to yourselves?
Do you have no dignity left?!
Believe it or not, my goal is not make this process as easy for myself as possible, because clearly if it was, I would never would have had children in the first place. My goal is not to ship my children off to be raised somewhere else. My goal is to be foundational to their upbringing, being all up in their biznass. I want them by my side… where I can teach them, encourage them, pray for them, and correct them.
You know what this means? It means my life and home roughly resemble a circus that's been set on fire. And sometimes it means I'm going to get angry at them.
But if my goal was ease, I wouldn't be doing 99% of what I'm doing.
There certainly would be no farming – no animals, no gardening.
There'd be no homeschooling.
There'd be no disciplining. No correction. No catechizing.
The path of ease has no children. I can tell you that right now. And as much as I love date nights, quiet moments of rest, not changing diapers, not washing 1,294 articles of clothing every day, not breaking up childhood fights, not dealing with selfish attitudes, not negotiating bites of food, not washing vomit/poo/drool off the couches, and not pulling chunks of God-only-knows-what out of the bathroom drain… well, that's not exactly the life the Lord has for me.
The life he chose for me includes moments of complete, raw weakness in which I shout to the heavens “Can't you see I'm failing! I'm still failing! Just stop! Quit trying to teach me this lesson… I won't ever get be able to do it! This life is driving me CRAZY!!!!”
Ya'll. You can't make this stuff up.
And yet, despite my selfish, imperfect, angry, and unfocused ways – the Lord still gave us another child. His work in me is not done. His work in our family is not done.
I don't want sympathy. I don't want pity. I don't want ease (okay, fine, sometimes I do.)
But what I want more than those things is to glorify God in the way I raise my children. And drive them continually, over and over, time and time again, day after day, to the foot of the cross, where they'll find me on my knees, seeking God's continual and never failing love and mercy.
And what better way to show them that than to really be there?
I am now the mother of four children. And I'm proud of that.
A reader kindly reminded me that “Take it one day at a time!” doesn't cut it in these little years. Rather, we must take it one second – sometimes one millisecond – at a time.
And each of those seconds, I must remind myself that I am a loved child of an Almighty God who sent his only, perfect Son to die in my place, for my sin, so that I could be reunited with a God so holy, to be in his presence is to be in complete and total perfection.
If that isn't selfless love, well, I quit yesterday.
I'd count it a success to love my children one zillionth of the amount the Lord loves his children. Even when they're angry and shout things like maniacs to the heavens.
And Amen.
More posts on Motherhood:
- Mastitis and Moss
- Don’t Remind Me of Her
- Wrinkles and Chin Hair
- Post Pregnancy Body
- Stay at Home Mom
- Feeling Beautiful
Dana
Oh I am so where you are! Only we are expecting our fifth. There are a lot of tears (mine), a lot of prayers and thankfully, a lot of grace. I thank the good Lord for not being done with me (or you!), I also thank Him for my lovely Christian mentor, she has kept me together these last few months. Hang in there! ?
Leeloo
Five days ago I gave birth to our fourth child, she only lived an hour. I could really go for easy right now and I have definitely shouted angry shouts at God. We, too, homeschool so therefore my children have seen every bit of their mother’s humanness, no escaping that crazy during the typical school hours, but I hope they see me at the foot of the cross too, as much, if not more than my anger and humanness. I am the mother of four (we got many comments about that too) and even knowing what I know now, I would do it a million times over.
kariann
I’m so so sorry. We lost our 4th baby when he was 3 days old this April. I still have hard days..I look for signs of him in they sky and around me more now though. I would do it all over again too:)
Shaye Elliott
Kariann, my heart weeps for you hearing this. Please know you’ll be in my prayers. I can only fathom the pain, and the beauty, of such a short and precious life. Words fail me… but I’m praying the Lord will surround you with his tender mercies!
SAhMmelier
Beautifully written and wise. Thank you for this. We all fall short…as people, as moms, as Christians. And yet he meets us with grace, unmerited grace. We need also to give it to ourselves as we give it to our children. We are all growing, it is messy and exhausting and overwhelming at times. And yet, sleep comes…they are quiet and beautiful. They are replenishing their bodies; we see their faces and that replenishes our souls. And we do it again. Thank you for this.
Stephanie
Oh, I hate it for ya. I am there more often than I’d like to even admit. And I too don’t cry–I get angry. Which is very very bad for the stress level, and why I probably now, at 40 and after many years of angry reactions, have Grave’s disease, an auto immune hyperthyroid. So I am having to trust God to fight my battles for me now. Stress is an ugly thing on the body.
Brenda
And remember too…. that pregnancy hormones will pass….. BREATHE….. relax and enjoy these days too! Believe me they pass all too quickly. I know that sounds cliche’ but it’s so true. My oldest is 27, my youngest is 8. I’ve read your blog long enough to know you consider them blessings beyond measure! God is good!! Hugs from one mom to another.
Emily
Beautifully put Shaye! Being God led in not only your parenting but also your number of children is so important! Love your honesty and the way you glorify God in your posts!
Rebecca
One of the best/worst things about parenting: the humility it brings. Never have I been more challenged that, though I try my darnedest, I have no control over so very many things in this life. But my God has got it. And he hugs us mamas tight as we occasionally curl up in little balls in the corner. I jest… Kind of. 🙂
Jessica
Trying to remind myself of all these things today. I’m a little further down the road (15 year old son, and two daughters, 13 and 8) and still I find myself clueless, weary and overwhelmed. Praying we will all “not become weary at doing good.”
Megan S
Yes, I don’t often cry, but get angry also …then I beat myself up over that too. Ugh! BUT, thank you for putting your imperfections and stories out there for us. Often I feel like I live in a bubble of motherhood and it is hard to see (or believe) other moms have the same struggles. So, THANK YOU for bursting my bubble each time you share about your family and making me feel a little more normal 🙂
Katie @twothirdscup
I admire your faith, courage, and determination!
Haley
this is exactly where I am, minus the fourth baby on the way. People tell me my kids will only be young once, and to enjoy them. And I definitely do. But then there are all those kid moments such as tantrums and fighting and constant sickness and it’s hard and I too lose patience. God humbles me every day with my kids and continues to tweak my perspective on life. Thank you for sharing. This really hit home today!
Megan
I can’t even tell you how grateful I am that there is someone in this world that I genuinely look up to and is dealing with similar internal struggles. We’re going to have #3 and I was NOT ready for it. Ya think ya have everything under control for once and God’s like, “nope!”
Hang in there, you’re going to be amazing! And hopefully I’ll follow in your footsteps!
Lindsey
One friend shared this with me, “The years are short but the days are oh so LONG.”
Dessica
IT GETS BETTER!!!! I promise you it does. We are in the process of adopting 5 and 6 and I promise you 4 will be easier than 2 or even 3. I grew up in a family of 10 children and I was one of the top and I saw it there too. My first 2 about did me in, now that oldest 11 year old is a shining example to myself that I can be a total mess, having raised my voice and been more inpatient more than they deserved (even while telling myself in my head to JUST SHUT UP) and they will turn out just fine; the children will be fine :0)
Janet
Right there with you, I needed this today!
We have 21 and 23 year old, and were crazy enough to do it all over again with 6 China adoptions. I love our farm life (farmer’s for just one year), but it ain’t easy!
Homeschool? you said in your post. I know Georgia went 1/2 day with hubby last year, so you’ve decided to homeschool? First I’ve seen this mentioned on your blog. Excited for you, have homeschooled over 15 years, and can’t even think of life any other way=)
Kate
Shaye, I just love you! I love your raw, authentic honesty in your posts. It is hard, this raising of children. There are so many days I lose my temper at them. I have 4 little men and homeschool and am starting a farm. I just try to remember (often too late) that I need to ask God to help me through this minute, hour, day. Because if it was up to me…well.. FAIL! So, don’t lose heart. Your doing a great job mama! And Happy Birthday to Miss Georgia!
Rebekah
Three children was the hardest for me. It really does get easier once your eldest is 6-7. And something magical happens when one or two of them are 7-8. They become a huge help and the littles want to be just like them.
Having five now is easier for me than it was having 2 under 2. Now they are all 8 and under. You’re going to do great. Pregnancy itself and postpartum is the hardest for me. I learned my lesson and did hardly anything for 4 weeks postpartum this time around. I’m a slow learner. Freezer meals and plenty of pre-made bone broth pulled us through. And many times…lunch was some beef sticks, Jacksons Honest Chips, fruit and cheese (they are home all day/homeschool). I did plenty of homeschooling while lying in bed in the later months to keep my strength up. I rotated around during the day but made myself lie down a few times a day.
Barb
Shaye, thank you for being so real:) We have four children, a nine year old boy, and triplet girls age 6. It is crazy here sometimes and I also lose my temper more than I would like to admit. But, I love having four. To watch them play in pairs and run together to play a game brings joy to my heart. Like you often say, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m praying for you that God would give you all you need and that you would continue to turn to Him. Blessings to you this day!!
Carol
Hi Shaye
Where did you get those cute little people on the cake, please? See, you make adorable cakes too. Love the chunk taken out of it. It’s still cute. I had to learn not to sweat the small stuff, but it all adds up. You’re doing a great job. Life is HARD. Keep doing what you’re doing. My babies are 28 & 30. So wish I had them home again. “The years are short but the days are oh so LONG.” SO TRUE.
Wanda
Hi Shaye,
You may not know me personally but you blog touched my heart because I so clearly remember “those days”:) My first 4 littles were only 1 year apart so my hands were full and I could share many crazy stories as well and the tears etc . But now my littles are grown up and married and our 12th child is now 9..time flies. I look back and all those days are such treasured memories. Some day you will remember them as a treasure as well. Good advice to take one moment at a time and do enjoy them. The little grow up so fast. I want to give you vision of how they grow up and they become the best friends you’ll ever have …I so treasure and enjoy the friendship I have with my married daughters and their precious children:) I really do feel sorry for the people who decide its too much work and only have 1 or 2 because they are missing out of so many delights later in life:) Keep courage..not every day will be easy but know children remember the moments you laughed with them, the moments you played with them, the moments you read to them….they do not remember if the house was clean or dirty , they do not remember you burnt the food…Enjoy! Enjoy! You are blessed!!!
Praying God gives you physical, mental and spiritual joy and strength in your busy days!!
Wanda
Denise Watson
Oh my, been there done all of that!! LOL My boys are 28,25,15. All I can say is this to shall pass, (and something else will come up) but have faith, because some days that’s all that will get us through!! Oh and by the way you are NOT a terrible mother. :))
Ann Pieta
My hubby & I are in the 55+ category now, and just wanting to say how encouraging it is to read your posts, comments, etc. I have even shared a few links of articles I felt would encourage some of the couples with young families on Fb that we are friends with. Why is it so encouraging . . . ? It’s like remembering this season of life with all the grit, gut-wrenching faith & heartache that goes along with it, and saying with you, yes, a thousand times yes! Even on days when it’s just putting one foot in front of the other, there’s a sense of the Lord’s presence, His leading, His great could of witnesses, of many through the ages cheering us on. He never wastes anything either. Just keep listening for His voice, and He’ll keep unfolding the plan. And love those little ones hard & good! Bless you amazing women!!
Ann Pieta
. . . oops, meant “cloud” of witnesses!
Sarah
A couple days ago I totally yelled/screamed at my kids after asking them very patiently for the 17th time to be quiet while the baby was trying to go to sleep–as if THAT would not reach the baby’s ears! It could have been a voiceover for Gollum in a rage. I felt so stupid after I’d done it, and went to ask them for forgiveness, of which they gave so easily. I’m thankful God uses our failings as opportunities for grace!
julie
Shaye,
I truly wish I had had your writings 25 years ago, . . . When I was raising my 5 sons, teenagers to toddlers. The oldest died in a car wreck 19 years ago, the next, with our only grandchildren has declared he doesn’t want a relationship with me right now, (he and another have chosen atheism) and 2 love me unconditionally along with my blessed husband. . . . They are angry that I made them go to church with us, got in their biznass as they were being swept away with the world, and wanted them by my side so I could teach them, discipline them and love them unconditionally. (We homeschooled when it wasn’t so encouraged.) I’m sure I would have savored every word then, as I am now, Thank You.
I’m still on my knees for them and know the Lord is with me, teaching me, disciplining me and always LOVING me, and them. Keep doing what you’re doing with the same committment and I’ll see you on the other side with an AMEN.
Vickie
HI Shaye. I just want to tell you how glad I am that you are raising your children to know God. You are a blessed woman and I’m sure you are a better mom than you give yourself credit for. We live on a small farm with chickens, horses and dogs. We’re trying to grow our own vegetables. My three children are all grown with children of their own. My husband works a full time job and is Pastor of a Cowboy Church (missionoutreachcc.org) where we hold services in my brother-in-laws barn that is located between both our houses. I stay at home and take care of things around here and help with the church while my husband is at work. It is a very busy time. I will be praying for you. Your faith in God and knowing where you will spend eternity and teaching your children about God so they will be there with you is the most important part of being a mother. God Bless You.
Alauree
Shaye, I catch your blog month at a time and then read all the posts at once. I appreciate your candor about your messy home and messy kids and doubts that you have out about parenthood. I see other young moms agreeing with you and older moms encouraging you. I appreciate that as well. I, on the other hand, want to share a different perspective…. of the non-mom.
Oh yes, some of you are scared of me when I see your messy haired boogery children, some are envious of my freedom, and even judgmental. For sure the grass is greener over here! I admit it! When I am not working full time as a care giver I am a part time homemaker as God has called me to be. When my husband goes to work on my day off I clean the house, harvest and prep food. Since my husband is not a believer I listen to sermons and worship music at this time only. It is great! I get so much done and then four hours later I sit down and I enjoy the neatness.
For four more hours it is silent. I grow weary of the voices coming from the box so I turn it off. I am alone because in 10 years I have never been pregnant and my husband does not want to adopt. It used to never bother me but lately it has, a lot. Shaye, when I read your post about baby #4 I actually balled my eyes out. That’s never happened before. I asked God what was wrong with me? Not physical diagnosis wrong, but with me- my soul/ spirit/ inner most being/ who I am- that he wouldn’t entrust me with a gift that so many others have been given? I realized I was grieving. The holy spirit reminded me of what I needed to know in that moment. I am thankful that I don’t live in a time or culture when my worth is measured through number of children. I absolutely appreciate the alone time and freedom with my husband. We have matured together and love each other more now than our wedding day. I get to see how God works in his life, he has gone from agnostic to full blown Theist! 😉
As I stand on my green I look over at you moms and I do see it for what it is. I notice two things (other than boogers and broken eggs on pillows.) 1) The moms who dwell on my clean house and envy my tight bod are wasting their time being judgmental. They have the time to spend doing this because they are not spending their precious and fleeting time building the character of their children. They don’t want to hear my words of encouragement because they are chained to bitterness and jealousy. 2) So I turn to you and to the others here, and of course to my friends, and I want to say that I appreciate your submission to our Heavenly Parent, so that you can be a great parent. You doubt it because you are flawed but you are wonderful. I had this great fear that nobody will care for me in old age, but because you are teaching patience, work ethic, compassion, and other godly principles through word and deed I no longer have that fear because it is your kids who will be my nurse or neighbor in my time of need. Thank you.
Stephanie
Alaurie,
Thank you so much for your perspective.
It broke my heart that you wondered what is “wrong” with you. 🙁
I have for too long wanted that “tight bod” I had years ago back, but you reminded me that there is another side. My humanity threatens always to make me envy what I don’t have (straight hair, an Unscarred body, a spotless home), but there is a trade off for every road we take, and maybe it’s up to all of us to simply enjoy the blessings of the journey God has set us on.
God bless you and your heart.
Alauree
Stephanie, thank you. I’m really not depressed all the time! 🙂 And I didn’t realize how long my comment was in the first place. Anyway, you are right that was my point that we should enjoy what we have in the present but I also wanted to give encouragement to moms who are doing their best in raising their kids intentionally in this changing world. Most people without kids do not say that to those who do.
Mariana
Alauree,
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I too struggle with infertility , though after 6 years God blessed us with a little girl. The pain of being unable to bear children can only be shared by those who’ve experienced it.
I appreciate your encouragement. I’m so happy that you and your husband are taking this time in life to grow together. Praying that he’ll come to a relationship with Christ through your example.
Shaye, thank you for being real. Sometimes I cringe at your words, but then I’m encouraged that I’m not alone in this craziness. Thank you for sharing your life with us.
Blessings<
Mariana
Joanna
you homeschool?
Eva
Oh how I love your blog, congratulations on the new baby I don’t think you are crazy at all in fact I’m pressing my husband for #4 2 teens and 2 babies now that is crazy. And oh I never told anyone but my older two wiped poop on walls too and hearing that from someone else makes me feel so much better. We just purchased our first homestead and are preparing to move and I wouldn’t trade the craziness for anything you go girl you are crazy blessed.
Lady Locust
Congrats on #4! I think it’s great to have more than .8 children per household. (Isn’t that about ave. now?) There are simply things your children will know by having multiple siblings that many will never understand. Kudos.
Kristy
Oh my!! Thanks for bringing me to tears and for sharing such raw and humbling words!! My number 5 should be here within the next 5 weeks (give or take!) and I am beyond overwhelmed with everything!! But I remind myself that I am blessed beyond measure by an amazing Father who does not give up on me and who provides strength and wisdom if I only remember to ask!!! Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone and I never will be!!
God bless you and your family and all y’all do!! Thanks for sharing your life!!
Linda
I could cry right now. It’s a good thing really…….. Thank you so much for your honesty. I’ve been given the care of 3 girls. 5,4 and 1 yr olds. It’s been just over 2 yrs together and I could’ve written your post myself. I ask myself,’Why can’t I just relax, why can’t I just let go of all the cleaning, refereeing, etc…. so, one millisecond at a time.
Thankyou again.xo
P.S. I’ve tried to order your book, but it says there’s no shipping method for Australia. Is there another way please?
Denise
May God Bless each and everyone of you!????????☺️
Kristen
That was perfect timing to resend this blog link out. Years after you wrote this, it is still hitting home with me. I am in the trenches with a fifth child (baby), homeschooling, a complete fixer upper, and trying to manage a homestead. My plate feels full and sometimes I lose focus of what really matters and why we have chosen this path. Your statement about God not being done with you or your family….amen! Thanks for writing that (and the entire post!). Thank you for the reminder and for being an honest mom that makes mistakes too.